It's ALL My Fault!

I have a friend who was going through a painful divorce recently and a common theme appeared that I have seen many times before. It is very common for one partner to feel as if they have no responsibility for a divorce occurring. "It's all your fault," is the phrase often heard by one of the partners and one of the the worst sounds for a therapist to hear because if counseling has a chance, it has to be engaged in with a belief that both parties have something they can improve in themselves to help the marriage continue. My friend was upset because his wife would not enter marriage therapy because she felt she had no responsibility for the souring of the marriage. He felt they both had pieces to work on, but she felt that because he was the one who was unhappy, it was his problem, and basically told him as much. At the end of a long discussion he asked me earnestly, "Bottom line, what would it take for her to not just attend therapy, but to change as a person, and I mean totally?"

It was a bold question on his part. It was asking for the key to total personal change. My response was just as bold.

"She would have to be willing to go to the extreme opposite pole and say, It's ALL my fault, and I am going to work on it. She would have to be willing to take ALL the responsibility for her to even be willing to look at anything, and that of course is impossible for her now."

He was surprised at my answer. You might be too. Let me explain.

I learned this from another friend's separation where the woman involved found out that her husband wanted a trial separation. He told her he wanted to separate to see if he wanted to continue the marriage and she said to herself in response: "Well I had better assume this is my entire responsibility and change what I am doing because even if he doesn't come back I need to know where I contributed so this doesn't happen again for me."

Pretty bold statement, huh? She of course knew she was not totally responsible for the problems (which is true), but she was WILLING to take total responsibility to leave no stone unturned in solving it. She was so motivated to change, she took 100% blame without any defense. She did not care about sparing her own ego, she only cared about changing her part and was so motivated to do so, she did not bother with her husband's part in it all---that was his business. She knew what she needed to do for herself.

Now let me say right now, this was not the same as another situation where a low self esteem partner feels they are always to blame for a relationship's problems, that is just a case of low self esteem. This was a case where a high esteemed person decided to put the ego aside for a while and tackle EVERYTHING. That kind of courage is rare. She knew her husband had his part, but didn't want to dwell on that so that everything could be reviewed with equal intensity. This focus of attention allowed everything to be scrutinized without the ego getting in the way.

So for my friend's wife to totally change as a person, it would take an equally extreme, but opposite approach, than the one she was taking. Naturally she was not going to do that in her bitterly defended state, but that is the extreme psychological willingness it would take for her to totally change. Of course, it did not happen and the marriage dissolved.

As we all know, most of us are somewhere in between on this question of responsibility. Most of us are willing to admit at least some portion of responsibility for our relationship problems, but I learned something important from my friend. For me to get to the most rigorously honest and scouring truth about myself, I have to be willing to take 100% responsibility for any problem. This willingness says that I care more about finding a solution than sparing my ego. It says in essence, "Since I alone take total responsibility for this problem, I can by that willingness not only leave no aspect unturned and reviewed, but also make myself the agent of change. I can only change in myself, what I can own in myself.

How many people are willing to commit to that effort? We always soothe our ego, by saying, "Well at least 50% is their fault so I don't have to look at everything." Sometimes it is in the places we never thought to look that we find the gold within ourselves. For however much I am willing to take responsibility is how much I can change in my life and in my relationships. My friend modeled that for me. Of course it is not all her fault. That is a given. But her willingness to take it ALL on meant she invested in total rigorous self-analysis over self-pride.

She was rewarded by her bravery of course. Her marriage was not only saved, but it flourished to levels she had never experienced in a relationship before. So much so that a woman years later approached her at a party and asked: "How long have you and your husband been together?"
"Fourteen years," she replied.
"I hope I can find a relationship with as much love in it as you two have after fourteen years."

So how many of us are willing to take that same leap of courage and take 100% responsibility for a problem without assigning blame to anybody else? How long could you even maintain such a stance? Could you hold that viewpoint for at least a week, a day, an hour, how about at all? What would such an unflinching review uncover that would not have been seen without that level of fearlessness? It is said about approaching a crisis, "Forget the blame, solve the problem." She already took the blame off the table and committed to the solution.

How many of us are that fearless?