I have seen this phenomenon all of my life especially with friends of mine, and I am writing this as an extension of the last blog entry, "Why Didn't You Say Something?" So why do women often choose emotionally unavailable men? I will give you the answer up front: to practice the act of loving in an emotionally "safe" relationship. What does this mean? Let me explain using the example of musical pop stars that girls have professed their undying love toward throughout the years. There have been pop idols dating back to male heart throbs in the 50's including Frank Sinatra, Elvis, and then moving to the sixties with the Beatles, Stones etc... You have seen the stadiums full of screaming girls fainting and crying at the mere sight of their idols. I use this example because it seems to be unique to females that they literally go hysterical at these concerts professing their "love" for the idol on stage. I have not seen a stadium of boys going crazy over the latest female star, though I am sure there are some boys out there that do. I believe that the hysterical phenomenon we are watching at concerts is an emotional outpouring of "love" related to the desire to experience a relationship with someone. If they didn't want to strongly express their love, they would not scream hysterically during the concert. So in some way, by screaming their professed love to an idol allows for them to:
1) Intensely feel the feeling of loving/idolizing someone in their life
2) Intensely express that feeling verbally in an overt, intense manner, and
3) Do so safely because it will not be returned in any real, tangible way.
Think of it as "practicing loving" by young girls full of urges to be in relationship with their perfect man. It is simply a very real exercise in expressing love safely with no expectations or return of that love and no resultant vulnerability. Here is my point: while women are naturally more relationally oriented than men, that orientation does not protect them from the raw, emotional vulnerability of relationships or Love or make them any less fearful of it. So the easiest way to feed the urge for Love and relationship while dealing with the genuine fear of it is to choose an emotionally unavailable person (like young girls do with a pop star) and throw as much love as one can on him or her, knowing that there will be no threat of the love being emotionally returned. So what does this teenage idol example have to do with women choosing emotionally unavailable men later in life? It is a way for these women to experience and express the feelings of Love without truly dealing with the fear/vulnerability of having that love returned because the man maintains emotional distance like the stage that separates them from their idol. Were they to choose someone who would genuinely love them back, they would feel too vulnerable and probably pull back emotionally themselves. The worst you could say about these women is that they love the act of loving, but are scared of actually receiving it. If this were not true, they would not repeatedly pick out the same unemotional types of men repeatedly throughout their lives.
So for those women out there who regularly choose emotionally unavailable men, just know that once you build a braver heart for yourself, you will find the interesting but cold guys you used to choose much less interesting...and maybe even have the courage to choose one that can love you back.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Monday, October 15, 2012
Why Didn't You Say Something?
We've all experienced it at some time in our lives, the dreaded question posed by a friend: "Why didn't you say something?" This question is always asked at the tail end of a horrible relationship break-up. It is initially directed to the people who make the mistake of saying something like, "I never liked him/her and thought they treated you badly." I am sure you know what I am talking about. What do you do when you cannot stand a friend's new relationship choice? The first thing you probably do is hope that they break-up quickly. When that doesn't happen you give small hints or even "accidentally" drop a story about the partner that is unflattering in some way in the hope that your friend is as appalled by their behavior as you are. When that doesn't work you are usually stuck with keeping silent or the giving them the "ultimatum": "If you stay with them then I am gone!" Not a particularly effective technique, but it sure makes you feel powerful...for a minute...until they say, "Fine, leave."
The powerlessness of watching a friend stay with a bad partner is amazingly frustrating. A year ago I had a friend who introduced me to their new boyfriend. Now this friend has a history of choosing people that treat her badly so it is not difficult to expect more of the same while hoping for the best for her. Over time the stories collected about the uncaring things he did, he wouldn't commit to dates to do things, he showed up at bad times without calling first, he wouldn't spend her birthday with her or do activities she enjoyed etc... He was bad news and of course she could not see it as she is simply used to this kind of mistreatment. I told her repeatedly that his actions were not caring behavior, but she could not see it. She talked about marrying him after a few months---the same guy who adamantly refused to spend holidays or her birthday with her for no apparent reason.
She found out later by sheer luck that he had two other girlfriends, one with two of his children, and had a rap sheet for domestic violence. I knew, as did others, that this guy was major bad news at first meeting, but she couldn't tell, or admit, that he was treating her badly. She unbelievably said to me after the break-up, "Why didn't you say something?"
"I did!" I yelled.
"Well why didn't you knock my head or something?"
"Telling you that you have to decide whether or not you are an IDIOT for being with a guy that treats you this badly is not enough of a knock on your head?"
She just shook her head. "You should have done more."
I have been in this situation many times in my life and I have finally come to some conclusions. One is that there is probably nothing you can say to friends about a negative partner that will get through to them especially if you see a problem too early in the relationship. The "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is just too tasty to have threatened by any negative feedback. Another conclusion is that to be a good friend to someone means that you HAVE to say something to them at SOME time. It is the thankless job of a friend, but it needs to be said, and probably much later than you prefer. Your "saying something" is usually most effective when put in the form of a question. Examples include: "When he/she does that, does it bother you at all?" "Didn't that seem cold when he/she did that?" "How are you going to handle it if he/she keeps doing that?" "Is this what you signed up for in a partner?" These types of questions are intended to get them to acknowledge feelings related to the complaints they are expressing so that they can hear themselves express their own discontent. It is an attempt to have them speak out loud about their troubles and the negative feelings they have. The more YOU point out what their partner is doing, the less they can hear it. They have to hear themselves make the complaint to have the complaints begin to come to their attention. They have to see the problems themselves without you pointing them out to them to begin chipping away at their denial. To help calm your frustration at the slowness of this process, think of it as an advanced spiritual course in Patience. Try to graduate with honors...good luck.
My final conclusion is that people always have to learn for themselves at their own pace. This is the most frustrating thing to witness. It seems plain as day to you that they are being mistreated, but they cannot, or will not, see it or admit it. It is often difficult to tell if they are actually not seeing the negative traits or are just ignoring them out of fear of being alone without a relationship. Neither of these choices makes it any easier on you as a friend. You can only do so much in these situations, but the positive thing to remember is that time is on your side. Eventually everyone hits their limit of bad behavior and puts a stop to it...almost everyone that is. There are some hard core folks out there who don't know when to throw in the towel, and be glad if you've never had to stand by and watch these people's self destruction, that is the worst!
In the end, your patience in supportively standing by and allowing your friend to see what they see when they see it, no matter how long that takes, is the ultimate gift you can give to someone in life. It is being a true friend. Maybe your graduation from the Patience course unavoidably has to end with the unreasonable question posed to you, "Why didn't you say something?" At least you know then that the painful period is over.
The powerlessness of watching a friend stay with a bad partner is amazingly frustrating. A year ago I had a friend who introduced me to their new boyfriend. Now this friend has a history of choosing people that treat her badly so it is not difficult to expect more of the same while hoping for the best for her. Over time the stories collected about the uncaring things he did, he wouldn't commit to dates to do things, he showed up at bad times without calling first, he wouldn't spend her birthday with her or do activities she enjoyed etc... He was bad news and of course she could not see it as she is simply used to this kind of mistreatment. I told her repeatedly that his actions were not caring behavior, but she could not see it. She talked about marrying him after a few months---the same guy who adamantly refused to spend holidays or her birthday with her for no apparent reason.
She found out later by sheer luck that he had two other girlfriends, one with two of his children, and had a rap sheet for domestic violence. I knew, as did others, that this guy was major bad news at first meeting, but she couldn't tell, or admit, that he was treating her badly. She unbelievably said to me after the break-up, "Why didn't you say something?"
"I did!" I yelled.
"Well why didn't you knock my head or something?"
"Telling you that you have to decide whether or not you are an IDIOT for being with a guy that treats you this badly is not enough of a knock on your head?"
She just shook her head. "You should have done more."
I have been in this situation many times in my life and I have finally come to some conclusions. One is that there is probably nothing you can say to friends about a negative partner that will get through to them especially if you see a problem too early in the relationship. The "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is just too tasty to have threatened by any negative feedback. Another conclusion is that to be a good friend to someone means that you HAVE to say something to them at SOME time. It is the thankless job of a friend, but it needs to be said, and probably much later than you prefer. Your "saying something" is usually most effective when put in the form of a question. Examples include: "When he/she does that, does it bother you at all?" "Didn't that seem cold when he/she did that?" "How are you going to handle it if he/she keeps doing that?" "Is this what you signed up for in a partner?" These types of questions are intended to get them to acknowledge feelings related to the complaints they are expressing so that they can hear themselves express their own discontent. It is an attempt to have them speak out loud about their troubles and the negative feelings they have. The more YOU point out what their partner is doing, the less they can hear it. They have to hear themselves make the complaint to have the complaints begin to come to their attention. They have to see the problems themselves without you pointing them out to them to begin chipping away at their denial. To help calm your frustration at the slowness of this process, think of it as an advanced spiritual course in Patience. Try to graduate with honors...good luck.
My final conclusion is that people always have to learn for themselves at their own pace. This is the most frustrating thing to witness. It seems plain as day to you that they are being mistreated, but they cannot, or will not, see it or admit it. It is often difficult to tell if they are actually not seeing the negative traits or are just ignoring them out of fear of being alone without a relationship. Neither of these choices makes it any easier on you as a friend. You can only do so much in these situations, but the positive thing to remember is that time is on your side. Eventually everyone hits their limit of bad behavior and puts a stop to it...almost everyone that is. There are some hard core folks out there who don't know when to throw in the towel, and be glad if you've never had to stand by and watch these people's self destruction, that is the worst!
In the end, your patience in supportively standing by and allowing your friend to see what they see when they see it, no matter how long that takes, is the ultimate gift you can give to someone in life. It is being a true friend. Maybe your graduation from the Patience course unavoidably has to end with the unreasonable question posed to you, "Why didn't you say something?" At least you know then that the painful period is over.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Killing the Bunny
There is a story about a Buddhist monk who wanted to teach his advanced students the true meaning of Compassion and gave each of the students a baby bunny to take care of for a year. After the year was over he told them to follow his orders without question and do exactly as they were instructed: "Go to a secret place where no one can see you, kill your bunny with a compassionate heart, and bring the carcass back to me." Many hours later, one of the students returned to find the other students sobbing over their dead bunnies as they handed them to their master. The student handed his bunny to the master. The master said, "This bunny is still alive, why did you not follow my orders as instructed?" The student replied, "I did, I did exactly as you said. I took the bunny to many different secret places, but no matter where I took him, he could see me."
Several years ago I had a client who was describing a relationship problem with his partner that he felt was unsolvable. He explained that his partner of two years had turned into a monster and was regularly verbally abusing him among other things including taking money at times without permission. He had spoken to him many times already about these issues, but to no avail, he just kept doing the same problematic things. "I want to break up with him," he said, "but I don't think I can." "Why not?" I asked. "Because every one of our mutual friends loves him and thinks he is just the sweetest thing." I recognized the problem immediately and said almost under my breath, "No one wants to kill the bunny."
There is an interesting phenomenon in both personal relationships and the workplace that I have encountered that I call the "bunny" syndrome. It involves people who present as kind and sweet, like a little bunny, but are really very devious and cruel or the opposite of how they look to those who do not know them well. Family members often experience this when friends meet some of their family members for the first time and comment on how "nice" they are only to be corrected by the knowing statement: "Wait till you get to know them for a while." In the workplace it is often a phenomenon that involves a sub-par worker who ingratiates himself with the boss by running errands for them or buying them little office goodies all the time. The co-workers will often grouse about how little work this employee does, but has the boss wrapped around their finger somehow. In personal relationships the "bunny" syndrome takes the form of any relationship partner that from the outside looks picture perfect, but is truly the opposite in nature when the light of privacy shines through. How does one publicly end a relationship with someone that everyone else thinks is "soooo sweet?"
No one wants to kill the bunny. And why would you? Everyone will think you are so cruel or mean or ungrateful for ending the relationship. You will be the one that looks bad and mean to the others who do not know the truth. Often the "bunny" in question knows this fact and will often pour on the sugar in front of friends when there is conflict in the relationship just to remind you how much other people love them. Sub-par worker "bunnies" will spend long patches of time avoiding their own work, but will bend over backwards for the boss to continue to ingratiate themselves toward a safe "favorite" status. This "favorite" status often keeps them safe from the list of possible layoffs. Sometimes bunny behavior is done subtly. I know of one employee who called their boss, "honey", so as to confer to those listening of her "favorite" status. "You can't touch me," they seem to say, "cuz I'm the cute little, favorite bunny who is close enough to call the boss 'honey'."
How many people are brave enough to metaphorically kill the bunny by firing them or ending the relationship? Not many, and rarely quickly if at all. People put up with more problems than they are worth for too long because they don't want to look mean to those that do not know the truth about the person. I am sure this "bunny" appears in more places than one would think. High prestige relationships (namely the super rich) deal with this all the time as does Hollywood with their big name, famous stars who can turn out to be major jerks in their private life. How does one end a bad relationship with a famous person who is loved and respected in the public eye? Not easily. Ever get angry at someone for breaking up with your favorite Pop star singer or actor/actress without knowing the whole story? Remember how sure you were that the one who initiated the break-up seemed to be the jerk in the situation? That is the reflexive, protective reaction the bunny gets from people around them. They make sure that a sense of outrage and surprise is expressed by others so they can beg their way back using other's guilt to motivate the "killer" to change his mind. It is an especially tough situation when you are in a tight community such as Hollywood, politics or prestigious firms and need to keep up a good image to maintain your livelihood. Why look like the bad guy and bring on the scorn or rejection of others you need to work with? Even small towns can bring the hot, glaring spotlight of pressure: "You're not breaking up with the Homecoming Queen are you, she is sooooo sweeeeet?!" No one wants to kill the bunny, or for that matter, allow you to do it.
In short, learning to metaphorically kill the bunny and end dysfunctional relationships with seemingly "sweet" people means being true to what you know is true no matter what others believe. It means having the courage to say, "The emperor has no clothes," or "the bunny has no fur," or whatever the analogy calls for. It's harder than you think because public disapproval in any form is painful even, and especially, when you are right in ending it. There is a time when ending a bad relationship is the only answer, and in your case I hope it is not with a bunny, but do it anyway. Killing the bunny, then, is ultimately an act of integrity not cruelty. Your true friends will agree.
Several years ago I had a client who was describing a relationship problem with his partner that he felt was unsolvable. He explained that his partner of two years had turned into a monster and was regularly verbally abusing him among other things including taking money at times without permission. He had spoken to him many times already about these issues, but to no avail, he just kept doing the same problematic things. "I want to break up with him," he said, "but I don't think I can." "Why not?" I asked. "Because every one of our mutual friends loves him and thinks he is just the sweetest thing." I recognized the problem immediately and said almost under my breath, "No one wants to kill the bunny."
There is an interesting phenomenon in both personal relationships and the workplace that I have encountered that I call the "bunny" syndrome. It involves people who present as kind and sweet, like a little bunny, but are really very devious and cruel or the opposite of how they look to those who do not know them well. Family members often experience this when friends meet some of their family members for the first time and comment on how "nice" they are only to be corrected by the knowing statement: "Wait till you get to know them for a while." In the workplace it is often a phenomenon that involves a sub-par worker who ingratiates himself with the boss by running errands for them or buying them little office goodies all the time. The co-workers will often grouse about how little work this employee does, but has the boss wrapped around their finger somehow. In personal relationships the "bunny" syndrome takes the form of any relationship partner that from the outside looks picture perfect, but is truly the opposite in nature when the light of privacy shines through. How does one publicly end a relationship with someone that everyone else thinks is "soooo sweet?"
No one wants to kill the bunny. And why would you? Everyone will think you are so cruel or mean or ungrateful for ending the relationship. You will be the one that looks bad and mean to the others who do not know the truth. Often the "bunny" in question knows this fact and will often pour on the sugar in front of friends when there is conflict in the relationship just to remind you how much other people love them. Sub-par worker "bunnies" will spend long patches of time avoiding their own work, but will bend over backwards for the boss to continue to ingratiate themselves toward a safe "favorite" status. This "favorite" status often keeps them safe from the list of possible layoffs. Sometimes bunny behavior is done subtly. I know of one employee who called their boss, "honey", so as to confer to those listening of her "favorite" status. "You can't touch me," they seem to say, "cuz I'm the cute little, favorite bunny who is close enough to call the boss 'honey'."
How many people are brave enough to metaphorically kill the bunny by firing them or ending the relationship? Not many, and rarely quickly if at all. People put up with more problems than they are worth for too long because they don't want to look mean to those that do not know the truth about the person. I am sure this "bunny" appears in more places than one would think. High prestige relationships (namely the super rich) deal with this all the time as does Hollywood with their big name, famous stars who can turn out to be major jerks in their private life. How does one end a bad relationship with a famous person who is loved and respected in the public eye? Not easily. Ever get angry at someone for breaking up with your favorite Pop star singer or actor/actress without knowing the whole story? Remember how sure you were that the one who initiated the break-up seemed to be the jerk in the situation? That is the reflexive, protective reaction the bunny gets from people around them. They make sure that a sense of outrage and surprise is expressed by others so they can beg their way back using other's guilt to motivate the "killer" to change his mind. It is an especially tough situation when you are in a tight community such as Hollywood, politics or prestigious firms and need to keep up a good image to maintain your livelihood. Why look like the bad guy and bring on the scorn or rejection of others you need to work with? Even small towns can bring the hot, glaring spotlight of pressure: "You're not breaking up with the Homecoming Queen are you, she is sooooo sweeeeet?!" No one wants to kill the bunny, or for that matter, allow you to do it.
In short, learning to metaphorically kill the bunny and end dysfunctional relationships with seemingly "sweet" people means being true to what you know is true no matter what others believe. It means having the courage to say, "The emperor has no clothes," or "the bunny has no fur," or whatever the analogy calls for. It's harder than you think because public disapproval in any form is painful even, and especially, when you are right in ending it. There is a time when ending a bad relationship is the only answer, and in your case I hope it is not with a bunny, but do it anyway. Killing the bunny, then, is ultimately an act of integrity not cruelty. Your true friends will agree.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
How Happy Is Your Marriage?
Doesn't it just seems rude to directly ask someone if they are happy in their marriage? The reason we even ask this question is usually either because we are worried about them or are in relative disbelief that they could really be as happy as they seem. In fact, much of this curiosity and comparison stems around the fact that unless you are a counselor of some kind and see the inside of many relationships, you usually don't have any access to a happiness yardstick---you know, some kind of relative scale to measure how your own marital happiness compares to others. But BEFORE taking out your happiness yardstick, you need to first consider three important points that influence any measurements of marital happiness. Think of them as necessary prerequisite knowledge for a fuller understanding of any marital measurement.
There is no Perfect Marriage.
This may seem obvious at first, but you probably forgot how early on you most likely believed your marriage was going to be perfect. You may not have said it out loud, but I bet you secretly thought it in your head. This thought left your head after a little while and then probably cropped up again when things were not so perfect. Some people even feel a little guilty when they cannot live up to the wish. Nope, no perfect marriages exist so do not worry that yours has some mud on it. Everyone has issues they never saw coming and everyone has complaints about their partner's behavior that they, in the beginning, never imagined would appear. Just know this fact and relax when the next new irritant shows up because it probably will. "No perfect marriage" means that you are just slogging along like the rest of us in uncharted territories learning more about your self, your partner, and your emotions than you ever originally intended to learn. This learning occurs in all relationships, but it is laid on especially thick in marriage. Remember, "perfect" is the enemy of "good"...and also "pretty good".
Marriages have their Seasons.
Like all things in nature, marriages have seasons, emotional ones. For example, during the emotional Spring and Summer of a marriage things are bright, clear, blooming and beautiful. Most people love the springs and summers of their marriage, and by this I do not mean the actual weather seasons. I mean the metaphorical spring and summer months where there is a breezy easiness to the marriage and warmth prevails through all things you are going through together. Things just click through these phases, and sometimes it is just plain HOT (in a good way). The emotional Fall season in a marriage is when things naturally change (positively or negatively) due to time, maturation, and circumstances. Major changes, loss of friends or relatives, or rituals that are upset because of circumstances beyond your control are common Fall experiences. Things are not necessarily worse in the marriage during the Fall seasons, just different. Old friends move away, old activities change, where you eat, how often you vacation, any change that jumbles up the old habitual activities that were once thought to be a part of your permanent life. Then there are the emotional winters. These involve the times when there is a little coldness running through the marriage that was not there before, or an old "coolness" that is reoccurring due to some setback or friction in the marriage. Unresolved fights, angry exchanges that are not worked out, and life stresses from job or family can bring about a winter season in the marriage. Sometimes they are short, other times they can be very long and bitter. You will have winters in your marriage. There is no avoiding them. They are not much fun, but they are not a sign your marriage is over or irreparably damaged. They are just winters. They will eventually pass. Usually people believe during their first winter season in a marriage that there is something wrong with their marriage. This is not always true. It could just be a temporary "pulling-in", taking a little longer to get "warm" so do not over-evaluate or judge the state of your marriage negatively during these periods, just know this is simply a Winter and stay as warm as possible until it passes. Maybe even offer your spouse some extra warmth during this season.
Happiness is Greatly Overrated
Sounds weird doesn't it? Everybody wants to be happy, right? It is what we should be striving for, right? Maybe not. In our early years we found out the hard way that happiness was not always available when we wanted it. Christmases, birthdays and other special events often over time turned out to be let-downs and not the happiness generators they were in the beginning. Happiness became more fleeting as we got older and often we found that simply feeling content or peaceful during an event was much more attainable. Isn't this simple contentment and peace what we are truly striving for in life? Peace with our spouse and family and our careers? Most people that experience peaceful moments in their lives mislabel it "boredom". Nothing much is happening so it must be boredom. Peace is tranquil, still, quiet, and by definition, often silent. Since happiness in life is definitely not a constant and so fleeting, why are we striving so hard for it? For that matter, why are we measuring our marriage for it in the first place? Such is life, striving for the difficult to atain. So if you are still going to measure your marriage for it, at least consider that compared to Peace, Happiness is greatly overrated.
These three considerations give important perspective to the whole issue of marital happiness before any measurement begins. Without including these factors in any evaluation of marital happiness, one could easily and unnecessarily tilt their measurement to the negative. If you forget there are seasons in marriage you might over-interpret one particular period you are going through. If you forget there is no perfect marriage, you might use an unrealistic yardstick that is too long or high. If you forget that happiness is greatly overrated, well hell, everyone forgets that, then you could easily not recognize that the supposed "boring" (thus unhappy) month you spent with your spouse was actually a month of Peace. Enjoy "boring" whenever you can in life, it's a gift.
Just some thoughts...
There is no Perfect Marriage.
This may seem obvious at first, but you probably forgot how early on you most likely believed your marriage was going to be perfect. You may not have said it out loud, but I bet you secretly thought it in your head. This thought left your head after a little while and then probably cropped up again when things were not so perfect. Some people even feel a little guilty when they cannot live up to the wish. Nope, no perfect marriages exist so do not worry that yours has some mud on it. Everyone has issues they never saw coming and everyone has complaints about their partner's behavior that they, in the beginning, never imagined would appear. Just know this fact and relax when the next new irritant shows up because it probably will. "No perfect marriage" means that you are just slogging along like the rest of us in uncharted territories learning more about your self, your partner, and your emotions than you ever originally intended to learn. This learning occurs in all relationships, but it is laid on especially thick in marriage. Remember, "perfect" is the enemy of "good"...and also "pretty good".
Marriages have their Seasons.
Like all things in nature, marriages have seasons, emotional ones. For example, during the emotional Spring and Summer of a marriage things are bright, clear, blooming and beautiful. Most people love the springs and summers of their marriage, and by this I do not mean the actual weather seasons. I mean the metaphorical spring and summer months where there is a breezy easiness to the marriage and warmth prevails through all things you are going through together. Things just click through these phases, and sometimes it is just plain HOT (in a good way). The emotional Fall season in a marriage is when things naturally change (positively or negatively) due to time, maturation, and circumstances. Major changes, loss of friends or relatives, or rituals that are upset because of circumstances beyond your control are common Fall experiences. Things are not necessarily worse in the marriage during the Fall seasons, just different. Old friends move away, old activities change, where you eat, how often you vacation, any change that jumbles up the old habitual activities that were once thought to be a part of your permanent life. Then there are the emotional winters. These involve the times when there is a little coldness running through the marriage that was not there before, or an old "coolness" that is reoccurring due to some setback or friction in the marriage. Unresolved fights, angry exchanges that are not worked out, and life stresses from job or family can bring about a winter season in the marriage. Sometimes they are short, other times they can be very long and bitter. You will have winters in your marriage. There is no avoiding them. They are not much fun, but they are not a sign your marriage is over or irreparably damaged. They are just winters. They will eventually pass. Usually people believe during their first winter season in a marriage that there is something wrong with their marriage. This is not always true. It could just be a temporary "pulling-in", taking a little longer to get "warm" so do not over-evaluate or judge the state of your marriage negatively during these periods, just know this is simply a Winter and stay as warm as possible until it passes. Maybe even offer your spouse some extra warmth during this season.
Happiness is Greatly Overrated
Sounds weird doesn't it? Everybody wants to be happy, right? It is what we should be striving for, right? Maybe not. In our early years we found out the hard way that happiness was not always available when we wanted it. Christmases, birthdays and other special events often over time turned out to be let-downs and not the happiness generators they were in the beginning. Happiness became more fleeting as we got older and often we found that simply feeling content or peaceful during an event was much more attainable. Isn't this simple contentment and peace what we are truly striving for in life? Peace with our spouse and family and our careers? Most people that experience peaceful moments in their lives mislabel it "boredom". Nothing much is happening so it must be boredom. Peace is tranquil, still, quiet, and by definition, often silent. Since happiness in life is definitely not a constant and so fleeting, why are we striving so hard for it? For that matter, why are we measuring our marriage for it in the first place? Such is life, striving for the difficult to atain. So if you are still going to measure your marriage for it, at least consider that compared to Peace, Happiness is greatly overrated.
These three considerations give important perspective to the whole issue of marital happiness before any measurement begins. Without including these factors in any evaluation of marital happiness, one could easily and unnecessarily tilt their measurement to the negative. If you forget there are seasons in marriage you might over-interpret one particular period you are going through. If you forget there is no perfect marriage, you might use an unrealistic yardstick that is too long or high. If you forget that happiness is greatly overrated, well hell, everyone forgets that, then you could easily not recognize that the supposed "boring" (thus unhappy) month you spent with your spouse was actually a month of Peace. Enjoy "boring" whenever you can in life, it's a gift.
Just some thoughts...
Friday, August 26, 2011
Different Types of Tears?
I have a friend that says such insightful things at times that I rarely forget them after he says them, the kind that just stick with you for some reason. As you may remember from my book I talk about how movies can pull emotions from me like no other medium. I was sitting around one night discussing movies with friends---particularly powerful scenes we remember--- and my friend says out of the blue, "Kevin cries at odd times in movies." Everyone in the room laughed as did I. It was such an insightful comment, but I had no idea what he was talking about. "I don't cry at odd times," I said laughing. "Yes you do," he said undaunted. I laughed again knowing he must be right, but feeling that vulnerable feeling only a good friend can give you by pegging some behavior you do. What did he mean? I asked him why he thought they were odd times. He thought for a moment looking at the ceiling, "Because they are not connected to moments that other people would cry at." I then remembered how my wife in the early days of our dating would suddenly ask me to pause a movie we were watching, turn to me in a genuinely perplexed way and ask, "Okay, now, why are you tearing up at this scene?" She asked from that wonderfully scientific place of curiosity that she has---genuinely interested, but perplexed as well.
So what was going on here? Why are these people reacting to me this way? Was I so different than other people? Then I remembered that most people think that when someone cries or tears up they must be sad. Tears are always from sadness aren't they? The answer is, "No." There are several kinds of tears, and you have probably experienced each of them without going through the process of analyzing them. I apparently do not have that luxury.
The next time you see someone crying, along with the obvious question, "Why are they crying," you might want to add a question, "What kind of tears are those?" Most people do not realize that there are several different kinds of tears so when you see someone crying, the immediate reflexive thought that they must be sad may not be accurate at all. There are a lot of different reasons for tears. Some of these tears can also be gender specific. Some women, for example, have a certain tear for anger and actually cry them when they get angry. Women are generally so socially trained against expressing anger openly that when they feel it they often cry instead of yelling or striking out like men do.
There are several kinds of tears other than sadness. There are also tears of pain and tears of frustration---these are the obvious ones, but did you know there are also tears of recognition? These tears appear when we see something we know deep in our bones. They sometimes come up in movies when we see an emotion we have felt deeply before or during a character's reaction that we have experienced similarly and deeply. We recognize the event or emotion and we just recognize it so deeply that it brings tears to our eyes. Those are tears of recognition.
There are tears of acceptance or resignation. These come about when we experience an inevitability, something we just know had to happen (positively or negatively) like the successful completion of a long mission or journey or the demise of a heinous criminal or bad guy.
There are tears of longing. Men often experience these during real life sports events and adventure movies because they see a great act of accomplishment they would love to have done themselves---the great act of heroism or the unbelievable play. Women often experience tears of longing in movies when they see an act of Love they wish they could experience. A woman once told me, "You have no idea what pain we go through during romance movies when we see a loving act happening on the screen that we know we will never have in our own relationship." That comment stuck with me.
There are tears of joy. These come when we witness someone's happiness or experience our own joy. These are the fun ones and are often accompanied with a beaming smile. These are the ones women often experience at weddings, so no more saying, "I don't know why I always cry at weddings."
So there are several other kinds of tears than just tears of sadness. What other ones do you know about that are not on this list? The next time you see someone crying or have tears of your own, ask yourself, "What kind of tears are these," you might be surprised. The next time a friend of yours cries at an "odd" time, take notice, you may have discovered another type of tear.
So what was going on here? Why are these people reacting to me this way? Was I so different than other people? Then I remembered that most people think that when someone cries or tears up they must be sad. Tears are always from sadness aren't they? The answer is, "No." There are several kinds of tears, and you have probably experienced each of them without going through the process of analyzing them. I apparently do not have that luxury.
The next time you see someone crying, along with the obvious question, "Why are they crying," you might want to add a question, "What kind of tears are those?" Most people do not realize that there are several different kinds of tears so when you see someone crying, the immediate reflexive thought that they must be sad may not be accurate at all. There are a lot of different reasons for tears. Some of these tears can also be gender specific. Some women, for example, have a certain tear for anger and actually cry them when they get angry. Women are generally so socially trained against expressing anger openly that when they feel it they often cry instead of yelling or striking out like men do.
There are several kinds of tears other than sadness. There are also tears of pain and tears of frustration---these are the obvious ones, but did you know there are also tears of recognition? These tears appear when we see something we know deep in our bones. They sometimes come up in movies when we see an emotion we have felt deeply before or during a character's reaction that we have experienced similarly and deeply. We recognize the event or emotion and we just recognize it so deeply that it brings tears to our eyes. Those are tears of recognition.
There are tears of acceptance or resignation. These come about when we experience an inevitability, something we just know had to happen (positively or negatively) like the successful completion of a long mission or journey or the demise of a heinous criminal or bad guy.
There are tears of longing. Men often experience these during real life sports events and adventure movies because they see a great act of accomplishment they would love to have done themselves---the great act of heroism or the unbelievable play. Women often experience tears of longing in movies when they see an act of Love they wish they could experience. A woman once told me, "You have no idea what pain we go through during romance movies when we see a loving act happening on the screen that we know we will never have in our own relationship." That comment stuck with me.
There are tears of joy. These come when we witness someone's happiness or experience our own joy. These are the fun ones and are often accompanied with a beaming smile. These are the ones women often experience at weddings, so no more saying, "I don't know why I always cry at weddings."
So there are several other kinds of tears than just tears of sadness. What other ones do you know about that are not on this list? The next time you see someone crying or have tears of your own, ask yourself, "What kind of tears are these," you might be surprised. The next time a friend of yours cries at an "odd" time, take notice, you may have discovered another type of tear.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Can You Keep a Secret?
I once had the chance to know a ninety-year old mystic/healer who would occasionally work on me doing whatever she felt I needed. She was usually rather gruff in demeanor, but for some reason was sometimes softer with me than with others, which I wore like a badge of honor. One time before she started a session she looked at me and said, "You can keep a secret...yes, yes, you can. If someone told you a secret you could keep it couldn't you?" It was such a strange opening comment that I didn't know what to say as it didn't really ask for a response. That was twenty-two years ago and for some reason it has haunted me ever since. Yes, people have told me many secrets, and yes, I kept them, but for some reason I am periodically reminded of her comment. Why did she say that to me when she did? I kept thinking she was foretelling some big secret I would be told, but that was twenty-two years ago and no "big" secret.
So I thought recently, what kind of person keeps a secret and is it anything special? Do some people have a hard time keeping secrets while others do not? I was reminded of a "Seinfeld" episode about George's so called "vault" for secrets that everyone knew the combination to. I realized that the truth was that most people cannot keep secrets. Think about it. How many times have you told a friend a secret that got out anyway and the person said something to the effect of, "Well, I just told so and so, and they must have told..." So being able to keep a secret is rare. Why is that?
The answer relates back to Fundamental Four (power dynamics). Put simply: Knowing a secret carries within it a sense of power over others who do not know that secret, but one can only be recognized as having that power by telling someone else who does not know that secret. So only the most powerful/confident/secure people can keep secrets because they won't feel the need to advertise to others their newly acquired power by telling someone their secret. Since it is probably safe to say that we all have told secrets to others even when we swore we would not, it is interesting to track how strong your vault is these days. As teenagers, we are all probably at our worst because the power drive is at its highest during those years, but where are we these days?
Have you also noticed that the size of the secret matters? How it is easier to keep secret that Jane lies about her age, but someone having a secret affair is just too tasty to keep? Or that sometimes the secret is sooo juicy that you just have to tell someone while others are no big deal? So while the ability to keep a secret gives an insight into the psychology of a person, what about a city? Think about Hollywood or Washington and those places' lack of ability to keep secrets. What does that say about the collective esteem of the people there and their relationship to Power? Is it that they are genuinely more power hungry than other people or is it that they have the juiciest gossip that mere mortals cannot possibly sit on?
So keeping or telling secrets is all about Power. Do I have enough esteem to keep a secret or do I have to flaunt my power for others to see? Who do you know that can keep a secret? Are you sure? How about a really BIG one, one that just ACHES to be told? Can you keep a secret? How big of one? For how long?
I was once told I could keep a secret....am I up to the task?
So I thought recently, what kind of person keeps a secret and is it anything special? Do some people have a hard time keeping secrets while others do not? I was reminded of a "Seinfeld" episode about George's so called "vault" for secrets that everyone knew the combination to. I realized that the truth was that most people cannot keep secrets. Think about it. How many times have you told a friend a secret that got out anyway and the person said something to the effect of, "Well, I just told so and so, and they must have told..." So being able to keep a secret is rare. Why is that?
The answer relates back to Fundamental Four (power dynamics). Put simply: Knowing a secret carries within it a sense of power over others who do not know that secret, but one can only be recognized as having that power by telling someone else who does not know that secret. So only the most powerful/confident/secure people can keep secrets because they won't feel the need to advertise to others their newly acquired power by telling someone their secret. Since it is probably safe to say that we all have told secrets to others even when we swore we would not, it is interesting to track how strong your vault is these days. As teenagers, we are all probably at our worst because the power drive is at its highest during those years, but where are we these days?
Have you also noticed that the size of the secret matters? How it is easier to keep secret that Jane lies about her age, but someone having a secret affair is just too tasty to keep? Or that sometimes the secret is sooo juicy that you just have to tell someone while others are no big deal? So while the ability to keep a secret gives an insight into the psychology of a person, what about a city? Think about Hollywood or Washington and those places' lack of ability to keep secrets. What does that say about the collective esteem of the people there and their relationship to Power? Is it that they are genuinely more power hungry than other people or is it that they have the juiciest gossip that mere mortals cannot possibly sit on?
So keeping or telling secrets is all about Power. Do I have enough esteem to keep a secret or do I have to flaunt my power for others to see? Who do you know that can keep a secret? Are you sure? How about a really BIG one, one that just ACHES to be told? Can you keep a secret? How big of one? For how long?
I was once told I could keep a secret....am I up to the task?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
The Secret Club
When I was in my twenties and hung around groups of men, I always noticed something for which, until recently, I had no explanation. Upon being introduced to each new group of men, I was always asked my age. I told them, and inevitably a few older guys in the group would look at each other and chuckle with a roll of their eyes. This happened so frequently that I eventually stopped thinking about it. It stopped years later and I would never have thought about it again, but something strange happened recently. The other day I was introduced to someone's son at a restaurant. Standing there with another male friend of mine, I asked his age. Asking this question so automatically gave me the first answer I had searched for long ago about why people always asked my age: It is because there is not much else to say when meeting a young stranger for the first time.
"Twenty three," he said proudly.
I looked at my male friend and laughed and said, "Twenty-three! That is Wonderful!" I unexpectedly felt genuine glee.
The kid looked puzzled, but smiled, and I continued laughing saying how great that was to my friend who also agreed we were witnessing something great before our eyes. That is when it hit me. Oh my God, my friend and I were doing the exact same thing the older men did to me when I was that age. It all came to me in a flash. I was now a part of something that has been going on forever.
Here is the deal: when you get older, usually past forty, you are immediately eligible to join a "secret club". Actual membership begins at the moment you ask someone younger than you their age and upon hearing it, feel this absolute joy for the person. This joy is caused by the fact that, having survived forty years or more of life yourself, you have experienced life's pain in a way that only people over forty understand, and before your very eyes is someone who hasn't really gotten the scars yet---relative freshness and innocence. Now, no one over twenty ever feels they have gotten off scot free in life so they would argue the point, but the forty-something knows better. They know that Life has not taken the bat to you yet, and are just happy to be around that essence, that relatively fresh state of being, again.
The "secret club" is not just for men either. I saw a female comedian talking to the audience and when one audience member said she was twenty-three years old, the comedian replied, "Oh my God that is adorable...you are just precious." You see, she is in the club.
The benefits of being in this club include a certain swagger related to accomplishment (not looks mind you, as those are fading way too fast for club members). This swagger is based on the fact that life has repeatedly taken "the bat" to us and yet we are still around. We withstood multiple beatings. We may not be much to look at, but we have a certain steadiness in our step that those not in the club THINK they have, but do not. They have not survived the amount of time, nor suffered the amount of beatings we have. Yes, they may have some bruises, but not the scars.
Club members also smile at each other differently than to others. It's a knowing smile, one that says,"Yep, we're making it, keep it up fellow member." There is also an arrogance we have that forces certain of our less polite members to tell younger people they don't know anything yet. It is a true statement, relatively speaking, but I find those members to be rude in bringing it up at all. All clubs, as you might guess, have their share of rude members, but it is their right to say it just the same. The greatest perk of being a member of this "secret club", though, is the fact that you absolutely have some useful knowledge to pass on to non-members. Of course, depending on the member, this knowledge can be less helpful or sometimes more, but every member definitely has something useful to pass on if you are lucky enough to receive it.
So next time you witness someone light up with joy when you tell them your age, know that you are in the presence of a member in good standing of the "secret club." Maybe they will pass on a secret or two...are you listening?
"Twenty three," he said proudly.
I looked at my male friend and laughed and said, "Twenty-three! That is Wonderful!" I unexpectedly felt genuine glee.
The kid looked puzzled, but smiled, and I continued laughing saying how great that was to my friend who also agreed we were witnessing something great before our eyes. That is when it hit me. Oh my God, my friend and I were doing the exact same thing the older men did to me when I was that age. It all came to me in a flash. I was now a part of something that has been going on forever.
Here is the deal: when you get older, usually past forty, you are immediately eligible to join a "secret club". Actual membership begins at the moment you ask someone younger than you their age and upon hearing it, feel this absolute joy for the person. This joy is caused by the fact that, having survived forty years or more of life yourself, you have experienced life's pain in a way that only people over forty understand, and before your very eyes is someone who hasn't really gotten the scars yet---relative freshness and innocence. Now, no one over twenty ever feels they have gotten off scot free in life so they would argue the point, but the forty-something knows better. They know that Life has not taken the bat to you yet, and are just happy to be around that essence, that relatively fresh state of being, again.
The "secret club" is not just for men either. I saw a female comedian talking to the audience and when one audience member said she was twenty-three years old, the comedian replied, "Oh my God that is adorable...you are just precious." You see, she is in the club.
The benefits of being in this club include a certain swagger related to accomplishment (not looks mind you, as those are fading way too fast for club members). This swagger is based on the fact that life has repeatedly taken "the bat" to us and yet we are still around. We withstood multiple beatings. We may not be much to look at, but we have a certain steadiness in our step that those not in the club THINK they have, but do not. They have not survived the amount of time, nor suffered the amount of beatings we have. Yes, they may have some bruises, but not the scars.
Club members also smile at each other differently than to others. It's a knowing smile, one that says,"Yep, we're making it, keep it up fellow member." There is also an arrogance we have that forces certain of our less polite members to tell younger people they don't know anything yet. It is a true statement, relatively speaking, but I find those members to be rude in bringing it up at all. All clubs, as you might guess, have their share of rude members, but it is their right to say it just the same. The greatest perk of being a member of this "secret club", though, is the fact that you absolutely have some useful knowledge to pass on to non-members. Of course, depending on the member, this knowledge can be less helpful or sometimes more, but every member definitely has something useful to pass on if you are lucky enough to receive it.
So next time you witness someone light up with joy when you tell them your age, know that you are in the presence of a member in good standing of the "secret club." Maybe they will pass on a secret or two...are you listening?
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