Why Didn't You Say Something?

We've all experienced it at some time in our lives, the dreaded question posed by a friend: "Why didn't you say something?" This question is always asked at the tail end of a horrible relationship break-up. It is initially directed to the people who make the mistake of saying something like, "I never liked him/her and thought they treated you badly." I am sure you know what I am talking about. What do you do when you cannot stand a friend's new relationship choice? The first thing you probably do is hope that they break-up quickly. When that doesn't happen you give small hints or even "accidentally" drop a story about the partner that is unflattering in some way in the hope that your friend is as appalled by their behavior as you are. When that doesn't work you are usually stuck with keeping silent or the giving them the "ultimatum": "If you stay with them then I am gone!" Not a particularly effective technique, but it sure makes you feel powerful...for a minute...until they say, "Fine, leave."

The powerlessness of watching a friend stay with a bad partner is amazingly frustrating. A year ago I had a friend who introduced me to their new boyfriend. Now this friend has a history of choosing people that treat her badly so it is not difficult to expect more of the same while hoping for the best for her. Over time the stories collected about the uncaring things he did, he wouldn't commit to dates to do things, he showed up at bad times without calling first, he wouldn't spend her birthday with her or do activities she enjoyed etc... He was bad news and of course she could not see it as she is simply used to this kind of mistreatment. I told her repeatedly that his actions were not caring behavior, but she could not see it. She talked about marrying him after a few months---the same guy who adamantly refused to spend holidays or her birthday with her for no apparent reason.

She found out later by sheer luck that he had two other girlfriends, one with two of his children, and had a rap sheet for domestic violence. I knew, as did others, that this guy was major bad news at first meeting, but she couldn't tell, or admit, that he was treating her badly.  She unbelievably said to me after the break-up, "Why didn't you say something?"
"I did!" I yelled.
"Well why didn't you knock my head or something?"
"Telling you that you have to decide whether or not you are an IDIOT for being with a guy that treats you this badly is not enough of a knock on your head?"
She just shook her head. "You should have done more."

I have been in this situation many times in my life and I have finally come to some conclusions. One is that there is probably nothing you can say to friends about a negative partner that will get through to them especially if you see a problem too early in the relationship. The "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is just too tasty to have threatened by any negative feedback. Another conclusion is that to be a good friend to someone means that you HAVE to say something to them at SOME time. It is the thankless job of a friend, but it needs to be said, and probably much later than you prefer. Your "saying something" is usually most effective when put in the form of a question. Examples include: "When he/she does that, does it bother you at all?" "Didn't that seem cold when he/she did that?" "How are you going to handle it if he/she keeps doing that?" "Is this what you signed up for in a partner?" These types of questions are intended to get them to acknowledge feelings related to the complaints they are expressing so that they can hear themselves express their own discontent. It is an attempt to have them speak out loud about their troubles and the negative feelings they have. The more YOU point out what their partner is doing, the less they can hear it. They have to hear themselves make the complaint to have the complaints begin to come to their attention. They have to see the problems themselves without you pointing them out to them to begin chipping away at their denial. To help calm your frustration at the slowness of this process, think of it as an advanced spiritual course in Patience. Try to graduate with honors...good luck.

My final conclusion is that people always have to learn for themselves at their own pace. This is the most frustrating thing to witness. It seems plain as day to you that they are being mistreated, but they cannot, or will not, see it or admit it. It is often difficult to tell if they are actually not seeing the negative traits or are just ignoring them out of fear of being alone without a relationship. Neither of these choices makes it any easier on you as a friend. You can only do so much in these situations, but the positive thing to remember is that time is on your side. Eventually everyone hits their limit of bad behavior and puts a stop to it...almost everyone that is. There are some hard core folks out there who don't know when to throw in the towel, and be glad if you've never had to stand by and watch these people's self destruction, that is the worst!

In the end, your patience in supportively standing by and allowing your friend to see what they see when they see it, no matter how long that takes, is the ultimate gift you can give to someone in life. It is being a true friend. Maybe your graduation from the Patience course unavoidably has to end with the unreasonable question posed to you, "Why didn't you say something?" At least you know then that the painful period is over.

Killing the Bunny

There is a story about a Buddhist monk who wanted to teach his advanced students the true meaning of Compassion and gave each of the students a baby bunny to take care of for a year. After the year was over he told them to follow his orders without question and do exactly as they were instructed: "Go to a secret place where no one can see you, kill your bunny with a compassionate heart, and bring the carcass back to me." Many hours later, one of the students returned to find the other students sobbing over their dead bunnies as they handed them to their master. The student handed his bunny to the master. The master said, "This bunny is still alive, why did you not follow my orders as instructed?" The student replied, "I did, I did exactly as you said. I took the bunny to many different secret places, but no matter where I took him, he could see me."

Several years ago I had a client who was describing a relationship problem with his partner that he felt was unsolvable. He explained that his partner of two years had turned into a monster and was regularly verbally abusing him among other things including taking money at times without permission. He had spoken to him many times already about these issues, but to no avail, he just kept doing the same problematic things. "I want to break up with him," he said, "but I don't think I can." "Why not?" I asked. "Because every one of our mutual friends loves him and thinks he is just the sweetest thing." I recognized the problem immediately and said almost under my breath, "No one wants to kill the bunny."


There is an interesting phenomenon in both personal relationships and the workplace that I have encountered that I call the "bunny" syndrome. It involves people who present as kind and sweet, like a little bunny, but are really very devious and cruel or the opposite of how they look to those who do not know them well. Family members often experience this when friends meet some of their family members for the first time and comment on how "nice" they are only to be corrected by the knowing statement: "Wait till you get to know them for a while." In the workplace it is often a phenomenon that involves a sub-par worker who ingratiates himself with the boss by running errands for them or buying them little office goodies all the time. The co-workers will often grouse about how little work this employee does, but has the boss wrapped around their finger somehow. In personal relationships the "bunny" syndrome takes the form of any relationship partner that from the outside looks picture perfect, but is truly the opposite in nature when the light of privacy shines through. How does one publicly end a relationship with someone that everyone else thinks is "soooo sweet?"

No one wants to kill the bunny. And why would you? Everyone will think you are so cruel or mean or ungrateful for ending the relationship. You will be the one that looks bad and mean to the others who do not know the truth. Often the "bunny" in question knows this fact and will often pour on the sugar in front of friends when there is conflict in the relationship just to remind you how much other people love them. Sub-par worker "bunnies" will spend long patches of time avoiding their own work, but will bend over backwards for the boss to continue to ingratiate themselves toward a safe "favorite" status.  This "favorite" status often keeps them safe from the list of possible layoffs. Sometimes bunny behavior is done subtly. I know of one employee who called their boss, "honey", so as to confer to those listening of her "favorite" status. "You can't touch me," they seem to say, "cuz I'm the cute little, favorite bunny who is close enough to call the boss 'honey'."

How many people are brave enough to metaphorically kill the bunny by firing them or ending the relationship? Not many, and rarely quickly if at all. People put up with more problems than they are worth for too long because they don't want to look mean to those that do not know the truth about the person. I am sure this "bunny" appears in more places than one would think. High prestige relationships (namely the super rich) deal with this all the time as does Hollywood with their big name, famous stars who can turn out to be major jerks in their private life. How does one end a bad relationship with a famous person who is loved and respected in the public eye? Not easily. Ever get angry at someone for breaking up with your favorite Pop star singer or actor/actress without knowing the whole story? Remember how sure you were that the one who initiated the break-up seemed to be the jerk in the situation? That is the reflexive, protective reaction the bunny gets from people around them. They make sure that a sense of outrage and surprise is expressed by others so they can beg their way back using other's guilt to motivate the "killer" to change his mind. It is an especially tough situation when you are in a tight community such as Hollywood, politics or prestigious firms and need to keep up a good image to maintain your livelihood. Why look like the bad guy and bring on the scorn or rejection of others you need to work with? Even small towns can bring the hot, glaring spotlight of pressure: "You're not breaking up with the Homecoming Queen are you, she is sooooo sweeeeet?!" No one wants to kill the bunny, or for that matter, allow you to do it.

In short, learning to metaphorically kill the bunny and end dysfunctional relationships with seemingly "sweet" people means being true to what you know is true no matter what others believe. It means having the courage to say, "The emperor has no clothes," or "the bunny has no fur," or whatever the analogy calls for. It's harder than you think because public disapproval in any form is painful even, and especially, when you are right in ending it. There is a time when ending a bad relationship is the only answer, and in your case I hope it is not with a bunny, but do it anyway. Killing the bunny, then, is ultimately an act of integrity not cruelty. Your true friends will agree.

How Happy Is Your Marriage?

Doesn't it just seems rude to directly ask someone if they are happy in their marriage?  The reason we even ask this question is usually either because we are worried about them or are in relative disbelief that they could really be as happy as they seem. In fact, much of this curiosity and comparison stems around the fact that unless you are a counselor of some kind and see the inside of many relationships, you usually don't have any access to a happiness yardstick---you know, some kind of relative scale to measure how your own marital happiness compares to others. But BEFORE taking out your happiness yardstick, you need to first consider three important points that influence any measurements of marital happiness. Think of them as necessary prerequisite knowledge for a fuller understanding of any marital measurement.

There is no Perfect Marriage.
This may seem obvious at first, but you probably forgot how early on you most likely believed your marriage was going to be perfect. You may not have said it out loud, but I bet you secretly thought it in your head. This thought left your head after a little while and then probably cropped up again when things were not so perfect. Some people even feel a little guilty when they cannot live up to the wish. Nope, no perfect marriages exist so do not worry that yours has some mud on it. Everyone has issues they never saw coming and everyone has complaints about their partner's behavior that they, in the beginning, never imagined would appear. Just know this fact and relax when the next new irritant shows up because it probably will. "No perfect marriage" means that you are just slogging along like the rest of us in uncharted territories learning more about your self, your partner, and your emotions than you ever originally intended to learn. This learning occurs in all relationships, but it is laid on especially thick in marriage. Remember, "perfect" is the enemy of "good"...and also "pretty good".

Marriages have their Seasons.
Like all things in nature, marriages have seasons, emotional ones. For example, during the emotional Spring and Summer of a marriage things are bright, clear, blooming and beautiful. Most people love the springs and summers of their marriage, and by this I do not mean the actual weather seasons. I mean the metaphorical spring and summer months where there is a breezy easiness to the marriage and warmth prevails through all things you are going through together. Things just click through these phases, and sometimes it is just plain HOT (in a good way). The emotional Fall season in a marriage is when things naturally change (positively or negatively) due to time, maturation, and circumstances. Major changes, loss of friends or relatives, or rituals that are upset because of circumstances beyond your control are common Fall experiences. Things are not necessarily worse in the marriage during the Fall seasons, just different. Old friends move away, old activities change, where you eat, how often you vacation, any change that jumbles up the old habitual activities that were once thought to be a part of your permanent life. Then there are the emotional winters. These involve the times when there is a little coldness running through the marriage that was not there before, or an old "coolness" that is reoccurring due to some setback or friction in the marriage. Unresolved fights, angry exchanges that are not worked out, and life stresses from job or family can bring about a winter season in the marriage. Sometimes they are short, other times they can be very long and bitter. You will have winters in your marriage. There is no avoiding them. They are not much fun, but they are not a sign your marriage is over or irreparably damaged. They are just winters. They will eventually pass. Usually people believe during their first winter season in a marriage that there is something wrong with their marriage. This is not always true. It could just be a temporary "pulling-in", taking a little longer to get "warm" so do not over-evaluate or judge the state of your marriage negatively during these periods, just know this is simply a Winter and stay as warm as possible until it passes. Maybe even offer your spouse some extra warmth during this season.

Happiness is Greatly Overrated
Sounds weird doesn't it? Everybody wants to be happy, right? It is what we should be striving for, right? Maybe not. In our early years we found out the hard way that happiness was not always available when we wanted it. Christmases, birthdays and other special events often over time turned out to be let-downs and not the happiness generators they were in the beginning. Happiness became more fleeting as we got older and often we found that simply feeling content or peaceful during an event was much more attainable. Isn't this simple contentment and peace what we are truly striving for in life? Peace with our spouse and family and our careers? Most people that experience peaceful moments in their lives mislabel it "boredom". Nothing much is happening so it must be boredom. Peace is tranquil, still, quiet, and by definition, often silent. Since happiness in life is definitely not a constant and so fleeting, why are we striving so hard for it? For that matter, why are we measuring our marriage for it in the first place? Such is life, striving for the difficult to atain. So if you are still going to measure your marriage for it, at least consider that compared to Peace, Happiness is greatly overrated.

These three considerations give important perspective to the whole issue of marital happiness before any measurement begins. Without including these factors in any evaluation of marital happiness, one could easily and unnecessarily tilt their measurement to the negative. If you forget there are seasons in  marriage you might over-interpret one particular period you are going through. If you forget there is no perfect marriage, you might use an unrealistic yardstick that is too long or high. If you forget that happiness is greatly overrated, well hell, everyone forgets that, then you could easily not recognize that the supposed "boring" (thus unhappy) month you spent with your spouse was actually a month of Peace. Enjoy "boring" whenever you can in life, it's a gift.

Just some thoughts...