Why Didn't You Say Something?

We've all experienced it at some time in our lives, the dreaded question posed by a friend: "Why didn't you say something?" This question is always asked at the tail end of a horrible relationship break-up. It is initially directed to the people who make the mistake of saying something like, "I never liked him/her and thought they treated you badly." I am sure you know what I am talking about. What do you do when you cannot stand a friend's new relationship choice? The first thing you probably do is hope that they break-up quickly. When that doesn't happen you give small hints or even "accidentally" drop a story about the partner that is unflattering in some way in the hope that your friend is as appalled by their behavior as you are. When that doesn't work you are usually stuck with keeping silent or the giving them the "ultimatum": "If you stay with them then I am gone!" Not a particularly effective technique, but it sure makes you feel powerful...for a minute...until they say, "Fine, leave."

The powerlessness of watching a friend stay with a bad partner is amazingly frustrating. A year ago I had a friend who introduced me to their new boyfriend. Now this friend has a history of choosing people that treat her badly so it is not difficult to expect more of the same while hoping for the best for her. Over time the stories collected about the uncaring things he did, he wouldn't commit to dates to do things, he showed up at bad times without calling first, he wouldn't spend her birthday with her or do activities she enjoyed etc... He was bad news and of course she could not see it as she is simply used to this kind of mistreatment. I told her repeatedly that his actions were not caring behavior, but she could not see it. She talked about marrying him after a few months---the same guy who adamantly refused to spend holidays or her birthday with her for no apparent reason.

She found out later by sheer luck that he had two other girlfriends, one with two of his children, and had a rap sheet for domestic violence. I knew, as did others, that this guy was major bad news at first meeting, but she couldn't tell, or admit, that he was treating her badly.  She unbelievably said to me after the break-up, "Why didn't you say something?"
"I did!" I yelled.
"Well why didn't you knock my head or something?"
"Telling you that you have to decide whether or not you are an IDIOT for being with a guy that treats you this badly is not enough of a knock on your head?"
She just shook her head. "You should have done more."

I have been in this situation many times in my life and I have finally come to some conclusions. One is that there is probably nothing you can say to friends about a negative partner that will get through to them especially if you see a problem too early in the relationship. The "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is just too tasty to have threatened by any negative feedback. Another conclusion is that to be a good friend to someone means that you HAVE to say something to them at SOME time. It is the thankless job of a friend, but it needs to be said, and probably much later than you prefer. Your "saying something" is usually most effective when put in the form of a question. Examples include: "When he/she does that, does it bother you at all?" "Didn't that seem cold when he/she did that?" "How are you going to handle it if he/she keeps doing that?" "Is this what you signed up for in a partner?" These types of questions are intended to get them to acknowledge feelings related to the complaints they are expressing so that they can hear themselves express their own discontent. It is an attempt to have them speak out loud about their troubles and the negative feelings they have. The more YOU point out what their partner is doing, the less they can hear it. They have to hear themselves make the complaint to have the complaints begin to come to their attention. They have to see the problems themselves without you pointing them out to them to begin chipping away at their denial. To help calm your frustration at the slowness of this process, think of it as an advanced spiritual course in Patience. Try to graduate with honors...good luck.

My final conclusion is that people always have to learn for themselves at their own pace. This is the most frustrating thing to witness. It seems plain as day to you that they are being mistreated, but they cannot, or will not, see it or admit it. It is often difficult to tell if they are actually not seeing the negative traits or are just ignoring them out of fear of being alone without a relationship. Neither of these choices makes it any easier on you as a friend. You can only do so much in these situations, but the positive thing to remember is that time is on your side. Eventually everyone hits their limit of bad behavior and puts a stop to it...almost everyone that is. There are some hard core folks out there who don't know when to throw in the towel, and be glad if you've never had to stand by and watch these people's self destruction, that is the worst!

In the end, your patience in supportively standing by and allowing your friend to see what they see when they see it, no matter how long that takes, is the ultimate gift you can give to someone in life. It is being a true friend. Maybe your graduation from the Patience course unavoidably has to end with the unreasonable question posed to you, "Why didn't you say something?" At least you know then that the painful period is over.