Why People Are Mean

We have all dealt with them throughout our entire lives. When we are children we call them "bullies", and when we are teenagers we just call them "meanies". As adults we call them "***holes", but the truth is, some people in our lives are just plain mean. They are hopefully not a part of our family, though most of us have at least one of them somewhere in the old tree. They are often bosses, neighbors, in laws, etc... we all have them and we just have to deal with them. But why are they like that? What makes them so...well...mean?

The reason is surprising to many and can be boiled down to one word: Fear. In my book, the first Fundamental is "Everyone is terrified..." and I made it Fundamental one because most people live much of their emotional lives reacting to one or another of their own fears. Simply put: mean people are the most terrified people in the world. They experience the world from a lens of Fear and react accordingly. Every action they experience is processed through an emotional software that fearfully sees the world as "doing something bad to them." Sadly, every action they witness is put through this software. They fear that in every action they experience somebody might be taking advantage or insulting them in some way. From their perspective, you are not simply changing lanes in traffic, you are "disrespecting me." You are not inquiring about something, you are "interrogating me, not trusting me, why are you asking me about that?!" You are not offering to help me, you are "saying I didn't know that already," or "calling me stupid or something." These people are so terrified inside there are very few things you can do around them that do not evoke an anger response. That is why they stand out so much to everyone around them. The usual reaction by those around them when they defensively lash out is a stunned silence. There is this blank stare and pause you give them while your brain frantically tries to wrap itself around why your innocent behavior caused such a crazy reaction from them.

You see, when you are really scared by something, your emotions turn primal---the fight or flight response. Why animals are the most scared and dangerous when they are cornered is because they fear for their survival and will lash out brutally to protect themselves. Think of mean people as continuously cornered animals and you will understand why they react to everything in such a vicious (mean) way. Their fear is not so much physical survival, but emotional survival. They are constantly trying to overcome/disprove their own inner, vicious self-critical voice that is consistently berating them about being stupid, unloved, ugly, incompetent, hated, useless, alone, stupid (gotta say that one at least twice), fat, unappreciated, and any other endless litany of horrible things their inner critical voice literally says to them on a moment by moment basis. If you ask these people (which you wouldn't for obvious reasons) what their inner critic says to them, they would say they did not know. They would be telling you the truth because they are so accustomed to the horrible things they've heard in their head for so many years that they are literally no longer aware of them. They still hear the insults, but they are no longer conscious of them. The insults are like "white noise" in their head in the background, streaming straight to the unconscious with no barrier at all. They are terrified that these cruel words are true because they have ingrained them into themselves for so long. So every action you do around them is drawn to their awareness through that critical cloth, your actions or words approach their perception heavily draped with all of their own negative thoughts. No wonder the most innocent actions or words appear to them as some kind of attack by you when they are covered with such critical, emotional muck.

Could you find compassion for someone experiencing the world every single moment like that? Maybe not because their anger and meanness seems so disconnected from anything you did that it just seems unjustifiably mean and overblown. Oh well, at least now you know why they are the way they are. Be glad your own fears and self criticisms are much less intense than theirs are or you would be just like them, endlessly lashing out at imagined, attacking windmills. So don't be too hard on mean people once you get over their crazy reactions, the emotional world in which they live is much harder on them already.

Technology And The Lost Power Of Attention

I was at a book signing/discussion group recently and the topic of texting came up related to one of the Fundamentals in my book: "Genuine Interest In and Attention to Others is a Rare Commodity." Believe it or not, I wrote this section of the book several years before texting even existed, but it certainly applies to the newest, negative byproduct of technology.

All of our techno-gadgets have turned us into the generation of partial attention. We can only partially concentrate on conversations with the people around us because we are so busy texting or answering our cellphones. We only have an attention span of about five to ten minutes for any one interaction before our attention is drawn away by another ringtone or text. The ability to give or receive attention from another for any length of time is becoming lost in the shuffle of our technology laden lives. Even at restaurants you can watch groups of diners with only half of the table engaged in conversation while the other half is texting silently under the table, eyes seemingly fixed on the floor, oblivious to those around them. Here is the problem: The power of giving someone our full attention, an essential ingredient for human connection, is being lost. Even on the phone we are usually talking while driving or doing something else, unable to give even the phone conversation our full attention.

Can you remember the last time someone gave you their undivided, face to face attention without interruption for any length of time? Can you remember the feeling you had when you did get that kind of undivided attention? At the discussion group many people nodded in remembrance of the "emotional embrace" one feels when they are given someone's undivided attention. It is becoming a lost commodity. Attention is as necessary as air for us humans, and as a therapist, I am constantly reminded of the powerful effect attention (or lack of it) has on relationships. The complaint, "you never listen to me," and, "you don't pay attention to my needs anymore," are statements I hear most often in couple's therapy. Sadly, while we all crave attention, we are also rarely able to give it to even our closest friends. As I describe at length in my book, we are all too busy filling our own needs to attend to others. All this is occurring within all of us even before we get our first cellphone. It seems to only get worse after that.

Quantum physics is proving to us that focusing attention on anything changes that thing in observable ways, an influence we are only beginning to scientifically understand and measure. And yet, just as we are more capable of physically measuring the effects attention has on people and things, we seem even less capable of giving it to each other. I honestly believe there is a magical effect from receiving someone's attention, and anyone who has had someone's face to face, uninterrupted, full attention for a period of time knows what that magic feels like. I hope you have a chance to experience this rarest of commodities sometime in your life.