Killing the Bunny

There is a story about a Buddhist monk who wanted to teach his advanced students the true meaning of Compassion and gave each of the students a baby bunny to take care of for a year. After the year was over he told them to follow his orders without question and do exactly as they were instructed: "Go to a secret place where no one can see you, kill your bunny with a compassionate heart, and bring the carcass back to me." Many hours later, one of the students returned to find the other students sobbing over their dead bunnies as they handed them to their master. The student handed his bunny to the master. The master said, "This bunny is still alive, why did you not follow my orders as instructed?" The student replied, "I did, I did exactly as you said. I took the bunny to many different secret places, but no matter where I took him, he could see me."

Several years ago I had a client who was describing a relationship problem with his partner that he felt was unsolvable. He explained that his partner of two years had turned into a monster and was regularly verbally abusing him among other things including taking money at times without permission. He had spoken to him many times already about these issues, but to no avail, he just kept doing the same problematic things. "I want to break up with him," he said, "but I don't think I can." "Why not?" I asked. "Because every one of our mutual friends loves him and thinks he is just the sweetest thing." I recognized the problem immediately and said almost under my breath, "No one wants to kill the bunny."


There is an interesting phenomenon in both personal relationships and the workplace that I have encountered that I call the "bunny" syndrome. It involves people who present as kind and sweet, like a little bunny, but are really very devious and cruel or the opposite of how they look to those who do not know them well. Family members often experience this when friends meet some of their family members for the first time and comment on how "nice" they are only to be corrected by the knowing statement: "Wait till you get to know them for a while." In the workplace it is often a phenomenon that involves a sub-par worker who ingratiates himself with the boss by running errands for them or buying them little office goodies all the time. The co-workers will often grouse about how little work this employee does, but has the boss wrapped around their finger somehow. In personal relationships the "bunny" syndrome takes the form of any relationship partner that from the outside looks picture perfect, but is truly the opposite in nature when the light of privacy shines through. How does one publicly end a relationship with someone that everyone else thinks is "soooo sweet?"

No one wants to kill the bunny. And why would you? Everyone will think you are so cruel or mean or ungrateful for ending the relationship. You will be the one that looks bad and mean to the others who do not know the truth. Often the "bunny" in question knows this fact and will often pour on the sugar in front of friends when there is conflict in the relationship just to remind you how much other people love them. Sub-par worker "bunnies" will spend long patches of time avoiding their own work, but will bend over backwards for the boss to continue to ingratiate themselves toward a safe "favorite" status.  This "favorite" status often keeps them safe from the list of possible layoffs. Sometimes bunny behavior is done subtly. I know of one employee who called their boss, "honey", so as to confer to those listening of her "favorite" status. "You can't touch me," they seem to say, "cuz I'm the cute little, favorite bunny who is close enough to call the boss 'honey'."

How many people are brave enough to metaphorically kill the bunny by firing them or ending the relationship? Not many, and rarely quickly if at all. People put up with more problems than they are worth for too long because they don't want to look mean to those that do not know the truth about the person. I am sure this "bunny" appears in more places than one would think. High prestige relationships (namely the super rich) deal with this all the time as does Hollywood with their big name, famous stars who can turn out to be major jerks in their private life. How does one end a bad relationship with a famous person who is loved and respected in the public eye? Not easily. Ever get angry at someone for breaking up with your favorite Pop star singer or actor/actress without knowing the whole story? Remember how sure you were that the one who initiated the break-up seemed to be the jerk in the situation? That is the reflexive, protective reaction the bunny gets from people around them. They make sure that a sense of outrage and surprise is expressed by others so they can beg their way back using other's guilt to motivate the "killer" to change his mind. It is an especially tough situation when you are in a tight community such as Hollywood, politics or prestigious firms and need to keep up a good image to maintain your livelihood. Why look like the bad guy and bring on the scorn or rejection of others you need to work with? Even small towns can bring the hot, glaring spotlight of pressure: "You're not breaking up with the Homecoming Queen are you, she is sooooo sweeeeet?!" No one wants to kill the bunny, or for that matter, allow you to do it.

In short, learning to metaphorically kill the bunny and end dysfunctional relationships with seemingly "sweet" people means being true to what you know is true no matter what others believe. It means having the courage to say, "The emperor has no clothes," or "the bunny has no fur," or whatever the analogy calls for. It's harder than you think because public disapproval in any form is painful even, and especially, when you are right in ending it. There is a time when ending a bad relationship is the only answer, and in your case I hope it is not with a bunny, but do it anyway. Killing the bunny, then, is ultimately an act of integrity not cruelty. Your true friends will agree.