Surviving Holiday Family Gatherings: An Anthropologist's View

Yes Folks, it's Holiday Season! At this point half of the readers are groaning and the other half are smiling (usually the one's with small children). It is in this glorious season that many of us have the great privilege of spending time with all of our family members, many of whom we only see once or twice a year. What a Joy!

Or not...

Let the craziness begin! It is at this time that friends share their wonderfully crazy stories of what they can expect to happen during their visitations with family. If someone else is sharing the "crazy Al" story then it is inevitably funny. If you are the one telling the "crazy Al" story, it is not funny at all. Funny how that is, huh? What do we do with these cringing experiences that inevitably occur in our family visits during the holidays? How do we survive our "crazy Al's" during the holiday season?

Here is what I advise people who are genuinely dreading their newest edition of "America's Funniest Holiday Gatherings": I tell them to approach the visit as if you are an anthropologist visiting an unknown tribe to report on their native customs during their holiday season. I advise them to approach the gathering with the objective, non judgmental eye of strict observation. Ask the important questions about what you are actually observing without getting distracted by the actual events. Be totally involved, but unattached to whatever transpires. Ask yourself: Who is the tribal chief? Is this a true leader or just a figure head? Who is really running the events? How do they interact with one another? Who is the conflict producer and how does this serve the tribe? Who is the tension reducer (the tribal clown) and how do they accomplish it? What are the different roles people play and how do they serve the tribe? All of these questions are important to the trained anthropologist to better understand tribal dynamics within any system they study. Take the interest in the questions seriously.

Once one approaches their holiday gatherings this way, they have accomplished two wonderful things: They have a technique to be able to analyze family dynamics without getting caught up in the whirlwind of activity that gatherings inevitably produce, and they can take in information never before seen by adopting an "observing witness" role rather than a "reactive participant" role. They are fully engaged in the activities, but unattached to outcomes of the activities. They simply observe the events and let them play out from a place, not of horror, but of curiosity. The event simply unfolds: "How curious their behavior is!"

Of course, this takes practice as any student of anthropology will tell you. Reactivity to difficult events playing out before your very eyes is hard to keep in check at first attempt, but every good student realizes that the only way to gain understanding and empathy for the way a tribe interacts is to maintain an objective witness role and observe without judgment. Then, and only then, can one attain a true understanding of how the system supports, nurtures (or not), but pushes toward growth, every one of its members. It may not be a pretty process, but it somehow works toward the evolution of all tribe members in some way.

Happy Holidays, Anthropological Students!