"One Thing And You're Kilt For Life"

As the joke goes (or how I heard it) a guy is asked by his wife, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" The fairly oblivious husband responds, ""Nope your big butt makes your pants look big." The wife, fuming as she slams the door leaving the room says, "That is it, I want a divorce!" The oblivious husband sighs and mutters, "One thing and you're kilt for life." I am sure there are other variations of the joke, but it is the last line that I am focusing on here.

I am seeing a disturbing pattern in this increasingly politically correct and hyper-sensitive world in which we live. In the name of political correctness, I am seeing people's increasing comfort with totally writing someone off for one misplaced or inappropriate comment. I am talking now about friends, or people with which there is some history and relationship. I totally understand how first impressions are very powerful and making a huge gaffe in the first meeting can sour future interest in starting a relationship, but I am talking about established relationships here. I am noticing an increased hyper-sensitivity by people who were "shocked" or "offended" by a friend or associate's statement and a willingness to say through act or deed, "I don't like them anymore."

Now I am not talking about a comment that reflects a long pattern or history of similar comments by someone. That would be just the last straw of a long line of comments reflecting the same attitude. I am talking about some fresh comment or offending behavior that in the offended party's mind was "just too much" or "crossed the line." I say all this because I too have been the party that said the wrong thing at times throughout my life and have unfortunately lost people because of it. "What horrible thing did you say, Kevin," is the thought that you may have I am sure, but for the most part I was never told by that person what those things were, or given a chance to respond or defend my statements-- I was just banished. No, they were not some racist/ethnic slurs or anything of that inflammatory proportion, but the comments just offended someone, and that was it, potential or established friendship ruined. I've even had others defend me in situations by saying, "Oh, that's so and so and they are always reacting to stuff like that." I am thinking in those situations: "why couldn't we talk about it----conflict resolution style?" People do not want to talk in way too many cases I am seeing these days.

One comment recently was when I saw the sister of a friend react anxiously about a mess someone made and said, "Wow, that is just like your sister would react." End of possible relationship with the newly-met sister. I had overstepped some unknown boundary and it was the topic of much conversation the next day about how "rude" I was. I only found out several months later from someone else that she had that reaction to my observation. There are other examples of course, but you get the idea.

Now, I admit, I am very forthcoming of spontaneous insights and seemingly innocent observations, but I am shocked by people's increasing willingness to "write someone off" simply because they were uncomfortable with someone's offhanded comment. I see the same thing in corporations when someone asks a "forbidden" question or points out a commonly known, but taboo/undiscussable fact. The offending party is increasingly ostracised or fired. What has become of us as a culture? Are we becoming so psychologically fragile as a whole that a simple statement can get us fired/dumped/ostracised by communities?

In my book (you know the title already.....don't you?), I talk about a similar effect I've found in groups. I call it the "tyranny of the child." This is where group discussion/attention is held captive by someone who is offended by something that was said, and that person then proceeds to take the group hostage, claiming all attention to their personal drama surrounding their personal offense until they have receive a satisfactory amount of attention/apology/nurturing to allow the group to move forward. I distinguish this from a person appropriately sharing impact of another person's statement by pointing out that sharing impact from someone's statement does not demand the group as a whole to stop and "fix" the emotional "harm." "I am hurt so you need to fix me," is very different from, "I had this reaction to your statement." One is "needy child attention-getting", the other is "adult" sharing.

My point in all this is that is seems to be more and more acceptable these days to be able to write someone off because of one social faux pas or a perceived slight or insult. Is this helpful in any way? Are we becoming so politically correct or socially fragile that any comment that offends us warrants justifiable abandonment? Have you ever been banished for something stupid or spontaneous that you said at a gathering?

I am encouraging something more adult in these situations if you experience some "offense" socially. Investigate the motivations behind the statement. Find out what was happening for that person before you banish/fire them. Have none of us made a stupid comment before? Is there any room for social error anymore? I once jokingly referred to myself as a "girly man" using Schwarzenegger's line and was angrily confronted by a group member who told me that her brother was Gay and I owed her and him an apology for my "sexual slur." He was not there at the time, but she knew it would have been as offensive to him as it was to her, and she wanted her pound of flesh now. I apologized, but she remained angry.

Am I crazy or was that an obvious overreaction? Are you seeing the same trend?

It seems increasingly these days that one thing and you ARE kilt for life.