Surviving Holiday Family Gatherings: An Anthropologist's View

Yes Folks, it's Holiday Season! At this point half of the readers are groaning and the other half are smiling (usually the one's with small children). It is in this glorious season that many of us have the great privilege of spending time with all of our family members, many of whom we only see once or twice a year. What a Joy!

Or not...

Let the craziness begin! It is at this time that friends share their wonderfully crazy stories of what they can expect to happen during their visitations with family. If someone else is sharing the "crazy Al" story then it is inevitably funny. If you are the one telling the "crazy Al" story, it is not funny at all. Funny how that is, huh? What do we do with these cringing experiences that inevitably occur in our family visits during the holidays? How do we survive our "crazy Al's" during the holiday season?

Here is what I advise people who are genuinely dreading their newest edition of "America's Funniest Holiday Gatherings": I tell them to approach the visit as if you are an anthropologist visiting an unknown tribe to report on their native customs during their holiday season. I advise them to approach the gathering with the objective, non judgmental eye of strict observation. Ask the important questions about what you are actually observing without getting distracted by the actual events. Be totally involved, but unattached to whatever transpires. Ask yourself: Who is the tribal chief? Is this a true leader or just a figure head? Who is really running the events? How do they interact with one another? Who is the conflict producer and how does this serve the tribe? Who is the tension reducer (the tribal clown) and how do they accomplish it? What are the different roles people play and how do they serve the tribe? All of these questions are important to the trained anthropologist to better understand tribal dynamics within any system they study. Take the interest in the questions seriously.

Once one approaches their holiday gatherings this way, they have accomplished two wonderful things: They have a technique to be able to analyze family dynamics without getting caught up in the whirlwind of activity that gatherings inevitably produce, and they can take in information never before seen by adopting an "observing witness" role rather than a "reactive participant" role. They are fully engaged in the activities, but unattached to outcomes of the activities. They simply observe the events and let them play out from a place, not of horror, but of curiosity. The event simply unfolds: "How curious their behavior is!"

Of course, this takes practice as any student of anthropology will tell you. Reactivity to difficult events playing out before your very eyes is hard to keep in check at first attempt, but every good student realizes that the only way to gain understanding and empathy for the way a tribe interacts is to maintain an objective witness role and observe without judgment. Then, and only then, can one attain a true understanding of how the system supports, nurtures (or not), but pushes toward growth, every one of its members. It may not be a pretty process, but it somehow works toward the evolution of all tribe members in some way.

Happy Holidays, Anthropological Students!

Small Talk as Spiritual Service

Growing up, and especially in my teenage years, I absolutely hated "small talk". I thought it represented the worst of small minds. Whenever I was in a public place and somebody said to a stranger, "Boy the weather sure is Hot/Cold today," I would just roll my eyes in disgust. "What idiots," I would say to myself, "Why would anyone need to say that to a stranger?" And yet everyone would do it in some form or other each time I was in a public gathering for any length of time. Someone inevitably would just have to say something about the weather, our sports team's chances in the playoffs, or any other number of superficial topics that truly meant nothing, it seemed, of importance.

Boy was I wrong!

Shift to fifteen years later. I am walking in from an incredibly hot summer day into a lunch line at Subway and out of my mouth came the unexpected, "Whew," I gasped, "It is hot as an oven out there!" I couldn't believe I said it. I wanted to die right then and there. I had just made my first stupid, weather comment in public, and it just blurted out unexpectedly. Before I could duck my head in shame, two people in front of me in line turned to me with huge smiles. "Isn't it though," one of them said, "I just about had a heart attack walking in from my car." Another person next to him said, "It hasn't been this hot since twenty years ago when I was in the service." A third person chimed in, all smiles, "I'm just glad I have a job with air conditioning, it's the only time I don't mind going to work, saves me A/C money at home." A fourth person jumped in, "Yea, and my air conditioning just busted." Everyone in the line spontaneously chimed in unison, "Awwwwwww," and added some version of "that's horrible." I stood back watching this unfold, my mouth agape. People continued excitedly telling their hottest summer stories to the person next to them, and this continued until everyone got their order and left.

Watching that interaction changed everything for me. I blurt out one superficial comment about weather and look what sprang up: social connection. Strangers spoke to each other as if they were old friends. All this from one stupid, weather comment. That's when I got it. Small talk isn't about exchanging stupid comments to strangers, it's about finding a topic total strangers have in common (weather, local events) and using it to connect socially.

Small talk is the tool that enables people to instantaneously connect with a total stranger. And if one believes that one purpose we are on this planet is to build relationships with those around us throughout our lives, then one could make the argument that engaging in small talk---bringing total strangers together, connecting even for one short minute---is truly service work of a spiritual nature. My stupid weather comment allowed nine strangers, who would probably have never spoken to each other otherwise, to connect for a brief moment in time as friends. No longer were they estranged from each other during those moments. Just a group of people with something in common that allowed them to connect with each other.

So now, when I am in line somewhere, I cannot wait to say, "Man, is the weather crazy out there or what" just to watch the smiling eyes light up around me and the comments of agreement lead to shared stories. Relationship building with total strangers all because I was willing to rethink an action that I once dismissed as stupid.

And the weird thing is, not only am I good at it these days, I now LOVE to small talk. Who'd have thunk it? Stupid me.