Betrayal as a Badge of Honor

Throughout the years I have had many clients, personal and executive, who were dealing with a devastating betrayal by someone close to them. Whether it was a business partner or a close friend or associate, they always described themselves as "blindsided", and that is what made the act particularly devastating. The initial shock, it seems, lasts longer than one would expect as the person keeps running over and over in their head the events leading up to the betrayal. They are often admonished by friends to "let it go" and move on, but for some reason that is difficult to do for most in this situation.

Why is this? Why do we take so much time and mental energy running the events over and over in our heads for weeks or months after the event is over? Part of the reason is because we may be constantly dealing with some aftermath consequence of the betrayal when another new fact or event materializes that we have to adjust to in some way. But even after the aftershocks subside, we often ruminate mentally, not knowing why we can't just shake it off.

I want to propose something rarely talked about because it seems too callous to discuss by most standards. I believe that it is precisely because this point is NOT discussed that the mental rumination goes on too long for most of us.
I propose that what makes these betrayals so hard to shake is the fact that we ALWAYS saw some signs this person was untrustworthy in some way--always--and this nagging subliminal realization silently feeds the common feelings of "how could I be so stupid" and "how could I have let this happen".
Sounds harsh, huh, but it is true.

They were small things, always small things, but little hints were probably there and they showed their tiny faces to us and we wrote them off each time as inconsequential. Maybe it was a passing comment that showed an insensitivity to someone, or an act of casual cruelty or dishonesty. Maybe it was a seemingly uncharacteristic act that seemed totally unlike how you believed them to be, small or large, it doesn't matter, you saw it and probably on several different occasions.
We wrote off each of these micro-events as "nothing" at the time, but later after the betrayal they all seem to fall into place like a jigsaw puzzle. I believe that it is the pain of realizing that we did see something and ignored it that prolongs our agony. This statement could evoke an anger response, and it is the reason I do not present it early in sessions because the emotional grieving/rage at the betrayal is a necessary and important phase. But after enough time has passed, and the people themselves ask why they can't stop ruminating, that is the time to deal with this aspect of the process of release. Once we can admit to ourselves, however humiliating or painful it can be, that we actually did see signs that were tiny red flags of this person's capacity to betray us, we can move out of ruminating and into wholeness again.

Once we can acknowledge that we actually did have a hint of the potential problem, we no longer have to feel as vulnerable to the same event happening again. The "total victim" mentality diminishes and an empowerment arises. We realize that we could pay attention to the flags in the future, and therefore need not be overwhelmed by the very real seeming possibility that it could happen the same way again. We will always carry the scar of the event, but in our trudging onward we will never be as naive. Betrayal, we find, initiates us into a deeper, more mature psychology that will serve us in many different ways in the future. Our scars serve as our badges of honor.