Surviving Holiday Family Gatherings: An Anthropologist's View

Yes Folks, it's Holiday Season! At this point half of the readers are groaning and the other half are smiling (usually the one's with small children). It is in this glorious season that many of us have the great privilege of spending time with all of our family members, many of whom we only see once or twice a year. What a Joy!

Or not...

Let the craziness begin! It is at this time that friends share their wonderfully crazy stories of what they can expect to happen during their visitations with family. If someone else is sharing the "crazy Al" story then it is inevitably funny. If you are the one telling the "crazy Al" story, it is not funny at all. Funny how that is, huh? What do we do with these cringing experiences that inevitably occur in our family visits during the holidays? How do we survive our "crazy Al's" during the holiday season?

Here is what I advise people who are genuinely dreading their newest edition of "America's Funniest Holiday Gatherings": I tell them to approach the visit as if you are an anthropologist visiting an unknown tribe to report on their native customs during their holiday season. I advise them to approach the gathering with the objective, non judgmental eye of strict observation. Ask the important questions about what you are actually observing without getting distracted by the actual events. Be totally involved, but unattached to whatever transpires. Ask yourself: Who is the tribal chief? Is this a true leader or just a figure head? Who is really running the events? How do they interact with one another? Who is the conflict producer and how does this serve the tribe? Who is the tension reducer (the tribal clown) and how do they accomplish it? What are the different roles people play and how do they serve the tribe? All of these questions are important to the trained anthropologist to better understand tribal dynamics within any system they study. Take the interest in the questions seriously.

Once one approaches their holiday gatherings this way, they have accomplished two wonderful things: They have a technique to be able to analyze family dynamics without getting caught up in the whirlwind of activity that gatherings inevitably produce, and they can take in information never before seen by adopting an "observing witness" role rather than a "reactive participant" role. They are fully engaged in the activities, but unattached to outcomes of the activities. They simply observe the events and let them play out from a place, not of horror, but of curiosity. The event simply unfolds: "How curious their behavior is!"

Of course, this takes practice as any student of anthropology will tell you. Reactivity to difficult events playing out before your very eyes is hard to keep in check at first attempt, but every good student realizes that the only way to gain understanding and empathy for the way a tribe interacts is to maintain an objective witness role and observe without judgment. Then, and only then, can one attain a true understanding of how the system supports, nurtures (or not), but pushes toward growth, every one of its members. It may not be a pretty process, but it somehow works toward the evolution of all tribe members in some way.

Happy Holidays, Anthropological Students!

Small Talk as Spiritual Service

Growing up, and especially in my teenage years, I absolutely hated "small talk". I thought it represented the worst of small minds. Whenever I was in a public place and somebody said to a stranger, "Boy the weather sure is Hot/Cold today," I would just roll my eyes in disgust. "What idiots," I would say to myself, "Why would anyone need to say that to a stranger?" And yet everyone would do it in some form or other each time I was in a public gathering for any length of time. Someone inevitably would just have to say something about the weather, our sports team's chances in the playoffs, or any other number of superficial topics that truly meant nothing, it seemed, of importance.

Boy was I wrong!

Shift to fifteen years later. I am walking in from an incredibly hot summer day into a lunch line at Subway and out of my mouth came the unexpected, "Whew," I gasped, "It is hot as an oven out there!" I couldn't believe I said it. I wanted to die right then and there. I had just made my first stupid, weather comment in public, and it just blurted out unexpectedly. Before I could duck my head in shame, two people in front of me in line turned to me with huge smiles. "Isn't it though," one of them said, "I just about had a heart attack walking in from my car." Another person next to him said, "It hasn't been this hot since twenty years ago when I was in the service." A third person chimed in, all smiles, "I'm just glad I have a job with air conditioning, it's the only time I don't mind going to work, saves me A/C money at home." A fourth person jumped in, "Yea, and my air conditioning just busted." Everyone in the line spontaneously chimed in unison, "Awwwwwww," and added some version of "that's horrible." I stood back watching this unfold, my mouth agape. People continued excitedly telling their hottest summer stories to the person next to them, and this continued until everyone got their order and left.

Watching that interaction changed everything for me. I blurt out one superficial comment about weather and look what sprang up: social connection. Strangers spoke to each other as if they were old friends. All this from one stupid, weather comment. That's when I got it. Small talk isn't about exchanging stupid comments to strangers, it's about finding a topic total strangers have in common (weather, local events) and using it to connect socially.

Small talk is the tool that enables people to instantaneously connect with a total stranger. And if one believes that one purpose we are on this planet is to build relationships with those around us throughout our lives, then one could make the argument that engaging in small talk---bringing total strangers together, connecting even for one short minute---is truly service work of a spiritual nature. My stupid weather comment allowed nine strangers, who would probably have never spoken to each other otherwise, to connect for a brief moment in time as friends. No longer were they estranged from each other during those moments. Just a group of people with something in common that allowed them to connect with each other.

So now, when I am in line somewhere, I cannot wait to say, "Man, is the weather crazy out there or what" just to watch the smiling eyes light up around me and the comments of agreement lead to shared stories. Relationship building with total strangers all because I was willing to rethink an action that I once dismissed as stupid.

And the weird thing is, not only am I good at it these days, I now LOVE to small talk. Who'd have thunk it? Stupid me.

Playing the Fool in Life

Nobody can feel better than the man who is completely taken in.

To be intelligent may be a boon, but to be completely trusting,

gullible to the point of idiocy, to surrender without reservation,

is one of the supreme joys of life.

Henry Miller

As a counselor over the years, I have heard countless, heartbreaking stories of my clients who were unwittingly tricked or cheated by someone they totally trusted in their life, or were treated in a way they never expected, in short, being played as a fool. I have struggled over the years to find something consoling to say to them, and until recently had nothing comforting for them except to say that "this too shall pass," which, while true, is not the most consoling tidbit to say the least.

Recently I saw a James Bond movie, "Live and Let Die," for the twenty-third time, and saw a scene that involved a Tarot card deck and the "Fool" card. It hit me that throughout ancient mythology the Fool was a revered character. I also remembered that the Fool is a notable character in every indigenous tradition and every culture that exists. What is it with this iconic role? Why was it so respected as evidenced by its mythic and ubiquitous role throughout history in every existing culture? I wondered, "What if this role is so prevalent, not just because we all experience it sometime in life, but because there is some larger spiritual reason for it's existence? What if the playing the Fool in life was far from foolish and actually a higher calling?

To understand this line of thinking, one only needs to look at the role of the Fool in every story that it appears. It usually involves an unknowing "innocent" (usually being set up over a period of time) who is deceived or duped into having something taken from them. Usually the "innocent" is totally trusting or unsuspecting that this person could do anything bad to them, in essence giving this person the rare gift of total trust. This is where the divinity of the character appears. The Fool gives this person involved the gift of utter trust, and by doing so bestows a sacredness to the relationship. How many people in your life have you known who gave someone total trust? Not many I'm sure. The Fool does this without any reservation. If you have ever received this honor, you may know how such a gift feels inside. It is rare and special.

The "Betrayer", then, is held within a sacred relationship right up to the point that he commits the act of betrayal. It is through this gift of trust that the Fool plays his cosmically divine role: The Fool actually gives the person a chance NOT to commit the act of betrayal and remain in the privileged role of "trusted friend", a high and rare honor in life. If the person does NOT commit the act, knowing full well that he could get away with it, he avoids a weaker urge within himself and therefore grows in character and spirit. He overcomes a weaker impulse that we all experience in life, and flies with his better angels. The Fool, therefore, is the rare archetypal character that allows us, in an instant, this glorious opportunity---a redemption of sorts.

Whether it is a cashier who gives us too much change, or the trusting partner who gives us access to the private bank account, or the relative who signs over to us all financial rights, these are all examples of the Fool acting in total trust and allowing us an opportunity to fight our lesser impulses and rise to a higher standard of purpose in our life. Only the Fool gives us this opportunity in such a definitive way. So by giving back the extra change to the cashier, or NOT acting in an irresponsible or greedy way allows us an immediate character "check" and an opportunity to grow in one's own esteem.

It is interesting to note in one's life, can you remember a time when you had the opportunity to do something you knew was wrong and resisted it? Can you remember the struggle involved in your mind including the rationalizations like: "They won't even notice that much gone", or "I deserve it for all I've done", or "Who will it hurt"? This is the sacred vessel into which the Fool puts us and let's us decide for ourselves in that moment: "Who am I going to be here?"

I don't know how consoling this explanation will be for my clients in the future. One thing is certain though, playing the Fool is not as trivial or foolish as it may initially appear because playing the role of "the tester of Souls" is no small matter. It can only be played by those with the capacity for complete Trust in the first place. How rare and sacred such a person seems to be these days.

Emotional Moving Day

Ten years ago I had an executive client with a particularly difficult CEO for a boss. The CEO was famous for shouting at meetings so loudly that the surrounding offices could clearly hear him through the walls. On top of this, he was usually shouting about topics or issues about which he knew nothing. His CFO stopped correcting him about the factual mistakes he would be screaming about because there was no point anymore as the CEO would not remember having screamed about them after the meeting. On one occasion, after a meeting where my client was screamed at over some arcane reporting form, he asked the CFO, who was sitting there the whole time, why he had not defended him. The CFO answered, "Oh we haven't used that form for three years. Why bother pointing it out, he will just be embarrassed and besides, he won't even remember he said it by tomorrow."

After a five year tumultuous relationship, the CEO was fired one day for "inappropriate use of company funds." My client was thrilled to be finally rid of the crazy CEO and was elated for two whole days. What happened next surprised him. On the third day after the CEO was fired, he experienced a wave of anger that seemed totally disconnected to anything in his life at the time. Memories started flooding his head replaying the numerous crazy meetings he had with the CEO. Memory after memory came and went and he even found himself cursing the CEO as if he were in the room. These memories and anger feelings continued off and on for several days and then just stopped. My client was concerned that he might be going crazy himself and talked to me. I explained that it was a form of post-traumatic stress release. He had been forced to stoically bear these angry rants by his boss because the power differential would not allow him to fight back, and only after the boss was fired could he release the tension he felt at the time. He was literally "boxing away" his anger at the boss until such time that he could feel safe in releasing it. That time came when the boss was no longer his boss. After a couple of days of yelling at his past traumatic memories, he had released his pent-up anger and felt normal again.

Similarly, a client called me the other day who was going through a divorce and was disturbed that she was having crying fits after the divorce was finalized. "Why am I just crying all the time when I am glad to be out of the marriage?" I recounted the client's story and explained that it was literally all the tension of every fight and frustration she had experienced in the last ten years in her marriage. "Your psyche realizes it is now safe to release these emotions, since y0u are finally away from your husband," I told her.

We often bear the pain of interactions in relationships without realizing how much much pain we have actually gone through. We simply take the pain and put it in a box somewhere inside our self. Power differentials, the difference of perceived or accepted power between two or more people, are often the cause of this. We cannot yell back at our bosses because they might fire us---power differential---so we bury the pain/anger. We cannot yell/fight back with our spouses for fear of some retaliation---power differential---so we bury the emotion. Sometimes we cannot fight back because we realize that we are the more powerful in the situation and it might cause harm to the offending person, so we box the emotion just the same. I know of 240 lb. men who have been sent to the hospital by their 120 lb. wives because they did not feel they could fight back as their wife hit them with things. It does not matter who has the true power in the situation, whoever is not able to fully express themselves will have to eventually release the suppressed emotion from the box. It might be five days or five years later, but it will eventually have to be released.

The good news in all of this is that we really do not even have to know what it is that we are releasing when it happens, only that the release is healthy and necessary. Insights connected to the release are helpful and interesting at times in the process, but ultimately less important than the sheer release itself. If the emotion is coming out unexpectedly, just let it come out and the insight might come later. Have faith that you are not going crazy just simply unboxing old emotions---think of it as your emotional "moving day." Who knows, maybe you can move some of those extra boxes out forever.

When Personal and Work Life Merge

I have discussed in previous blogs the issue of the business world and the personal world merging in the workplace. I said that through the 1970's, there were several expectations at work that were referred to at that time as being a "professional." One was that you keep your personal life and problems at home, and when you are at work, you work with no personal distractions. Another was that everyone who was above your pay grade was referred to as Mr. or Ms. _______ and not by their first names at the workplace. This kept a more formal atmosphere at work and delineated job titles. People at the same job level were informal with each other, but no one ever referred to their bosses by their first name. Dress codes were enforced, there were no casual days and any requests for time off were put in writing, not requested in the break room or hallway.

Wow, have things changed in 2010. One manager I know has put it this way, "Starting professionals these days believe that work is interfering with their personal texting, cellphone calls and computer surfing. When I ask them to work on projects, they actually shrug as if irritated by me. They act like my teenagers at home when I ask them to do a chore."

What has happened to the workplace?

My belief is that once we lowered the standards of physical/verbal decorum in the workplace, making it look and feel the same as it is at home, the employee's psyche registers that similarity as a sufficient equivalence, and starts to act, feel and express themselves the same in the workplace as they would at home. The problem with this is that now the employee's psyche begins to see the boss as Mom/Dad, co-workers as their siblings, and believes that any personal issues or feelings are both appropriate to express here and should be your problem as well. With no psychological separation between workplace and home employees feel entitled to act any way they want and vent any emotion as they want. Because this attitude has been around for a while I get a lot of clients who regularly ask me, "Why do I have to treat them any differently if they are having relationship problems or something, and why do I have to deal with their home problems at work anyway? Just do your job for God's sake, I'm your boss not your Mother!"

One client recently discussed how an employee found out that her husband was having an affair and now felt entitled to leave early every day, come in late and let deadlines slide because, "I'm going through a tough time, you know." My client felt unable to put her foot down because of the new belief that we have to be hypersensitive to everyone's needs and therefore cannot ask them to do their job if they are going through a rough time. There is a big difference between letting someone take the rest of the day off on a particularly difficult day and maybe a few personal days following, and expecting shortened work days for weeks on end.

I am not going to offer solutions to this issue at this time, but I would love to hear from other managers and hear their stories relating to this problem. It is a very real issue that is getting out of hand in the modern workplace, and it all started with making the workplace physically and psychologically more informal.

Enough Is Enough?

"Enough is enough" is an expression known more for its "I am outta here" reference than anything else. But the truth is, it is a part of an important question that many people do not ask themselves...uh...enough. When is enough enough?

When I got my first professional job at the age of 23 I was given $16,000 a year. At the time, I told my mother that this meant I was finally being paid enough to never have to worry about money ever again. Yep, I actually said that. And I believed it. She chuckled and told me in the most gentle, but knowing tone, "Honey, it's never going to be enough".

"What an idiot," I thought.
Innocence is bliss.

Now that I have lost my innocence, I am left with the question, "What is enough?"

As a professional, I am poignantly asked by wives who have less than ideal marriages, "Am I stupid for staying with this man?" I am asked the same question by men, but not as often for a variety of reasons. And my statement to them is always the "golden question" in my mind: "Well, you have to ask yourself, 'what is enough?'" This is an important question, and interestingly, the answer changes through our life phases. In the our early phases we all expected to be millionaires, or marry one, and stay beautiful for the rest of our lives. We all expected to be celebrities in our communities and respected by all. We were all going to marry the most beautiful wife or husband---with a full head of hair and the perfect body, get the perfect job, gain much professional acclaim, and don't forget the perfect, loving, and beautiful children...and live happily ever after.

Not.

Then, hopefully, we all had to ask ourselves an important question: "What is enough?" For those of you younger than thirty-nine, relax, the crushing blow of that question is not relevant to you. I ask the troubled wives/husbands I see, "What if what you believed was your God-given right in the past is no longer necessary?" Things like: my right to a husband/wife with a perfect body, or my right to be or marry a millionaire, or the perfect job, or my right to perfect and never ending sex, or wonderfully behaved, hard working children, or maybe even my simple right to an affectionate, demonstrably loving partner. What if, grand as those wishes were in the past, I've truly found in my seemingly imperfect life---enough?

I think when we were young and had these images of what we wanted out of life, we had no reason not to expect them to come true. Why shouldn't they come true, that is what we wanted after all. It is only later that many of us find that many of those images we had of our future might not pan out at all or they just change over time. They change because of the unexpected events in our lives. They change because others didn't act like we expected, and they change because life deals us some unexpected cards. Sometimes the images changed because we actually attained and lived them and they were not as great as we thought they would be. Sometimes they change because we unexpectedly found something better, something we never even thought would be life changing in the first place, like children.

So what if, after a period of time (usually after thirty-five or so), we look around at what we have in our lives, our family, our partners/spouses, our children, our jobs and say "maybe this is enough." What if this seemingly imperfect life is all I need...it's not actually settling for too little...maybe somewhat less that I originally wanted or envisioned, but finding that what I do have right now is truly enough for who I have become in life.

There is a quote from the movie, "Still Bill". It tells the story of Bill Withers who took himself out of "the game" right as he became world famous for his songs like "Lean on Me" and "Ain't No Sunshine." He said, "It's okay to head out for Wonderful, but on your way to Wonderful you're going to have to pass through all right. And when you get to all right, take a look around and get used to it 'cause that may be as far as you are going to go."

Sometimes all right is enough.

What Is Heart Development?

My Last Blog entry has prompted several inquiries into what I meant by heart development as a method of developing courage and humility. I can sum up the last blog by saying I did not think the field of Psychology would be truly advanced by any new theories of neuroses. I may be wrong here due to a lack of vision or imagination, but I believe that the only genuinely important advancements would have be in the area of personal change and would need to involve methods of changing one's conscious behaviors. As in the field of medicine, diagnosis without cure is useless. It might be interesting to understand the workings of a particular neurosis or pathology, but without an applicable solution, it would still be useless. I suggested that heart development/awakening (achieving a "Braveheart") was the most straightforward way to prepare an individual to have the courage and humility to take on the difficult task of deep personal change so I want to explain the concept of heart development in a practical way.

Most of my Executive Coaching sessions are very problem focused: Here is my problem, how do I fix it? The next level of work is: "is this going to happen again if I do not change something about myself?" If the answer is "yes" then the next level of work appears. This is usually as far as work goes for people looking for Executive Coaching. Clients seeking Personal Coaching, looking at personal and relationship issues, are usually more open to exploring the deeper issues around one's life and the root causes of them. Heart development is the conscious work on building a strong foundation in oneself that allows courageous mastery of emotion in one's life. It is the mastery of emotion that determines the flexibility, presence, and quality of relationship we experience with everything/everyone in our life. The quality of the level of your emotional mastery determines the quality of your life. Emotional Mastery is attained through Heart development/awakening.

So what would this look like? The good news is that I will not be writing some book in the future entitled, "Seven Easy Steps to a Brave Heart," though that is what everyone does these days to get rich. This work is uniquely individual and everyone works at different levels with different areas of their life to begin doing this work. Developing/awakening one's heart is extremely personal and vulnerable and deserves more care and attention than some "easy steps" because it is NOT easy. That is why I said it takes a brave heart to develop a brave heart. So what would this work look like behaviorally? I have to admit, explaining this is much harder than you would think because we have such few models out there to show us what it looks like. At the feeling level, it would be the moment in one's life when the emotion running through you is not frightening at all and you feel a simultaneous sense of both absolute confidence and vulnerability. It is a feeling of both fullness and emptiness, a sense in that moment of both wonder and knowing. The closest most people get to this is when they feel a rush of adrenaline, but that is the power feeling without the simultaneous vulnerability. Again describing this often turns discussion to poetry, but that is why it is so elusive: the more practically you describe it the more mundane it appears and the more descriptively you describe it the more paradoxical it seems.

Here is a quick behavioral way to test where you are or are not in heart development and emotional mastery:

1) How often do you verbalize your heart-felt, genuine love to your wife/husband/partner? To your children? To your friends? How often are you physically affectionate with your loved ones and family?
2) How often do you express vulnerability to your loved ones such as expressions of Fear, Worry, Weakness? How often do you apologize when you are wrong? How often can you identify making a mistake before being told?
3) How often can you express your positive feelings to loved ones and friends or express your difficult feelings with people without blame or judgement?
4) How often can you show tears to people? Do you feel comfortable crying in front of your loved ones or family? How about strangers or in movie theatres?
5) How often are you honest with people in a caring way?
6) How often are you genuinely interested in what others are telling you about their lives?
7) How often are you genuinely joyous over other people's good fortune in their lives? How often do you give positive compliments to people or give positive acclaim about their achievements?
8) How often do you make it important to make others feel safe (socially or physically) in your presence?
9) How often are you able to give genuine forgiveness to those who have hurt you or your loved ones?

People who have greatly developed their hearts, those few Bravehearts out there, do all of these things regularly and often. It is not a complete list of course, but it is a easy guide to what heart development would look like in someone else's behavior. I chose these examples because they relate to everyone and they demand the most courage and humility to accomplish. As you can see, emotional mastery involves the use of one's personal emotions and the awareness of other's emotional needs to build and strengthen all relationships. Emotional mastery, then, is not, as is commonly thought, the use of the intellect to overcome emotion, it is the use of emotions themselves to empower oneself and others. That can only be accomplished by individual work on heart development.

Growth And Change: Any Advancements?

Someone recently asked me what the "next big thing" in the advancement of Psychotherapy or Personal Change will be. It was an interesting question because in all of the sciences the forward thinkers are constantly thinking of the "next big advancement" so they can invest in their foreseeable future. The first thing that immediately came to mind for the field of Psychology was the mapping of the brain. Once we can map the brain (in progress as we speak) in a way that whatever we think can be recorded on a screen, allowing us to literally "read" people's mind when we ask them questions, we will have a huge advancement in psychological knowledge because we will finally know what people truthfully think, do, and believe in their lives. But that would only allow us to know what "is" in people and would not advance people's ability to change their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

If we are to truly advance the field of Psychology, it would seem that it would have to involve something that would help people change the things in their lives that cause them and others problems. Psychological theories about behavior are fine for academia, but they do not ultimately help a person change their dysfunctional behaviors and thinking. As I see it, the two main keys to making changes in one's life are Courage and Humility. Courage is needed to allow a new vision of one's self and life and make the psycho/behavioral changes necessary to attain it (change is one of the most fearful things imaginable---ask any manager who has had to implement a company change.) Humility is needed to first allow that something we are doing is wrong and needs change (many people fight for their lives to keep their way the RIGHT way) and then to allow someone to help facilitate the change (receiving from others is actually more difficult for most people than giving.) It would follow then from this reasoning that anything that would effortlessly boost Courage and Humility would be the next big advancement in the field of Psychotherapy.

Of course the converse corollary would also be true so that anything that could effortlessly decrease Fear and Pride would have a similar effect. Any advance that could boost one pair (Courage and Humility) and/or decrease another (Fear and Pride) and personal and collective change could be much, much easier. Got any ideas? Yea, neither do I.

So we are left with the conundrum of the ages, how do we boost Courage and Humility and lessen Fear and Pride? The obvious answer is heart development/awakening, building a genuine individual "Braveheart" for oneself. With a "Braveheart" all things are possible, but you have to deal with a paradox to accomplish it: You have to have a Braveheart to attempt the building of a Braveheart. The work is initially too vulnerable and frightening without one which is why strong-heartedness is so rarely seen these days. If only there were some advancement that could make the whole process easier.

But maybe that is the point. There is no advancement that is going to make personal change/growth easier because attaining a "Braveheart" is such a rare and powerful feat that only the strongest get the prize. And only through the vulnerable and humiliating efforts made to accomplish it can we attain it. Change is not meant to be easy, and bravery is not attained through weakness. That is what makes a "Braveheart" so rare and valuable.

"One Thing And You're Kilt For Life"

As the joke goes (or how I heard it) a guy is asked by his wife, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" The fairly oblivious husband responds, ""Nope your big butt makes your pants look big." The wife, fuming as she slams the door leaving the room says, "That is it, I want a divorce!" The oblivious husband sighs and mutters, "One thing and you're kilt for life." I am sure there are other variations of the joke, but it is the last line that I am focusing on here.

I am seeing a disturbing pattern in this increasingly politically correct and hyper-sensitive world in which we live. In the name of political correctness, I am seeing people's increasing comfort with totally writing someone off for one misplaced or inappropriate comment. I am talking now about friends, or people with which there is some history and relationship. I totally understand how first impressions are very powerful and making a huge gaffe in the first meeting can sour future interest in starting a relationship, but I am talking about established relationships here. I am noticing an increased hyper-sensitivity by people who were "shocked" or "offended" by a friend or associate's statement and a willingness to say through act or deed, "I don't like them anymore."

Now I am not talking about a comment that reflects a long pattern or history of similar comments by someone. That would be just the last straw of a long line of comments reflecting the same attitude. I am talking about some fresh comment or offending behavior that in the offended party's mind was "just too much" or "crossed the line." I say all this because I too have been the party that said the wrong thing at times throughout my life and have unfortunately lost people because of it. "What horrible thing did you say, Kevin," is the thought that you may have I am sure, but for the most part I was never told by that person what those things were, or given a chance to respond or defend my statements-- I was just banished. No, they were not some racist/ethnic slurs or anything of that inflammatory proportion, but the comments just offended someone, and that was it, potential or established friendship ruined. I've even had others defend me in situations by saying, "Oh, that's so and so and they are always reacting to stuff like that." I am thinking in those situations: "why couldn't we talk about it----conflict resolution style?" People do not want to talk in way too many cases I am seeing these days.

One comment recently was when I saw the sister of a friend react anxiously about a mess someone made and said, "Wow, that is just like your sister would react." End of possible relationship with the newly-met sister. I had overstepped some unknown boundary and it was the topic of much conversation the next day about how "rude" I was. I only found out several months later from someone else that she had that reaction to my observation. There are other examples of course, but you get the idea.

Now, I admit, I am very forthcoming of spontaneous insights and seemingly innocent observations, but I am shocked by people's increasing willingness to "write someone off" simply because they were uncomfortable with someone's offhanded comment. I see the same thing in corporations when someone asks a "forbidden" question or points out a commonly known, but taboo/undiscussable fact. The offending party is increasingly ostracised or fired. What has become of us as a culture? Are we becoming so psychologically fragile as a whole that a simple statement can get us fired/dumped/ostracised by communities?

In my book (you know the title already.....don't you?), I talk about a similar effect I've found in groups. I call it the "tyranny of the child." This is where group discussion/attention is held captive by someone who is offended by something that was said, and that person then proceeds to take the group hostage, claiming all attention to their personal drama surrounding their personal offense until they have receive a satisfactory amount of attention/apology/nurturing to allow the group to move forward. I distinguish this from a person appropriately sharing impact of another person's statement by pointing out that sharing impact from someone's statement does not demand the group as a whole to stop and "fix" the emotional "harm." "I am hurt so you need to fix me," is very different from, "I had this reaction to your statement." One is "needy child attention-getting", the other is "adult" sharing.

My point in all this is that is seems to be more and more acceptable these days to be able to write someone off because of one social faux pas or a perceived slight or insult. Is this helpful in any way? Are we becoming so politically correct or socially fragile that any comment that offends us warrants justifiable abandonment? Have you ever been banished for something stupid or spontaneous that you said at a gathering?

I am encouraging something more adult in these situations if you experience some "offense" socially. Investigate the motivations behind the statement. Find out what was happening for that person before you banish/fire them. Have none of us made a stupid comment before? Is there any room for social error anymore? I once jokingly referred to myself as a "girly man" using Schwarzenegger's line and was angrily confronted by a group member who told me that her brother was Gay and I owed her and him an apology for my "sexual slur." He was not there at the time, but she knew it would have been as offensive to him as it was to her, and she wanted her pound of flesh now. I apologized, but she remained angry.

Am I crazy or was that an obvious overreaction? Are you seeing the same trend?

It seems increasingly these days that one thing and you ARE kilt for life.

Millionaire & Truck Driver: A Marriage of Skills Not Status

I have a friend I met in the 80's---and for those of you losing count, that was almost thirty years ago---and he was a construction contractor for much of his life. He also owned a nightclub at one time and would tell stories of booking Flip Wilson, Tina Turner and drinking with Dean Martin. He just lost his fortune in the recession (real estate crash) and at sixty years old needed to do something else. He has been a millionaire at least twice in his life, and he recently decided to get a job as a truck driver. "I never thought I'd be in this kind of job, I used to think it was beneath me, but I needed something I could do now, on my own, and with little initial investment," he said to me. "I figure I can do this for ten years and retire if I do it the way I want to do it."

This is the new face of employment: the marriage of diverse skills as opposed to employment status seeking.

For most of us growing up, we went to school to get a higher paying job, hopefully with a fancy job title. This job title was our status in the world. "What do you do," is the American follow up to "Hello." What we did was who we were, how we judged our success and ultimately how proud we were of ourselves. Fair or not, true or not, it did not matter, that was the way we were raised.

Things in the 21st century have changed though, and fast. Corporate executives are working at Starbucks and Corporate Coaches are janitors. The new question of the century is not what CAN I do, it is what WILL I do. What am I willing to do? Underlying the willingness issue is a point of pride/esteem. What work is beneath me? This is the question that is nagging everyone these days especially those over thirty because they are still part of the old school of thought that says some jobs are "beneath me." This is a troubling, though pervasive, belief that some jobs are "too low" for me. We are witnessing the beginning of the end of this belief system because the economy has forced a huge contingent of extremely educated and trained people to take any work wherever they can.

What is problematic with the whole "that job is beneath me" kind of thinking is the extra hardship it is causing some people. The old expression is, "Pride goeth before a fall," meaning better to let go of pride before you hit the ground. Unfortunately I am watching many people hitting the (economic) ground. I am hearing stories every month of people selling their possessions on E-Bay before they will work for $12 an hour. One person, with two previous car repossessions, took her last $2,000 and bought (more like rented) a "no money down" car with monthly payments she knew she could not afford so she could look rich for a while (until it was inevitably repossessed also). The only point I am making here is that I believe for the next decade, people are going to be moving more toward matching skill levels rather than ego levels. Like the millionaire, contractor, club owner becoming a truck driver because he figured the system out, highly skilled workers, executives and degree holders will begin to see and value any employment as progress in the new hard economy. They will begin to adjust their pride levels to a new practicality---"money is money" and "I am not my job title." A culture where work ethic is more respected than job title would be a welcome change and one that is already in progress.

Before I go further, I must point out to the readers of this blog who have not yet read my book (a thought I try not to imagine) that I too have had my post graduate degree, humbling job phase so I know first hand all of the psychological issues that come with such a "fall." Believe me. But I want to end this piece with a silver lining in all of this job adjustment the nation is doing. The silver lining is profound and it goes like this: what if a majority of people "fell" from their status jobs and learned that after the loss of status, the only thing that is truly important is the people they work with and their relationship with them? What if "status" had less to do with what you did and more to do with who you are to work with? What if your focus became less about job titles and more about job relationships and how important it is to relate and support your fellow employees? I honestly believe that we as a nation are being asked by this crisis to move one more step beyond greed and power and move to the most important thing in life: Relationship. If this crisis does even a little toward moving people into work relationships with people whom they would not have previously related and allow them to find their common humanity, then from my perspective, the whole crisis would bring a "net plus" to the nation. Then, if these newly forged work relationships brought down the old walls of class/ego/status separation between people of all shapes and sizes even a little bit, then, as the song goes, "what a wonderful world it would be."

Staying Too Long With A "Friend"---A Frog In Water

I was talking with a female client of mine recently, and she was recounting how she had "stayed too long" with her previous husbands. When I asked her to explain she said, "I knew a long while before I divorced them that I was not in love and that I really couldn't stand them, but I stayed anyway. I don't know why." It reminded me of the true scientific discovery that if you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out immediately, but if you put it in cold water and and turn up the heat slowly, it will not react to the incrementally increasing temperature and boil itself to death. People, like frogs, it seems, also do not react to emotional pain as forcefully if it is incremental. Have you ever had a friend who did negative things to you like criticize you constantly, put you down in front of others, or regularly say negative things about you to your other friends? It is interesting to see how many people have these "frienemies" in their lives and somehow rationalize keeping them as a friend. I am leaving the issue of spouses out of this discussion because there are particular complexities to extracting oneself from a marriage as I have pointed out in previous blog topics. The topic of "frienemies" though is interesting because very few people actually rid themselves of these people around them who are causing consistent emotional pain. Their cruelty is often rationalized away with comments like, "Oh that's just how he/she is," or "He/she doesn't mean anything by it." But the truth of the matter is that what they do to us hurts more than we often admit to ourselves, so why do we put up with this for so long?

One reason, like the frog, is that the relationship did not start out that way and it may have gotten worse slowly over time. Another reason is that they are not friends with which we spend that much time so we let the behavior go...every single time. But what about a "good" friend--one that we care about and whose opinion really does matter to us? Why do we keep them in our lives when they keep doing such mean things to us? I just want to suggest one reason we stay that most do not think about. It is about Loyalty---and in this case a misplaced Loyalty. It is not a loyalty to the friend because a part of us knows they are not a real, supportive friend, rather it is a loyalty to a relationship line. We stay friends too long with unsupportive people because we have a history together and it is a loyalty to this history of friendship and the past memories that anesthetizes us to the present day hurtfulness. So we take it and take it and take it all in the name of "friendship". The question is why should we take it, and why is it so hard for most people to extract themselves from such unsupportive friendships. What to do with the frienemies among us.

When Youth Supports An Elder

I saw something very important this week that I hope is a sign of an increasing trend. For those of you who are not followers of popular culture, last night was a huge event for a large group of television fans--- Betty White hosted Saturday Night Live. Betty White has been around for eighty-eight (and one half ) years as an actress most famous for her roles on the Mary Tyler Moore show in the 70's and The Golden Girls in the 80's. Why am I writing about this on my blog, stick with me for a minute because I think the event signals something important.

The back story is that Betty made a hilarious commercial that played during the Super Bowl this year and all the twenty-somethings loved it. They loved it so much they opened a facebook page and started a campaign to get her on as a host of Saturday Night Live---the twenty-somethings show of shows so to speak. They got so many people to join the campaign that she was asked to host three months later. My own peers called me before the show to ask me to tape it so they could watch it again if they wanted. They were already anticipating a second viewing before they saw it the first time. What is going on here?

While I was watching it I saw that at least seven former SNL female members came back to be in several sketches with her exciting the audience (and I am sure the shows writers) and ensuring a "Best of SNL" title for the entire show. Remember, these former SNL players all came back for this one show, and that has never happened for anyone before her. That is when it hit me: Youth is supporting an elder. Youth liked her in the commercial, youth got their show to make her host and youth came back to the show to support and boost her skits. It also marked Betty as he oldest guest to ever host the show, and gave SNL it best rated show in eighteen months. While being an exciting event for the show's faithful, it may also be a sign of something bigger---a positive step toward bridging youth and eldership

In the traditional native cultures eldership begins with early elders (60's) and moves to middle elders (70's) and finally to the revered position of full elder (80's on). These elders are revered and honored for their wisdom in these cultures and it is not uncommon for older people from these traditions to brag that they are "almost 80". Our culture, on the other hand, often finds these people abandoned in nursing homes. So what made our culture's youth pluck this one elder, Betty White, to become an icon of their generation? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it happened and that is all that is important. When the relationship between youth and elders is strengthened in any way, our culture matures and that is worth noting. Every positive act of support of youth to elders, especially such a public one, changes our culture's negative stereotypes of older people being feeble and useless and upholds the truly dignified nature of our elders. Youth feeds elders with energy and enthusiasm and elders give experience and wisdom. This of course does not mean that all elders in this culture are automatically wise as wisdom is rarely sought after or valued by most members of our culture, but every act of mutual support strengthens the connection between the generations. Whether it is simply a shared laugh or a deep conversation, all connections that deepen relations between youth and eldership benefit our entire society.

Cancel all Meetings..... No Seriously....

Meetings, meetings, everywhere and not a drop of decision. If you work in a large organization, I am sure you feel put upon by the amount of meetings you have to attend. Not the kinds that really accomplish anything except to stroke some egos, but the kinds that simply steal your valuable time for no tangible outcome. The amazing thing is that for many institutions these same wasteful meetings probably at one time accomplished something practical, but if you are in an older established company, you are probably attending some "habit meetings"---you know the ones that have just been around forever. A manager recently asked me how I would decide which meetings were valuable and which were no longer necessary. The answer was easy. I told him, "Cancel all meetings...." He looked at me like I had three heads. "No, seriously....."

When I took over as director/administrator of my addictions unit, I had been there for several years and attended all the mandatory, wasteful meetings. I knew they weren't all a waste and that some overlapped in purpose, but I did not want to lose any that actually were helpful. I still was not sure which I should keep, so I cancelled them all for three weeks except for the JCAH required staffing of patients. When I announced it the staff looked at me in the same way as this recent client. My thinking was that if I let the dust settle and allowed people to make their own schedule with the newly opened time slots, any gathering of people that repeated itself to exchange information was probably genuinely productive and therefore would be kept as long as it was useful. After a couple of weeks what could be done on the phone or e-mail was done and if real conversation exchange were necessary, the relevant people would gather and leave when the info exchange was finished. I was right. It happened just like that. People gathered when necessary and a few of these gatherings became regularly attended using only what time was needed.

Realize though, this radical step of cancelling all meetings takes courage because everyone is married to at least one meeting. My point is that the information exchange may not need to include an actual gathering in one room and can be done on an "as needed" basis. The other needed gatherings will form around the necessary people's schedule and can actuallly float during the week to fit flexibly to any acute scheduling problems of the attendees. If a meeting forms casually it is needed, if not, the information was probably exchanged in some other manner.

So to see which of your meetings are really necessary, cancel them all for a while. Seriously.

Acknowledgement Upholds Dignity.

I will admit it, I watched "Undercover Boss" tonight for the first time. I just wanted to see what it was about. Granted it is the Cinderella story all over again in a workplace setting, but who cares, it's fun. This show should help managers realize how powerful it is to truly acknowledge someone in their workplace. Giving acknowledgement to employees is an ongoing issue in every company I work with and the reasons managers have trouble giving this acknowledgement is covered in my book (see Fundamental Three), but I want to share my own recent experience with the power of acknowledgement.

I was in a Florida Walgreens buying some beer (yes they actually sell it there) and there was a long line of people being served by a single older woman in her fifties. As each customer reached the checkout, she took each of their items and neatly packaged them in an extremely conscientious way. She individually bagged each bottle before placing it into a larger bag, reached back to get a cardboard strip to place between the bottles in the bag before she placed in the next bottle, opened another bag for any other items and placed them in it slowly and carefully as if she were handling eggs. She did this with the five customers before me and treated each as if they were the only customer in the place. I would love to tell you that patience is one of my virtues---it is not. By the time my turn came I was pulling out my hair as she took what seemed a full five minutes with each customer, which at the time felt like an eternity. I mean, just put the bottles in a bag and move on, would ya? But no, she took meticulous care for each customer's precious purchase.

As my turn came she double bagged my beer and made sure that it fit perfectly even folding the top of the bag down with three perfectly symmetrical folds. I do not know what made me do this, but I considered saying something about the enormous time she took with each customer because everyone in the line was harrumphing and sighing to send a signal that they were as impatient as I was. Right as I opened my mouth someone sighed a little too loud behind me. I was embarrassed for the cashier and myself because I could have easily done the same thing given another minute, but something unexpected happened. For some reason as I opened my mouth and heard my own impatience acted out by someone else behind me, my better angels prevailed.

"You take such care in your bagging of people's items," I said in the most sincerely gentle tone.

I do not know where this response came from (actually I do, see Fundamental Seven in my book), but it came out. This woman looked up at me with the brightest smile I had seen in years. Her face beamed radiantly.

"Why thank you," she said almost breathlessly and beaming with pride, "I took an entire course to learn it."

I was touched by her proud response. I couldn't believe I had said what I did in the gentle tone that I had, and to see her react so positively to what could have easily been a sarcastic, nasty encounter---I could not believe my luck in having had it come out that way.

My simple acknowledgement upheld this woman's dignity. In a lesser moment of impatience I could have easily torn her down. Because of my own impatience I could not see that she was intending to be an excellent employee for her company that put her through an entire class to learn this technique. She realized it must have been important to her company or why would they have spent all that time teaching it to their employees. First comes careful attention, then comes speed with more practice. She was truly any company's dream employee, and I was judging her to be a pain. But all it took was a little acknowledgement of her effort and all was right in her world. Why can't we do this for more people in our lives? It would make such a difference for people's esteem.

I will remember this for a while and forget it again. That is the way of the world. We get the teachings, forget them over time, and then hopefully remember them again.

Acknowledgement upholds dignity.

Important stuff to remember for managers and fellow human beings alike.

Staying Together for the Children: The Other Side

One of the most discussed topics in therapy sessions around the subject of divorce is the potential negative effect on children. "I don't want to hurt the children," is the most common phrase and a reasonable one for obvious reasons. While it appears that the only solution is to stay together to avoid exposing children to the pain of divorce, I just want to tell you "The Other Side."

The other side is the one I hear from kids fifteen to twenty who describe their family environment. I remember one seventeen year old female in particular. I asked her, "what is your parent's relationship like" to get a feel for the relational modeling she'd learned growing up. I cannot begin to tell you how many clients of all ages who say some variation of the same answer she gave: "horrible...they hated each other and fought all the time, but said they stayed together for us."

She said this straight out.

"What makes you think they hated each other?"

"Oh it was obvious in their tone and the way they rolled their eyes to us when they left the room. They'd argue all the time, and even if they whispered loudly in the other room, you could just feel it...I just wish they would've split because we got along fine with them when they weren't in the same room together."

"Did you ever ask them about it, their relationship and all?"

"When I got older I asked Mom after one particular fight why they didn't divorce and she said they wanted to stay together until we went to college. I couldn't wait to get out of there and go to college. It was harder on my brothers because they were stuck there for several more years."

I have heard so many variations of this statement. I imagine it is possible that there is a person who had parents who hated each other but is still glad they stayed together for the sake of the family, I've just never met that person yet. My point is that parents rarely hear this side of the negative effects of "staying together for the kids" because they don't talk to people who had to live through it. The bottom line is this: all kids can feel psychological/emotional tension in a room and are negatively affected by it. They may not have the words to talk about it to the parents, but they feel it nonetheless. They want it to stop because it makes them feel bad, and they can often feel responsible for the fight because fights often involve scheduling around the child.

Here is what I cannot figure out: how is the children's repeated exposure to their parent's fighting sparing them any pain? They are not sparing the children from pain by not divorcing, they are simply prolonging their own marital pain for everyone around to feel. Kids get it. You hate each other. They feel your pain.

Another event that often happens after a period of these fights involves one or more of the teenage children in a family begging a parent to leave to stop the fights. They usually poll the other older kids and approach a parent armed with a consensus. If the parent refuses, the kids often lose respect for the parents and withdraw from the family.

"I thought my Dad was an idiot for letting my Mom treat him like that, I lost all respect for them both," she said.

This is the issue: Do what you want for religious reasons or what looks best for the family or others, but if the true reason you are not separating is because you want to spare the kids PAIN---forget about it---there is pain with either decision, but the one where you stay together in a hateful relationship just keeps forcing YOUR pain on them to feel, experience and absorb every day.

Please understand, this is not a pro-separation article. I recommend couples go to therapy and try to work things out---that is the best way to avoid divorce. I am only saying children experience prolonged pain when their parents are in a loveless marriage, and that is the other side of the argument that many parents do not take into account.

The Mystery of Apology

When was the last time someone apologized to you? And I don't mean one of those modern apologies that goes like, "If something I said happened by random chance to offend you...", I mean one that felt vulnerable and genuine. I don't remember the last time I got one. It is interesting because I seem to be someone that needs to apologize a lot. Whether it is an off hand comment or an unintended slight, I find myself quick to apologize to anyone I can when it is needed. But that is the point isn't it---that is the snag in the whole thing---"when it is needed." Nobody thinks it is needed anymore. I understand that in this day and age of "sue over anything" it is not recommended to apologize to anyone because that is seen as some admission of guilt. Doctors are especially careful of this even though studies now show that doctors who apologize for their mistakes are much less likely to be sued. I talk to managers all the time that say something too strong or loud to a worker (see my last blog entry for my own managerial outburst), but they are extremely reluctant to apologize because it will "make me look weak." So losing control of your emotions makes you look strong? I understand the cultural ethos of the male dominant society that says males who yell are stronger than soft spoken males, but does that yelling truly command respect from fellow workers? I don't think so.

A mysterious thing happens to people when they get a true apology. They become uncomfortable. I think the reason I see this so clearly when others do not is because I am doing it so frequently in my own life. There is a palpable discomfort people have that usually causes them to say in an almost reflexive way, "no...no really it is fine." To which I have to reply with my own "no" followed by, "no really I mean it, I am sorry." Now why is this? Why do they almost cut me off when I am apologizing to say it is alright and not to worry about it? I believe it is because the genuine act of apology carries a true power that is felt by those involved. The act of vulnerability by one brings forth a sympathetic vulnerability of another. This is felt so strongly that there is a reflexive attempt to stop the process mid sentence and move on so as not to feel its full force. The Mystery of apology to me is both the healing power of being vulnerable to another human being and the vulnerability it reciprocates from the other. It is not, as feared by many, some kind of loss of power by one, but rather an evening of power for both. Both parties are empowered by the act of vulnerability by one. That may be why I no longer fear the act itself because something strengthens within the relationship because of it.

Apologize sometime with true vulnerability and watch the other person try to cut you off from finishing by telling you, "No, it was nothing...no need for that." If they try to cut you off it was heartfelt, if they are mad at you afterward, it was probably one of those modern, protected kinds of apology.

No Failed Marriages

Since this site advertises both "personal and individual executive" coaching, let's get personal for a moment. I just heard about another famous Hollywood divorce after 20+ years of marriage. You have to ask yourself, "What the heck is going on here?" Twenty years? And if that marriage breaks up after all those years, what chance do I have? It is a reasonable question. Here is the irony: it is exactly for the fact that marriages are often successful in one area that divorces can occur. Strange, huh? Let me talk about one particularly positive outcome of marriage that can also lead to divorce: personal growth.

We enter marriage hoping we will live happily ever after. This is all good and well except that rarely do people realize the true power of the "cauldron" of relationship. Relationship, especially marriage, is such a powerful force in and of itself that it forces people to begin changing the fabric of who they were when they entered it.

Let me use the soup analogy. Let's say a carrot and a potato are the couple entering a marriage. The pot of boiling water is the marriage cauldron. The potato and carrot jump in and initially things are warm all over. What is happening though is that over time they begin to soften and infuse each other from their experiences within the marriage. Carrot and potato start becoming less distinct within themselves and start to become carrotpotato. Flavors mix and experiences are the added spice making what were two distinct beings and flavors into more of a blended soup. Add kids to the soup (peas or onions---your choice) and carrot and potato become even more infused with "flavor" changing the distinct nature of every participant involved. You see the analogy. What was once two separate items added to boiling water (marriage) is now a blended, flavorful soup, but all entities quite different from the original drop into the pot. The process can be so slow though that it is easy to miss the blending process and one day carrot and potato wake up to realize they are not who they were when they started. This is where the serious conflict usually starts. Carrot says to potato, "You are not who I once knew, you are totally different now." Personal growth has occurred and conflict can ensue.

It is my contention that when this change/growth within participants occurs it is precisely because the marriage WORKED. It was successful. It deepened you. It succeeded in bringing you to your next evolution and growth place and stands as testimony to the sheer power of marriage. I have so many clients start their session off by telling me about their past "failed" marriages that I want to stop them and say, "wait a minute, are you saying the only test of the value of a marriage is that it lasted until you died?" "Is there any other value in marriage other than its longevity?" How about spiritual or psychological maturation? How about bringing children to life and the lessons that brings? How about simply becoming more of who you are in life? All of these things are valuable, from my perspective, far beyond how long your marriage lasted. There are no failed marriages in my perception because they all contribute in some way to our learning about life, ourselves and relationship and are therefore invaluable to our soul's growth. All of that psychological, spiritual learning and growth trumps longevity in my book. "We grew apart" is the common line because we never know who we are going to be as we walk the relationship road with someone we love.


So what about divorce? There are many possible reasons, but divorce can simply result from a couple choosing not to re-contract with their newly evolved selves. Divorce is not relational failure, it is simply a change of the relational contract because rarely do divorces end the relationship totally, much to many couples' dismay. You may choose to live apart from each other, but you are still in relationship and still influencing each other's lives and decisions way after the legal and physical separation. Those of you who have had bitter divorces know what I am talking about. The spouse is STILL a part of your psychology even when you haven't seen them for years let alone sharing child custody each week.

By my definition, a marriage could only have failed if the people in it never learned one thing because of it, and I have yet to find that marriage. So I would have to say to that 20+ year Hollywood marriage that is re-contracting by divorce: I know this separation will be painful for a while, and at some point later in the future you will see the gift this relationship has given to you. The marriage was successful, and now you begin your new relationship with each other and the rest of the world.

Relationships are the most difficult Yoga of all.

(For further discussion of this topic please see Fundamental Five in my book)

The Blind Side

An apt title for this piece and an homage to Sandra Bullock's Academy Award for her part in a lovely movie. The Blind Side I am referring to is the one where managers are dealing with an employee who cannot seem to follow certain simple instructions/requests. These can be rules or protocols that are necessary for smooth office efficiency or more detailed protocols that are usually followed, but are now lagging or being forgotten. I am now going to share my worst/best moment as a manager.

I once had a counselor working for me who I had known for several years and got along with grandly. My managerial style was very informal and more of a collegial supporting rather than a "I'm the boss so do it" approach. Being in a psychotherapeutic milieu with recovering addicts made for a very different management atmosphere and allowed a much more "emotions heavy" tone between workers than one would normally see in a corporate setting. We dealt with patients feelings all day and we openly expressed our emotions to each other all day every day---it was necessary to keep your sanity in that kind of milieu. It was a very "in the mud with each other" atmosphere and we all accepted that.

One week in our regular patient staffing, I had asked this counselor to get one of his patients to complete a task necessary to move that patient toward graduating the program. He assured me he would. The next week it was not done. I repeated the importance of getting this task finished and I was again assured it would be done the next day. The next day I checked back with him and the counselor had not talked to the patient. "You realize we are just stuck here until this is done right?" I said to the nodding counselor, "Get it done by tomorrow." I was losing my temper for the first time in my managerial career and my voice reflected it. The next day at staffing I waited until the very end to ask the counselor the big question "Is it done?" expecting him to say yes and have all the rest of the staff cheer that the whole thing was finally over. Staffing ends, I ask the question, I get silence. "Let's meet in my office," I say calmly, but furious inside. It was so simple a task that I was furious that it had repeatedly not been done. We got to my office and I am not proud of myself in the least. I yelled at the top of my voice, "What the heck is wrong with you!?" I repeated this line four times in the same volume. I continued. "I ask you a simple request for two weeks now and you cannot get it done?" "What can I do here to get you to do what you say you will do?" I have never before or since yelled at an employee and I was actually yelling. I then blurted out a line before it was ever used in a movie showing my absolute desperation in the moment, "Help me here....what can I do....help me help YOU!" (I am sure some writer of Jerry Maguire overheard this exchange, but I cannot prove it) It felt very clever in the moment and true to my emotion. I fell into my chair, frustrated at the situation and embarrassed by my outburst. He knew I had never yelled at anyone before and we avoided eye contact. I apologized. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do and don't know how something this trivial has turned into something this big between us." We both stared at the floor for a while.

At this point, something amazing happened. He looked up at me and said, "I know...I know what happened." There were tears in his eyes. "I have been a counselor for fifteen years working with adolescents and having to deal with their anger and rebellion. I thought working with adults would be easier because they were less rebellious. When I felt resistance from my patient to get this task done, I buckled. I realize now that I made a decision not to push this guy to get his work done because I am tired of it, tired of it all!" His voice flared in anger. "I have done this stuff all my life, pushing and pushing people to do what is right, but being pushed back by them in defiance...I'm just sick of it!" The tears flowed more easily as his face got redder and his voice both angry and dejected. He looked at me straight in the eyes, "I'm just sick of it, Kevin, I can't do this anymore."

I was watching a huge awakening before my very eyes. We sat there together silent, both aware of the magnitude of what had just transpired. He continued, "I have money, I am just doing this to keep in the field, but I don't want to do it anymore." He stood up, we hugged in a long embrace, and he walked out. I sat back down stunned at what had just happened.

The next day, he came into my office. I apologized for my outburst again and he said, "No, no it was good that you did it. It was what I needed to jar me out of my head. I sat there asking myself, 'why', 'what is wrong with me'?" He told me that after a night of thinking it over he was resigning, but would stay until I got someone hired to replace him. He realized that he hated what he was doing after 15 years and wanted to do something else---anything else. Before he stood up to leave he said, "You know I would not have realized what I did if you hadn't yelled like you did." I still felt bad about it.

So there we are, my worst/best moment as a manager. What did I take from the experience? I realize there is a blind side in everyone, but as a manager we wish it were left at home from 9-5. As managers though, we have to deal with these blind sides in our employees from time to time. They can take the form of something simple as gum smacking or incessant pencil tapping, or move into more problematic areas such as repeatedly doing or missing something that disrupts the work day. Whenever an employee repeatedly makes the exact same mistake over and over again managers often scratch their head as to why this is happening.

I have one client who cannot get his employees to stop overbooking his morning appointments. It gets better for a week or so and then BAM overbooked again and repeatedly. Nothing seemed to get through to the office assistant for long. It is in these cases that managers need to know they are dealing with a "blind side" of an employee. Their subconscious takes over for some reason and rules/protocols are totally forgotten. Of course one has to rule out overt sabotage and the cases where the task is beyond the employee's skill set, but once those are ruled out we are back to the "blind side".

Interestingly, after interviewing the assistant, I was able to glean that the problem was her inability to say no to an angry tone of voice over the phone. She would schedule people efficiently until someone got angry at not getting an immediate appointment and raised their voice over the phone. As this happens all too frequently these days, she would invariably jam the person into the over crowded schedule anyway rather than stand her ground and schedule it the next day. The angry tone on the phone in the moment shut off her rational thinking, and she did anything she could to appease the person resulting in repeated schedule overbookings and anger from her boss. Talking about this in a collaborative, problem solving manner got the underlying blind side out into the light allowing a solution to be found for a seemingly inexplicable situation. Our solution was to have her transfer the angry person to her manager immediately so that she was taken out of the loop and her manager could handle it because she had no problem holding a line with angry people. Work problem solved.

Obviously in my own example, I was dealing with a seasoned therapist whose whole life was dedicated to searching out and explaining people's unconscious material, so his blind side was handed to me on a silver platter. Thank heaven for that because I had no idea why such a simple task was not getting done. My point here is that sometimes, even in the workplace, an employee's psychological material can get in the way of getting their job done effectively, and the only way around it is THROUGH it. Psychological exploration is the only way to get a grip on our blind sides. Thank heaven for coaches!

Betrayal as a Badge of Honor

Throughout the years I have had many clients, personal and executive, who were dealing with a devastating betrayal by someone close to them. Whether it was a business partner or a close friend or associate, they always described themselves as "blindsided", and that is what made the act particularly devastating. The initial shock, it seems, lasts longer than one would expect as the person keeps running over and over in their head the events leading up to the betrayal. They are often admonished by friends to "let it go" and move on, but for some reason that is difficult to do for most in this situation.

Why is this? Why do we take so much time and mental energy running the events over and over in our heads for weeks or months after the event is over? Part of the reason is because we may be constantly dealing with some aftermath consequence of the betrayal when another new fact or event materializes that we have to adjust to in some way. But even after the aftershocks subside, we often ruminate mentally, not knowing why we can't just shake it off.

I want to propose something rarely talked about because it seems too callous to discuss by most standards. I believe that it is precisely because this point is NOT discussed that the mental rumination goes on too long for most of us.
I propose that what makes these betrayals so hard to shake is the fact that we ALWAYS saw some signs this person was untrustworthy in some way--always--and this nagging subliminal realization silently feeds the common feelings of "how could I be so stupid" and "how could I have let this happen".
Sounds harsh, huh, but it is true.

They were small things, always small things, but little hints were probably there and they showed their tiny faces to us and we wrote them off each time as inconsequential. Maybe it was a passing comment that showed an insensitivity to someone, or an act of casual cruelty or dishonesty. Maybe it was a seemingly uncharacteristic act that seemed totally unlike how you believed them to be, small or large, it doesn't matter, you saw it and probably on several different occasions.
We wrote off each of these micro-events as "nothing" at the time, but later after the betrayal they all seem to fall into place like a jigsaw puzzle. I believe that it is the pain of realizing that we did see something and ignored it that prolongs our agony. This statement could evoke an anger response, and it is the reason I do not present it early in sessions because the emotional grieving/rage at the betrayal is a necessary and important phase. But after enough time has passed, and the people themselves ask why they can't stop ruminating, that is the time to deal with this aspect of the process of release. Once we can admit to ourselves, however humiliating or painful it can be, that we actually did see signs that were tiny red flags of this person's capacity to betray us, we can move out of ruminating and into wholeness again.

Once we can acknowledge that we actually did have a hint of the potential problem, we no longer have to feel as vulnerable to the same event happening again. The "total victim" mentality diminishes and an empowerment arises. We realize that we could pay attention to the flags in the future, and therefore need not be overwhelmed by the very real seeming possibility that it could happen the same way again. We will always carry the scar of the event, but in our trudging onward we will never be as naive. Betrayal, we find, initiates us into a deeper, more mature psychology that will serve us in many different ways in the future. Our scars serve as our badges of honor.

What works best: Fists or Honey?

Once I've made a connection with a client, we often stay in touch over a period of years with the occasional "booster shot" session in between when something difficult comes up. One particular client I have worked with, off and on, for over fifteen years. He has changed a lot over the time from the proverbial hard-ass, no nonsense manager to a more caring and approachable "human being". He said to me the other day,"I'll tell you the truth, I'm not sure I like what I have turned into. It's not that I want to go back to my old ways with employees, but I'll tell ya, they seem to be all over me these days wanting this or wanting that or crying when they don't get their way and stuff. This NEVER happened to me in the past, they never came to me with unusual vacation requests or time off and it seems they do it ALL the time now. I've gone soft and I am paying for it but good now!"

It's an interesting situation really. When he was a hard-ass his employees were too afraid to approach him and now that he is more accessible, he deals with issues he never would have before. Unfortunately if we are willing to leave our solitary confinement cells and engage the world, which only a minority of people really do in their lives, we are asked to become more vulnerable to others' vulnerabilities. That means we have to become more solid in ourselves and more proficient in our ability to manage others. Employees unconsciously project their parental needs onto managers and that means when they feel undernourished in their lives at times, they will come with unreasonable requests to either get some nourishment ("I am special because you broke the rules for me") or get negative confirmation ("Your refusal proves I am unlovable").

The important place as a manager is not to cave to the onslaught of unreasonability because once one employee sees a rule broken for another, they too could approach you with a "special" request to prove they are "special" also.

In truth, the issue is not between "fists" (no special requests!) or "honey" (anything you want, dear), the issue is consistency. Consistency, we know, establishes boundaries and thus safety for the regressive psychological places we can all fall into when our lives as a whole turn chaotic and we look to our boss to make us feel better. My client's newly developed approachability only made him an easier target for such requests. The good news about the trouble of having to deal with these employee issues is that it allows this manager to forge a much deeper connection and therefore higher loyalty from his employees because he "got in the mud" with them. This works on both the conscious and unconscious level and is truly worth the annoyance in the long run---though that is hard to convince folks of initially.
(For further discussion of this principle see Fundamental One in my book)

"Manager" or "Steward of Souls"?

I had an executive manager say to me recently, "Kevin, I just want these people to do their jobs and leave me alone---they got me dealing with their marriages, divorces, kid's problems, everything. Just do your jobs and leave me alone!" After a bit of laughter we paused in silence both probably thinking the same thing: What are we really doing here?
I used to think managing people was more of a transactional experience: I do this so you can do that and we are all finished at the end of the day, NEXT! I now realize there is something much more important going on here, but it is only available to those who are able to move out of their everyday transactions and enter the larger picture---dare I say the "transcendent" picture of management. By this I simply mean that as an employer you have the possibility of experiencing something beyond the every day task orientation of your work world.

All I want to say for now is that I answered my clients statement by saying, "You thought you were just here to hire employees and get a job done and then one day you woke up and found out you were really a steward of souls."

He laughed and then went silent. "Yea," he said, "I think I know what you mean."

(For further discussion of this topic see Fundamental Three in my book)

It's HARD out there for a Manager!

An issue that comes up repeatedly with my clients is the difficulty of managing people. There are so many layers to this issue I just want to touch on a couple of points. Once our corporate culture allowed people to address each other by their first names instead of by Mr. and Mrs/Ms. so and so, corporate "professionalism" began its decay. Many people do not even remember a time when employees address their bosses by Mr. or Ms., but it was the expected behavior---watch Mad Men on T.V. to see how it used to be. Why I say this is complex to explain, but suffice it to say once there is no separation between our business self and our casual self then the psychology we present when we come to work is not different than our home/personal psychology. This loss of boundary, exemplified by using first names between workers, means there is no filter between how I treat/react to my friends and how I treat/react to my boss/client (remember we also addressed our clients as Mr. or Ms. too). This means there is no environmental filter for our worst or most regressive behaviors. "Leave your personal issues at home" was the mantra in our corporate past. It was not that this was always possible to have done in reality, it just meant there was an expectation to put work/client first and leave personal issues/needs/quirks at home. That expectation alone gave at least a filter for much of the dysfunctional, aggressive or regressive behaviors we deal with these days in co-workers on a daily basis. It is HARD out there for managers precisely because there is no expectation of a higher level of psychological operation than what one does when they are at home with friends.

So where does that leave us? That means we are now as managers having to deal more readily with every unaddressed childhood psychological pattern an employee has to offer because as a manager, you are now the unconscious, parental projection screen.
Sound fun? It ain't. Let me add here this also goes both ways because managers are throwing their own unresolved authority material onto their employees also---but that is another article.

Now you see why blending psychology/counseling and business will soon be no longer a luxury, but an imperative.
It's just HARD out there!
(For a deeper explanation please see Fundamental Eight in my book)

Me, write a book?!

I should start by explaining how this book got written. Many years ago I got together with colleagues after work to talk about our day. At some point during the conversation somebody would tell a story about the "crazy" thing someone did that really hurt or angered them due to the "off the wall" nature of it. "Oh they didn't mean it" or "Oh they probably weren't thinking" was the common response from the group in an attempt to comfort the person. My reaction was to use humor to soothe and I would throw out some one liner with the attitude of "but of course they did this because everyone always...." followed by a statement of seeming fact. The brashness of it always got a laugh, but then I was challenged to prove it. After a lengthy, albeit impromptu, explanation there was often stunned silence. "That makes sense somehow" became the usual reaction by the group. Soon it became expected that I could come up with some one-liner for EVERY hurtful conflict that came up and I grandiosely continued to take on the challenge. Of course it did not always work, but I was up for the task. Eventually nine of these aphorisms stood the test of time and became multi-layered and applicable to several levels of the conflicts they represented. What started out as a humorous challenge turned into a serious book---with the funny included, of course.
That is how I wrote a book.

Let's get this Party started!

When I first heard about bloggers I thought it sounded ridiculous and vowed never to participate in such a thing. Humble pie, I've since found, is a wonderful dish on occasion. I've realized since that time that there could be value in putting up some issue oriented pieces and allow whoever finds them to either ignore or attend to the material. I do what I do and the readers take it or leave it---all this a fancy way to say welcome to my blog.
I intend to write some articles on topics I am working on with clients (with their permission of course) and allow a forum for some Q&A from others who have an issue in their personal/professional life they might like me to address some part of. So go ahead and "Ask Coach Kevin" and maybe I will have something to add to your situation.