Staying Together for the Children: The Other Side

One of the most discussed topics in therapy sessions around the subject of divorce is the potential negative effect on children. "I don't want to hurt the children," is the most common phrase and a reasonable one for obvious reasons. While it appears that the only solution is to stay together to avoid exposing children to the pain of divorce, I just want to tell you "The Other Side."

The other side is the one I hear from kids fifteen to twenty who describe their family environment. I remember one seventeen year old female in particular. I asked her, "what is your parent's relationship like" to get a feel for the relational modeling she'd learned growing up. I cannot begin to tell you how many clients of all ages who say some variation of the same answer she gave: "horrible...they hated each other and fought all the time, but said they stayed together for us."

She said this straight out.

"What makes you think they hated each other?"

"Oh it was obvious in their tone and the way they rolled their eyes to us when they left the room. They'd argue all the time, and even if they whispered loudly in the other room, you could just feel it...I just wish they would've split because we got along fine with them when they weren't in the same room together."

"Did you ever ask them about it, their relationship and all?"

"When I got older I asked Mom after one particular fight why they didn't divorce and she said they wanted to stay together until we went to college. I couldn't wait to get out of there and go to college. It was harder on my brothers because they were stuck there for several more years."

I have heard so many variations of this statement. I imagine it is possible that there is a person who had parents who hated each other but is still glad they stayed together for the sake of the family, I've just never met that person yet. My point is that parents rarely hear this side of the negative effects of "staying together for the kids" because they don't talk to people who had to live through it. The bottom line is this: all kids can feel psychological/emotional tension in a room and are negatively affected by it. They may not have the words to talk about it to the parents, but they feel it nonetheless. They want it to stop because it makes them feel bad, and they can often feel responsible for the fight because fights often involve scheduling around the child.

Here is what I cannot figure out: how is the children's repeated exposure to their parent's fighting sparing them any pain? They are not sparing the children from pain by not divorcing, they are simply prolonging their own marital pain for everyone around to feel. Kids get it. You hate each other. They feel your pain.

Another event that often happens after a period of these fights involves one or more of the teenage children in a family begging a parent to leave to stop the fights. They usually poll the other older kids and approach a parent armed with a consensus. If the parent refuses, the kids often lose respect for the parents and withdraw from the family.

"I thought my Dad was an idiot for letting my Mom treat him like that, I lost all respect for them both," she said.

This is the issue: Do what you want for religious reasons or what looks best for the family or others, but if the true reason you are not separating is because you want to spare the kids PAIN---forget about it---there is pain with either decision, but the one where you stay together in a hateful relationship just keeps forcing YOUR pain on them to feel, experience and absorb every day.

Please understand, this is not a pro-separation article. I recommend couples go to therapy and try to work things out---that is the best way to avoid divorce. I am only saying children experience prolonged pain when their parents are in a loveless marriage, and that is the other side of the argument that many parents do not take into account.