Different Types of Tears?

I have a friend that says such insightful things at times that I rarely forget them after he says them, the kind that just stick with you for some reason. As you may remember from my book I talk about how movies can pull emotions from me like no other medium. I was sitting around one night discussing movies with friends---particularly powerful scenes we remember--- and my friend says out of the blue, "Kevin cries at odd times in movies." Everyone in the room laughed as did I. It was such an insightful comment, but I had no idea what he was talking about. "I don't cry at odd times," I said laughing. "Yes you do," he said undaunted. I laughed again knowing he must be right, but feeling that vulnerable feeling only a good friend can give you by pegging some behavior you do. What did he mean? I asked him why he thought they were odd times. He thought for a moment looking at the ceiling, "Because they are not connected to moments that other people would cry at." I then remembered how my wife in the early days of our dating would suddenly ask me to pause a movie we were watching, turn to me in a genuinely perplexed way and ask, "Okay, now, why are you tearing up at this scene?" She asked from that wonderfully scientific place of curiosity that she has---genuinely interested, but perplexed as well.

So what was going on here? Why are these people reacting to me this way? Was I so different than other people? Then I remembered that most people think that when someone cries or tears up they must be sad. Tears are always from sadness aren't they? The answer is, "No." There are several kinds of tears, and you have probably experienced each of them without going through the process of analyzing them. I apparently do not have that luxury.

The next time you see someone crying, along with the obvious question, "Why are they crying," you might want to add a question, "What kind of tears are those?" Most people do not realize that there are several different kinds of tears so when you see someone crying, the immediate reflexive thought that they must be sad may not be accurate at all. There are a lot of different reasons for tears. Some of these tears can also be gender specific. Some women, for example, have a certain tear for anger and actually cry them when they get angry. Women are generally so socially trained against expressing anger openly that when they feel it they often cry instead of yelling or striking out like men do.

There are several kinds of tears other than sadness. There are also tears of pain and tears of frustration---these are the obvious ones, but did you know there are also tears of recognition? These tears appear when we see something we know deep in our bones. They sometimes come up in movies when we see an emotion we have felt deeply before or during a character's reaction that we have experienced similarly and deeply. We recognize the event or emotion and we just recognize it so deeply that it brings tears to our eyes. Those are tears of recognition.

There are tears of acceptance or resignation. These come about when we experience an inevitability, something we just know had to happen (positively or negatively) like the successful completion of a long mission or journey or the demise of a heinous criminal or bad guy.

There are tears of longing. Men often experience these during real life sports events and adventure movies because they see a great act of accomplishment they would love to have done themselves---the great act of heroism or the unbelievable play. Women often experience tears of longing in movies when they see an act of Love they wish they could experience. A woman once told me, "You have no idea what pain we go through during romance movies when we see a loving act happening on the screen that we know we will never have in our own relationship." That comment stuck with me.

There are tears of joy. These come when we witness someone's happiness or experience our own joy. These are the fun ones and are often accompanied with a beaming smile. These are the ones women often experience at weddings, so no more saying, "I don't know why I always cry at weddings."

So there are several other kinds of tears than just tears of sadness. What other ones do you know about that are not on this list? The next time you see someone crying or have tears of your own, ask yourself, "What kind of tears are these," you might be surprised. The next time a friend of yours cries at an "odd" time, take notice, you may have discovered another type of tear.

Can You Keep a Secret?

I once had the chance to know a ninety-year old mystic/healer who would occasionally work on me doing whatever she felt I needed. She was usually rather gruff in demeanor, but for some reason was sometimes softer with me than with others, which I wore like a badge of honor. One time before she started a session she looked at me and said, "You can keep a secret...yes, yes, you can. If someone told you a secret you could keep it couldn't you?" It was such a strange opening comment that I didn't know what to say as it didn't really ask for a response. That was twenty-two years ago and for some reason it has haunted me ever since. Yes, people have told me many secrets, and yes, I kept them, but for some reason I am periodically reminded of her comment. Why did she say that to me when she did? I kept thinking she was foretelling some big secret I would be told, but that was twenty-two years ago and no "big" secret.

So I thought recently, what kind of person keeps a secret and is it anything special? Do some people have a hard time keeping secrets while others do not? I was reminded of a "Seinfeld" episode about George's so called "vault" for secrets that everyone knew the combination to. I realized that the truth was that most people cannot keep secrets. Think about it. How many times have you told a friend a secret that got out anyway and the person said something to the effect of, "Well, I just told so and so, and they must have told..." So being able to keep a secret is rare. Why is that?

The answer relates back to Fundamental Four (power dynamics). Put simply: Knowing a secret carries within it a sense of power over others who do not know that secret, but one can only be recognized as having that power by telling someone else who does not know that secret. So only the most powerful/confident/secure people can keep secrets because they won't feel the need to advertise to others their newly acquired power by telling someone their secret. Since it is probably safe to say that we all have told secrets to others even when we swore we would not, it is interesting to track how strong your vault is these days. As teenagers, we are all probably at our worst because the power drive is at its highest during those years, but where are we these days?

Have you also noticed that the size of the secret matters? How it is easier to keep secret that Jane lies about her age, but someone having a secret affair is just too tasty to keep? Or that sometimes the secret is sooo juicy that you just have to tell someone while others are no big deal? So while the ability to keep a secret gives an insight into the psychology of a person, what about a city? Think about Hollywood or Washington and those places' lack of ability to keep secrets. What does that say about the collective esteem of the people there and their relationship to Power? Is it that they are genuinely more power hungry than other people or is it that they have the juiciest gossip that mere mortals cannot possibly sit on?

So keeping or telling secrets is all about Power. Do I have enough esteem to keep a secret or do I have to flaunt my power for others to see? Who do you know that can keep a secret? Are you sure? How about a really BIG one, one that just ACHES to be told? Can you keep a secret? How big of one? For how long?

I was once told I could keep a secret....am I up to the task?