How Happy Is Your Marriage?

Doesn't it just seems rude to directly ask someone if they are happy in their marriage?  The reason we even ask this question is usually either because we are worried about them or are in relative disbelief that they could really be as happy as they seem. In fact, much of this curiosity and comparison stems around the fact that unless you are a counselor of some kind and see the inside of many relationships, you usually don't have any access to a happiness yardstick---you know, some kind of relative scale to measure how your own marital happiness compares to others. But BEFORE taking out your happiness yardstick, you need to first consider three important points that influence any measurements of marital happiness. Think of them as necessary prerequisite knowledge for a fuller understanding of any marital measurement.

There is no Perfect Marriage.
This may seem obvious at first, but you probably forgot how early on you most likely believed your marriage was going to be perfect. You may not have said it out loud, but I bet you secretly thought it in your head. This thought left your head after a little while and then probably cropped up again when things were not so perfect. Some people even feel a little guilty when they cannot live up to the wish. Nope, no perfect marriages exist so do not worry that yours has some mud on it. Everyone has issues they never saw coming and everyone has complaints about their partner's behavior that they, in the beginning, never imagined would appear. Just know this fact and relax when the next new irritant shows up because it probably will. "No perfect marriage" means that you are just slogging along like the rest of us in uncharted territories learning more about your self, your partner, and your emotions than you ever originally intended to learn. This learning occurs in all relationships, but it is laid on especially thick in marriage. Remember, "perfect" is the enemy of "good"...and also "pretty good".

Marriages have their Seasons.
Like all things in nature, marriages have seasons, emotional ones. For example, during the emotional Spring and Summer of a marriage things are bright, clear, blooming and beautiful. Most people love the springs and summers of their marriage, and by this I do not mean the actual weather seasons. I mean the metaphorical spring and summer months where there is a breezy easiness to the marriage and warmth prevails through all things you are going through together. Things just click through these phases, and sometimes it is just plain HOT (in a good way). The emotional Fall season in a marriage is when things naturally change (positively or negatively) due to time, maturation, and circumstances. Major changes, loss of friends or relatives, or rituals that are upset because of circumstances beyond your control are common Fall experiences. Things are not necessarily worse in the marriage during the Fall seasons, just different. Old friends move away, old activities change, where you eat, how often you vacation, any change that jumbles up the old habitual activities that were once thought to be a part of your permanent life. Then there are the emotional winters. These involve the times when there is a little coldness running through the marriage that was not there before, or an old "coolness" that is reoccurring due to some setback or friction in the marriage. Unresolved fights, angry exchanges that are not worked out, and life stresses from job or family can bring about a winter season in the marriage. Sometimes they are short, other times they can be very long and bitter. You will have winters in your marriage. There is no avoiding them. They are not much fun, but they are not a sign your marriage is over or irreparably damaged. They are just winters. They will eventually pass. Usually people believe during their first winter season in a marriage that there is something wrong with their marriage. This is not always true. It could just be a temporary "pulling-in", taking a little longer to get "warm" so do not over-evaluate or judge the state of your marriage negatively during these periods, just know this is simply a Winter and stay as warm as possible until it passes. Maybe even offer your spouse some extra warmth during this season.

Happiness is Greatly Overrated
Sounds weird doesn't it? Everybody wants to be happy, right? It is what we should be striving for, right? Maybe not. In our early years we found out the hard way that happiness was not always available when we wanted it. Christmases, birthdays and other special events often over time turned out to be let-downs and not the happiness generators they were in the beginning. Happiness became more fleeting as we got older and often we found that simply feeling content or peaceful during an event was much more attainable. Isn't this simple contentment and peace what we are truly striving for in life? Peace with our spouse and family and our careers? Most people that experience peaceful moments in their lives mislabel it "boredom". Nothing much is happening so it must be boredom. Peace is tranquil, still, quiet, and by definition, often silent. Since happiness in life is definitely not a constant and so fleeting, why are we striving so hard for it? For that matter, why are we measuring our marriage for it in the first place? Such is life, striving for the difficult to atain. So if you are still going to measure your marriage for it, at least consider that compared to Peace, Happiness is greatly overrated.

These three considerations give important perspective to the whole issue of marital happiness before any measurement begins. Without including these factors in any evaluation of marital happiness, one could easily and unnecessarily tilt their measurement to the negative. If you forget there are seasons in  marriage you might over-interpret one particular period you are going through. If you forget there is no perfect marriage, you might use an unrealistic yardstick that is too long or high. If you forget that happiness is greatly overrated, well hell, everyone forgets that, then you could easily not recognize that the supposed "boring" (thus unhappy) month you spent with your spouse was actually a month of Peace. Enjoy "boring" whenever you can in life, it's a gift.

Just some thoughts...