Different Types of Tears?

I have a friend that says such insightful things at times that I rarely forget them after he says them, the kind that just stick with you for some reason. As you may remember from my book I talk about how movies can pull emotions from me like no other medium. I was sitting around one night discussing movies with friends---particularly powerful scenes we remember--- and my friend says out of the blue, "Kevin cries at odd times in movies." Everyone in the room laughed as did I. It was such an insightful comment, but I had no idea what he was talking about. "I don't cry at odd times," I said laughing. "Yes you do," he said undaunted. I laughed again knowing he must be right, but feeling that vulnerable feeling only a good friend can give you by pegging some behavior you do. What did he mean? I asked him why he thought they were odd times. He thought for a moment looking at the ceiling, "Because they are not connected to moments that other people would cry at." I then remembered how my wife in the early days of our dating would suddenly ask me to pause a movie we were watching, turn to me in a genuinely perplexed way and ask, "Okay, now, why are you tearing up at this scene?" She asked from that wonderfully scientific place of curiosity that she has---genuinely interested, but perplexed as well.

So what was going on here? Why are these people reacting to me this way? Was I so different than other people? Then I remembered that most people think that when someone cries or tears up they must be sad. Tears are always from sadness aren't they? The answer is, "No." There are several kinds of tears, and you have probably experienced each of them without going through the process of analyzing them. I apparently do not have that luxury.

The next time you see someone crying, along with the obvious question, "Why are they crying," you might want to add a question, "What kind of tears are those?" Most people do not realize that there are several different kinds of tears so when you see someone crying, the immediate reflexive thought that they must be sad may not be accurate at all. There are a lot of different reasons for tears. Some of these tears can also be gender specific. Some women, for example, have a certain tear for anger and actually cry them when they get angry. Women are generally so socially trained against expressing anger openly that when they feel it they often cry instead of yelling or striking out like men do.

There are several kinds of tears other than sadness. There are also tears of pain and tears of frustration---these are the obvious ones, but did you know there are also tears of recognition? These tears appear when we see something we know deep in our bones. They sometimes come up in movies when we see an emotion we have felt deeply before or during a character's reaction that we have experienced similarly and deeply. We recognize the event or emotion and we just recognize it so deeply that it brings tears to our eyes. Those are tears of recognition.

There are tears of acceptance or resignation. These come about when we experience an inevitability, something we just know had to happen (positively or negatively) like the successful completion of a long mission or journey or the demise of a heinous criminal or bad guy.

There are tears of longing. Men often experience these during real life sports events and adventure movies because they see a great act of accomplishment they would love to have done themselves---the great act of heroism or the unbelievable play. Women often experience tears of longing in movies when they see an act of Love they wish they could experience. A woman once told me, "You have no idea what pain we go through during romance movies when we see a loving act happening on the screen that we know we will never have in our own relationship." That comment stuck with me.

There are tears of joy. These come when we witness someone's happiness or experience our own joy. These are the fun ones and are often accompanied with a beaming smile. These are the ones women often experience at weddings, so no more saying, "I don't know why I always cry at weddings."

So there are several other kinds of tears than just tears of sadness. What other ones do you know about that are not on this list? The next time you see someone crying or have tears of your own, ask yourself, "What kind of tears are these," you might be surprised. The next time a friend of yours cries at an "odd" time, take notice, you may have discovered another type of tear.

Can You Keep a Secret?

I once had the chance to know a ninety-year old mystic/healer who would occasionally work on me doing whatever she felt I needed. She was usually rather gruff in demeanor, but for some reason was sometimes softer with me than with others, which I wore like a badge of honor. One time before she started a session she looked at me and said, "You can keep a secret...yes, yes, you can. If someone told you a secret you could keep it couldn't you?" It was such a strange opening comment that I didn't know what to say as it didn't really ask for a response. That was twenty-two years ago and for some reason it has haunted me ever since. Yes, people have told me many secrets, and yes, I kept them, but for some reason I am periodically reminded of her comment. Why did she say that to me when she did? I kept thinking she was foretelling some big secret I would be told, but that was twenty-two years ago and no "big" secret.

So I thought recently, what kind of person keeps a secret and is it anything special? Do some people have a hard time keeping secrets while others do not? I was reminded of a "Seinfeld" episode about George's so called "vault" for secrets that everyone knew the combination to. I realized that the truth was that most people cannot keep secrets. Think about it. How many times have you told a friend a secret that got out anyway and the person said something to the effect of, "Well, I just told so and so, and they must have told..." So being able to keep a secret is rare. Why is that?

The answer relates back to Fundamental Four (power dynamics). Put simply: Knowing a secret carries within it a sense of power over others who do not know that secret, but one can only be recognized as having that power by telling someone else who does not know that secret. So only the most powerful/confident/secure people can keep secrets because they won't feel the need to advertise to others their newly acquired power by telling someone their secret. Since it is probably safe to say that we all have told secrets to others even when we swore we would not, it is interesting to track how strong your vault is these days. As teenagers, we are all probably at our worst because the power drive is at its highest during those years, but where are we these days?

Have you also noticed that the size of the secret matters? How it is easier to keep secret that Jane lies about her age, but someone having a secret affair is just too tasty to keep? Or that sometimes the secret is sooo juicy that you just have to tell someone while others are no big deal? So while the ability to keep a secret gives an insight into the psychology of a person, what about a city? Think about Hollywood or Washington and those places' lack of ability to keep secrets. What does that say about the collective esteem of the people there and their relationship to Power? Is it that they are genuinely more power hungry than other people or is it that they have the juiciest gossip that mere mortals cannot possibly sit on?

So keeping or telling secrets is all about Power. Do I have enough esteem to keep a secret or do I have to flaunt my power for others to see? Who do you know that can keep a secret? Are you sure? How about a really BIG one, one that just ACHES to be told? Can you keep a secret? How big of one? For how long?

I was once told I could keep a secret....am I up to the task?

The Secret Club

When I was in my twenties and hung around groups of men, I always noticed something for which, until recently, I had no explanation. Upon being introduced to each new group of men, I was always asked my age. I told them, and inevitably a few older guys in the group would look at each other and chuckle with a roll of their eyes. This happened so frequently that I eventually stopped thinking about it. It stopped years later and I would never have thought about it again, but something strange happened recently. The other day I was introduced to someone's son at a restaurant. Standing there with another male friend of mine, I asked his age. Asking this question so automatically gave me the first answer I had searched for long ago about why people always asked my age: It is because there is not much else to say when meeting a young stranger for the first time.

"Twenty three," he said proudly.

I looked at my male friend and laughed and said, "Twenty-three! That is Wonderful!" I unexpectedly felt genuine glee.

The kid looked puzzled, but smiled, and I continued laughing saying how great that was to my friend who also agreed we were witnessing something great before our eyes. That is when it hit me. Oh my God, my friend and I were doing the exact same thing the older men did to me when I was that age. It all came to me in a flash. I was now a part of something that has been going on forever.

Here is the deal: when you get older, usually past forty, you are immediately eligible to join a "secret club". Actual membership begins at the moment you ask someone younger than you their age and upon hearing it, feel this absolute joy for the person. This joy is caused by the fact that, having survived forty years or more of life yourself, you have experienced life's pain in a way that only people over forty understand, and before your very eyes is someone who hasn't really gotten the scars yet---relative freshness and innocence. Now, no one over twenty ever feels they have gotten off scot free in life so they would argue the point, but the forty-something knows better. They know that Life has not taken the bat to you yet, and are just happy to be around that essence, that relatively fresh state of being, again.

The "secret club" is not just for men either. I saw a female comedian talking to the audience and when one audience member said she was twenty-three years old, the comedian replied, "Oh my God that is adorable...you are just precious." You see, she is in the club.

The benefits of being in this club include a certain swagger related to accomplishment (not looks mind you, as those are fading way too fast for club members). This swagger is based on the fact that life has repeatedly taken "the bat" to us and yet we are still around. We withstood multiple beatings. We may not be much to look at, but we have a certain steadiness in our step that those not in the club THINK they have, but do not. They have not survived the amount of time, nor suffered the amount of beatings we have. Yes, they may have some bruises, but not the scars.

Club members also smile at each other differently than to others. It's a knowing smile, one that says,"Yep, we're making it, keep it up fellow member." There is also an arrogance we have that forces certain of our less polite members to tell younger people they don't know anything yet. It is a true statement, relatively speaking, but I find those members to be rude in bringing it up at all. All clubs, as you might guess, have their share of rude members, but it is their right to say it just the same. The greatest perk of being a member of this "secret club", though, is the fact that you absolutely have some useful knowledge to pass on to non-members. Of course, depending on the member, this knowledge can be less helpful or sometimes more, but every member definitely has something useful to pass on if you are lucky enough to receive it.

So next time you witness someone light up with joy when you tell them your age, know that you are in the presence of a member in good standing of the "secret club." Maybe they will pass on a secret or two...are you listening?

Exes and Ohhhs

I know I am probably unusual in this way, but I think about my past relationships regularly. It is either because I am reminded about some funny thing that happened, or I am reviewing a past incident that was unpleasant and thinking about how I would do it differently today. Believe me it is not as morbid as it might sound because I see my past relationships as mile markers to how far I have come in my personal growth. One of the big realizations I have had in the process is that...ready for it...I was actually insensitive and self-centered when I was younger. Pretty shocking huh? Yep, things that make me go, "ohhh" with my hand to my mouth. I am blessed/cursed with a memory that remembers so many "ohhh" moments that I have plenty of material to review for the rest of my life.

Lucky me.

What I find though is that reviewing my past relationships with all my exes allows me to be a better partner for my wife and a better friend to others because, I don't know if you are like this, but I screwed up with people in the past---a LOT! Hundreds of insensitive words and actions I did or said that would leave me a cringing ball of dough if I allowed them to flow over me without a break. I don't know how I have a memory like that, just lucky I guess.

But my point here is that if you are willing to let the memories of mistakes with your exes cause you "ohhh's" you can learn about yourself greatly in ways that are practical in your present life. For example, because I have remembered my past jealousies with friends where they succeeded in something and I would not acknowledge them directly, I have become much more verbally acknowledging of people's accomplishments these days. The difficulty most people have with this action also landed it as a fundamental in my book.

As I look at my exes, though, through the years, my biggest regret was my inability to express affection to them. I realize that I could give them a lot of attention in many ways, but I could not verbally express the warmth and appreciation that I felt toward them. It is easy to say that I was just a kid back then, but this continued into my thirties. The "ohhh's" of my exes could fill a large room. So I just have to live with the memories of things unexpressed, and commit to act differently with my present relationships on a daily basis. So for me at least, I have greatly benefited from reviewing my past relationships and allowing the "ohhh's" to wash over me in regret. It protects me from letting too long go by without expressing those words in my present relationships that I lacked the courage to express in the past.

Try it sometime. Think about how you were in your past relationships and see if you are doing anything better these days. If you aren't doing something better now, change it. Be the person now you wish you could have been in the past. You would be surprised at the level of healing and relief you will feel when you do. Maybe you can turn a past "Oh" of pain into a present "Oh" of ecstacy.

Why People Are Mean

We have all dealt with them throughout our entire lives. When we are children we call them "bullies", and when we are teenagers we just call them "meanies". As adults we call them "***holes", but the truth is, some people in our lives are just plain mean. They are hopefully not a part of our family, though most of us have at least one of them somewhere in the old tree. They are often bosses, neighbors, in laws, etc... we all have them and we just have to deal with them. But why are they like that? What makes them so...well...mean?

The reason is surprising to many and can be boiled down to one word: Fear. In my book, the first Fundamental is "Everyone is terrified..." and I made it Fundamental one because most people live much of their emotional lives reacting to one or another of their own fears. Simply put: mean people are the most terrified people in the world. They experience the world from a lens of Fear and react accordingly. Every action they experience is processed through an emotional software that fearfully sees the world as "doing something bad to them." Sadly, every action they witness is put through this software. They fear that in every action they experience somebody might be taking advantage or insulting them in some way. From their perspective, you are not simply changing lanes in traffic, you are "disrespecting me." You are not inquiring about something, you are "interrogating me, not trusting me, why are you asking me about that?!" You are not offering to help me, you are "saying I didn't know that already," or "calling me stupid or something." These people are so terrified inside there are very few things you can do around them that do not evoke an anger response. That is why they stand out so much to everyone around them. The usual reaction by those around them when they defensively lash out is a stunned silence. There is this blank stare and pause you give them while your brain frantically tries to wrap itself around why your innocent behavior caused such a crazy reaction from them.

You see, when you are really scared by something, your emotions turn primal---the fight or flight response. Why animals are the most scared and dangerous when they are cornered is because they fear for their survival and will lash out brutally to protect themselves. Think of mean people as continuously cornered animals and you will understand why they react to everything in such a vicious (mean) way. Their fear is not so much physical survival, but emotional survival. They are constantly trying to overcome/disprove their own inner, vicious self-critical voice that is consistently berating them about being stupid, unloved, ugly, incompetent, hated, useless, alone, stupid (gotta say that one at least twice), fat, unappreciated, and any other endless litany of horrible things their inner critical voice literally says to them on a moment by moment basis. If you ask these people (which you wouldn't for obvious reasons) what their inner critic says to them, they would say they did not know. They would be telling you the truth because they are so accustomed to the horrible things they've heard in their head for so many years that they are literally no longer aware of them. They still hear the insults, but they are no longer conscious of them. The insults are like "white noise" in their head in the background, streaming straight to the unconscious with no barrier at all. They are terrified that these cruel words are true because they have ingrained them into themselves for so long. So every action you do around them is drawn to their awareness through that critical cloth, your actions or words approach their perception heavily draped with all of their own negative thoughts. No wonder the most innocent actions or words appear to them as some kind of attack by you when they are covered with such critical, emotional muck.

Could you find compassion for someone experiencing the world every single moment like that? Maybe not because their anger and meanness seems so disconnected from anything you did that it just seems unjustifiably mean and overblown. Oh well, at least now you know why they are the way they are. Be glad your own fears and self criticisms are much less intense than theirs are or you would be just like them, endlessly lashing out at imagined, attacking windmills. So don't be too hard on mean people once you get over their crazy reactions, the emotional world in which they live is much harder on them already.

Technology And The Lost Power Of Attention

I was at a book signing/discussion group recently and the topic of texting came up related to one of the Fundamentals in my book: "Genuine Interest In and Attention to Others is a Rare Commodity." Believe it or not, I wrote this section of the book several years before texting even existed, but it certainly applies to the newest, negative byproduct of technology.

All of our techno-gadgets have turned us into the generation of partial attention. We can only partially concentrate on conversations with the people around us because we are so busy texting or answering our cellphones. We only have an attention span of about five to ten minutes for any one interaction before our attention is drawn away by another ringtone or text. The ability to give or receive attention from another for any length of time is becoming lost in the shuffle of our technology laden lives. Even at restaurants you can watch groups of diners with only half of the table engaged in conversation while the other half is texting silently under the table, eyes seemingly fixed on the floor, oblivious to those around them. Here is the problem: The power of giving someone our full attention, an essential ingredient for human connection, is being lost. Even on the phone we are usually talking while driving or doing something else, unable to give even the phone conversation our full attention.

Can you remember the last time someone gave you their undivided, face to face attention without interruption for any length of time? Can you remember the feeling you had when you did get that kind of undivided attention? At the discussion group many people nodded in remembrance of the "emotional embrace" one feels when they are given someone's undivided attention. It is becoming a lost commodity. Attention is as necessary as air for us humans, and as a therapist, I am constantly reminded of the powerful effect attention (or lack of it) has on relationships. The complaint, "you never listen to me," and, "you don't pay attention to my needs anymore," are statements I hear most often in couple's therapy. Sadly, while we all crave attention, we are also rarely able to give it to even our closest friends. As I describe at length in my book, we are all too busy filling our own needs to attend to others. All this is occurring within all of us even before we get our first cellphone. It seems to only get worse after that.

Quantum physics is proving to us that focusing attention on anything changes that thing in observable ways, an influence we are only beginning to scientifically understand and measure. And yet, just as we are more capable of physically measuring the effects attention has on people and things, we seem even less capable of giving it to each other. I honestly believe there is a magical effect from receiving someone's attention, and anyone who has had someone's face to face, uninterrupted, full attention for a period of time knows what that magic feels like. I hope you have a chance to experience this rarest of commodities sometime in your life.

It's ALL My Fault!

I have a friend who was going through a painful divorce recently and a common theme appeared that I have seen many times before. It is very common for one partner to feel as if they have no responsibility for a divorce occurring. "It's all your fault," is the phrase often heard by one of the partners and one of the the worst sounds for a therapist to hear because if counseling has a chance, it has to be engaged in with a belief that both parties have something they can improve in themselves to help the marriage continue. My friend was upset because his wife would not enter marriage therapy because she felt she had no responsibility for the souring of the marriage. He felt they both had pieces to work on, but she felt that because he was the one who was unhappy, it was his problem, and basically told him as much. At the end of a long discussion he asked me earnestly, "Bottom line, what would it take for her to not just attend therapy, but to change as a person, and I mean totally?"

It was a bold question on his part. It was asking for the key to total personal change. My response was just as bold.

"She would have to be willing to go to the extreme opposite pole and say, It's ALL my fault, and I am going to work on it. She would have to be willing to take ALL the responsibility for her to even be willing to look at anything, and that of course is impossible for her now."

He was surprised at my answer. You might be too. Let me explain.

I learned this from another friend's separation where the woman involved found out that her husband wanted a trial separation. He told her he wanted to separate to see if he wanted to continue the marriage and she said to herself in response: "Well I had better assume this is my entire responsibility and change what I am doing because even if he doesn't come back I need to know where I contributed so this doesn't happen again for me."

Pretty bold statement, huh? She of course knew she was not totally responsible for the problems (which is true), but she was WILLING to take total responsibility to leave no stone unturned in solving it. She was so motivated to change, she took 100% blame without any defense. She did not care about sparing her own ego, she only cared about changing her part and was so motivated to do so, she did not bother with her husband's part in it all---that was his business. She knew what she needed to do for herself.

Now let me say right now, this was not the same as another situation where a low self esteem partner feels they are always to blame for a relationship's problems, that is just a case of low self esteem. This was a case where a high esteemed person decided to put the ego aside for a while and tackle EVERYTHING. That kind of courage is rare. She knew her husband had his part, but didn't want to dwell on that so that everything could be reviewed with equal intensity. This focus of attention allowed everything to be scrutinized without the ego getting in the way.

So for my friend's wife to totally change as a person, it would take an equally extreme, but opposite approach, than the one she was taking. Naturally she was not going to do that in her bitterly defended state, but that is the extreme psychological willingness it would take for her to totally change. Of course, it did not happen and the marriage dissolved.

As we all know, most of us are somewhere in between on this question of responsibility. Most of us are willing to admit at least some portion of responsibility for our relationship problems, but I learned something important from my friend. For me to get to the most rigorously honest and scouring truth about myself, I have to be willing to take 100% responsibility for any problem. This willingness says that I care more about finding a solution than sparing my ego. It says in essence, "Since I alone take total responsibility for this problem, I can by that willingness not only leave no aspect unturned and reviewed, but also make myself the agent of change. I can only change in myself, what I can own in myself.

How many people are willing to commit to that effort? We always soothe our ego, by saying, "Well at least 50% is their fault so I don't have to look at everything." Sometimes it is in the places we never thought to look that we find the gold within ourselves. For however much I am willing to take responsibility is how much I can change in my life and in my relationships. My friend modeled that for me. Of course it is not all her fault. That is a given. But her willingness to take it ALL on meant she invested in total rigorous self-analysis over self-pride.

She was rewarded by her bravery of course. Her marriage was not only saved, but it flourished to levels she had never experienced in a relationship before. So much so that a woman years later approached her at a party and asked: "How long have you and your husband been together?"
"Fourteen years," she replied.
"I hope I can find a relationship with as much love in it as you two have after fourteen years."

So how many of us are willing to take that same leap of courage and take 100% responsibility for a problem without assigning blame to anybody else? How long could you even maintain such a stance? Could you hold that viewpoint for at least a week, a day, an hour, how about at all? What would such an unflinching review uncover that would not have been seen without that level of fearlessness? It is said about approaching a crisis, "Forget the blame, solve the problem." She already took the blame off the table and committed to the solution.

How many of us are that fearless?

Charlie Sheen And The Compassion Factory

"I have tiger blood." "I have Adonis DNA." "The normal mind cannot understand me." "I am a freakin' rock star from Mars." "I always have a plan that I execute perfectly." "I am a winner among fools." These are just a few of the jewels from Charlie Sheen's twenty-four hour, television interview binge attempting to prove that he is definitely "special," but sober.

In my book, Fundamental 2 states, "No one wants you to succeed too well or fail too badly," and oddly enough, Charlie Sheen's behavior last night may have strangely fallen into both categories. My heart went out to him. Watching him exhibit behavior last night that could reflect the manic pole of the bipolar spectrum was heart wrenching for anyone who understood what they were seeing. It was the picture of a man out of control and incapable of clear thought or introspection. If you missed it, I am sure it will be re-played for the next ten years as a warning to all that this too could happen to a loved one of yours, and here is what it looks like in the late stages of its misery.

My own father was bi-polar, and my brother died smack in the middle of a cocaine fueled binge---dead before he hit the ground---so I know the pain such behavior can caused loved ones as they watch it play itself out. One interviewer asked him what he felt about those around him who were worried about his self-destructive drug and prostitute fueled binges and violent behavior. He kept saying, "They don't know me." Well, maybe not, but the behavior is boringly diagnostic of a multi-layered problem that actually is also boringly treatable. Emphasis on the word "boring" because to get treatment means he has to come down from gloriously exciting Mars and join the rest of us on this sometimes boring planet we call Earth. Last night, Charlie looked extremely disinterested in such a demotion.

I pray that I am wrong here, but I felt I was looking at the last chapter of someone's life. A needless and boringly predictable ending to another bright light on this often dully lit planet. My brother was another of those bright lights, but no amount of outreached hands could catch him because he, like Charlie, was flying too bright, too fast. My heart and prayers go out to his family for they are all in pain right now. It is one thing to watch this play out privately as I did, but it's another thing altogether to watch it blasted on national television-----your Family Crest repeatedly blown out of a t-shirt cannon into an anonymous, clamoring audience.

Charlie's father, Martin Sheen, made famous by his role as the president in the "West Wing," was asked what was the next step after years of trying to help his son fight the demons he too fought in his own life. His reply: "Learn to love, that much more."

A daunting task for all of us.

No One Who Is Real Is Boring

I forget who wrote this, but a famous socialite who threw the A+ parties at the time would always write at the end of her immaculately printed invitations this line: "And remember, no one who is real is boring." I just love that. It is a wonderful reminder of the responsibility we should aspire to when we attend a friend's party or walk through our lives---don't be boring. It also reminds us of the fact that if we do not spend a lot of energy putting on false fronts and just be open to whoever and whatever we meet, we will avoid being boring. Easier said than done for most people of all ages because most of us struggle with what it means to be "real." If only we had a model for what that would look like.

I have found one.

There is a T.V. show called "An Idiot Abroad." In it, Ricky Gervais sends a man he describes as a total idiot around the world to see several great sites of the world. The Great Pyramids, the Taj Mahal, and The Great Wall are just a few he has shown to the man named Karl Pilkington, who is the supposed idiot of the show. I was reluctant to watch it because he had done an earlier show featuring Karl in conversations and Ricky would just laugh and insult him through out the show which was too painful for me to watch. I approached this new show with reluctant suspicion.

After watching several episodes, my take of the show was simply: I love Karl Pilkington. Karl is a 30ish, British man with an admittedly oddly shaped bald head, which makes him look slightly, well...odd, but I just absolutely adore this man and how he thinks and expresses himself. He is the farthest thing from an idiot, and he is definitely NOT boring. He is the model for "real." He simply experiences what is before him with absolute honesty and openness and has no pretense available to him much to his numerous host's dismay at times. As a dinner guest in the tent of a family in the desert, he was shown some of the raw animal parts being served for the meal. When offered a raw sheep eyeball and told not to insult his host he turned to the cameraman and whispered, "Well the problem is I gag really easily, and if I put that in my mouth and gagged, won't that be really worse for them to see me do that than if I just don't eat it, eh?" "That would kind of be worse don't you think because there is no way I can eat that thing." His approach and reaction to everything he sees is brilliantly real, honest, and direct. When he is forced to ride with Hare Krishnas in a bus who get out and dance whenever the bus stops in traffic he reluctantly joins and dances, but says to the camera man, "I know they think this brings happiness to others, all this dancing about, but what if I had my sick mum in an ambulance behind all this trying to get to the hospital...not so happy then, would you be? Isn't that right?"

He is the perfect model for what being "real" means: absolutely uncensored, well meaning, but sometimes stepping on toes as he reacts honestly. I also realized an interesting and rare trait: he never says anything that does not carry an emotion with it. He says nothing that is emotionally neutral. Everything he says carries a vibrancy of emotion whether it is anger, disgust, happiness, fear, embarrassment, whatever, everything he says feels alive. He is certainly never boring.

So why is this trait, this thing we call "real" so rare? Because to be real we have to be vulnerable to whatever comes our way and that is frightening (see Fundamental 1 in my book). Who wants to be vulnerable when we can (at least) appear powerful? We talk of our successes not our failures. We express our happiness in our relationships, not the thorns that are presently catching our shirts. We do not express our fears, and sometimes we can't even say we like a certain song for fear of ridicule by someone musically "smarter" than us. So we emotionally hunch over in our lives and express whatever we can with the hopes that we will appear all together and happy. It sometimes comes off as boring though.

I'm thinking about hosting an "idiot's" party soon. Wanna come? Can you not be boring? Think about that first.

"I'd Rather Be With Anyone Than Alone"

Let's face it, boiled down to it's basics, counseling people is mostly about helping people deal with their pain and unhappiness. Relationships are a common arena where many people experience pain and unhappiness. Let me talk about one belief, rarely discussed, that causes much pain in relationships. It's a belief that both causes people to enter the wrong kind of relationship, and to stay in a negative one for too long.

The one statement/belief that greatly contributes to prolonged unhappiness in many relationships, dating and marital, is: "I'd rather be with anyone than alone." This feeling is one of the most common statements I hear from people ages 15-60 regarding relationships in general. So how does this statement cause pain? To begin with, it implies that people would rather be in a relationship of any kind, unhappy or not, than be alone---that being alone is worse than being in a negative, unfulfilling relationship. This statement says, "I'll bear whatever negativity there is in my relationship, no matter how extreme, than be without one." I have found this to be a major contributor to the prolonged pain people endure in relationships.

There is always conflict in relationships over time, that is a given. But what we do with that conflict is the real crux to whether the relationship flourishes or decays. The next step in dealing with a conflict involves the couple's willingness to discuss and work on the issue, but even that is affected by this statement because if I am terrified of losing the relationship and being alone, I probably will be reluctant to even address the problem for fear that discussing it might cause a blow up and a break-up. It might be safer to ignore and just bear the problem. If I'd rather be with anyone than alone then I will probably ignore everything I am unhappy with in the relationship so as not to cause waves. This causes any love in the relationship to decay and resentments to build up. So this belief causes people to both initially ignore conflict, avoid problem solving, and ultimately resist leaving a relationship that is beyond resolution. Both actions prolong pain in relationship.

I rarely counsel teenagers, but recently I had a seventeen year old boy talking about the suffering his girlfriend at college puts him through. It was horrible to hear. She said every insulting and degrading thing she could to him whenever she felt he was not being a "good enough" boyfriend. She truly was unreasonable in her complaints of his talking to anyone else but her or wanting to do activities with his friends, but he simply took it and felt worse and worse over time. He only came to see me because his parents insisted I try to "talk some sense into him" and get him to leave this shrew of a girlfriend. When I asked why he stayed he said she was the first girl who showed interest in him, and he'd rather...well, you know. The other side of the coin is his girlfriend who would rather verbally abuse this guy three times a week and be in a constant state of frustration than find someone more suitable to her needs. She would rather beat a slow horse to death than risk looking for a faster one. Rather than ignore the conflict as many do, she went to the other extreme and frantically tried to emotionally "beat" the change into him. Both were unhappy, and both were too scared to move on. She talked about marrying him in a year. He said he saw no solution to her unreasonable demands and complaints, but would probably marry her.

This issue also affects whom we choose as a partner in the first place. It sets up an expectation that I have got to have someone/anyone around me at all times lest I feel the horrors of being alone. That means a dysfunctional person is better than no one. We can see this when people surround themselves with empty "frenemies" who take advantage of the relationship every chance they get, but are not helpful or supportive in any way. This belief also causes extremely negative relationships to continue for too long. What is it about being alone that makes so many of us choose continued unhappiness over it?

Everyone is terrified. I'll leave the discussion here for now...

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I have had several people this week come to me to ask, "what's up with that?" This question is a new phenomenon caused by the release of my book. You see, when you write a book called "Why Normal People Do Some Crazy Things," everyone expects answers about the crazy things they experience in their day. It is also a test along the lines of, "Okay Mr. Big Shot Smart Guy, explain this..." I actually enjoy it because it tests the range of my "Fundamentals." So this week was interesting because I got a couple of similar stories that involved friends who gave another friend something nice and got blasted shortly afterward by that same friend with something negative about the gift. One story was: friend number one needed money badly so friend number two gave her a portion of her dog walking job and let her keep the money. Friend number two called her back a couple of days later and blasted her about the inconvenience she had caused her because the dog walking job forced her to miss an event she wanted to attend. "I'll never dog walk for you again," she said hissing angrily. Wow! Friend number one gave her the job to help her out and that is the response she gets? This friend (actually a "frienemy") has done similar things like this in the past and this was the last straw for friend number one.

Second story: Friend number one gives another friend a barely worn $1,000 suit he had just grown out of . They were of similar build and as it was custom made to begin with, it needed only slight alterations to make it a perfect fit. Friend number two upon trying it on loved the suit but angrily protested the alterations: "Don't you realize the most expensive part of a suit is the alterations? Forget it!" Whatever that means, it didn't even make sense. He was just livid at the suggestion that he would have to spend maybe $80 to own a like-new custom $1,000 suit.

Wow again. What is going on here? The answer to this is simple and something generous people deal with often. When someone is generous by nature they are always looking to do things for other people. These are the rare people in our society, very low percentage in relation to the population at large. Generous people by nature are also recognized by those around them as just that, generous in spirit. This causes a resentment factor in people not generous in nature---people having low esteem. Low esteem people are rarely generous because they are usually angry at how the world/people/job/life screws them all the time. They never feel they have enough in the first place so they never feel they have enough to give something to others. The low esteem folks now are angry at the generous people because in their heart they know they are not like them and cannot be generous themselves so they have to try to denigrate what the generous people are giving or doing for others in order to lessen the "goodness" of the act. It is as if they are saying, "Since I do not do things for others like you do, I will belittle your act of kindness in any way I can." They may take the offered gift, but they will belittle it in some way. That way, you see, the act doesn't "count," therefore "you are no better than I am" (who doesn't give at all).

I once bought several friends a dinner at a nice restaurant and afterward several gave glowing praise and thanks. One friend was initially silent and later interrupted the praise with, "I don't know why you all make such a big deal about the dinner, he just bought it for us to show off." There was stunned silence. I could not believe he had said it at all, let alone so sneeringly angry in tone. That was my first taste of this issue as I had never noticed it before.

Years later I experienced this kind of reaction more and more, both from this friend and others. I realized it was the adult equivalent of a school child destroying something someone else had received praise for. We often see siblings do this when a parent praises one over the other. The low esteem person has to destroy or belittle the object of praise.

So for those of you out there trying to simply be kind to another, remember, no good deed goes unpunished (if a low esteem person can get their hands or words on it), and just keep doing your good works. We don't do it for praise or thanks anyway...well maybe we do sometimes...but just keep on doing it, and let the acts speak for themselves.

(Whispering) Also, you can put in your back pocket the knowledge that generosity is a sign of high esteem. Happy giving.