Technology And The Lost Power Of Attention

I was at a book signing/discussion group recently and the topic of texting came up related to one of the Fundamentals in my book: "Genuine Interest In and Attention to Others is a Rare Commodity." Believe it or not, I wrote this section of the book several years before texting even existed, but it certainly applies to the newest, negative byproduct of technology.

All of our techno-gadgets have turned us into the generation of partial attention. We can only partially concentrate on conversations with the people around us because we are so busy texting or answering our cellphones. We only have an attention span of about five to ten minutes for any one interaction before our attention is drawn away by another ringtone or text. The ability to give or receive attention from another for any length of time is becoming lost in the shuffle of our technology laden lives. Even at restaurants you can watch groups of diners with only half of the table engaged in conversation while the other half is texting silently under the table, eyes seemingly fixed on the floor, oblivious to those around them. Here is the problem: The power of giving someone our full attention, an essential ingredient for human connection, is being lost. Even on the phone we are usually talking while driving or doing something else, unable to give even the phone conversation our full attention.

Can you remember the last time someone gave you their undivided, face to face attention without interruption for any length of time? Can you remember the feeling you had when you did get that kind of undivided attention? At the discussion group many people nodded in remembrance of the "emotional embrace" one feels when they are given someone's undivided attention. It is becoming a lost commodity. Attention is as necessary as air for us humans, and as a therapist, I am constantly reminded of the powerful effect attention (or lack of it) has on relationships. The complaint, "you never listen to me," and, "you don't pay attention to my needs anymore," are statements I hear most often in couple's therapy. Sadly, while we all crave attention, we are also rarely able to give it to even our closest friends. As I describe at length in my book, we are all too busy filling our own needs to attend to others. All this is occurring within all of us even before we get our first cellphone. It seems to only get worse after that.

Quantum physics is proving to us that focusing attention on anything changes that thing in observable ways, an influence we are only beginning to scientifically understand and measure. And yet, just as we are more capable of physically measuring the effects attention has on people and things, we seem even less capable of giving it to each other. I honestly believe there is a magical effect from receiving someone's attention, and anyone who has had someone's face to face, uninterrupted, full attention for a period of time knows what that magic feels like. I hope you have a chance to experience this rarest of commodities sometime in your life.