It's ALL My Fault!

I have a friend who was going through a painful divorce recently and a common theme appeared that I have seen many times before. It is very common for one partner to feel as if they have no responsibility for a divorce occurring. "It's all your fault," is the phrase often heard by one of the partners and one of the the worst sounds for a therapist to hear because if counseling has a chance, it has to be engaged in with a belief that both parties have something they can improve in themselves to help the marriage continue. My friend was upset because his wife would not enter marriage therapy because she felt she had no responsibility for the souring of the marriage. He felt they both had pieces to work on, but she felt that because he was the one who was unhappy, it was his problem, and basically told him as much. At the end of a long discussion he asked me earnestly, "Bottom line, what would it take for her to not just attend therapy, but to change as a person, and I mean totally?"

It was a bold question on his part. It was asking for the key to total personal change. My response was just as bold.

"She would have to be willing to go to the extreme opposite pole and say, It's ALL my fault, and I am going to work on it. She would have to be willing to take ALL the responsibility for her to even be willing to look at anything, and that of course is impossible for her now."

He was surprised at my answer. You might be too. Let me explain.

I learned this from another friend's separation where the woman involved found out that her husband wanted a trial separation. He told her he wanted to separate to see if he wanted to continue the marriage and she said to herself in response: "Well I had better assume this is my entire responsibility and change what I am doing because even if he doesn't come back I need to know where I contributed so this doesn't happen again for me."

Pretty bold statement, huh? She of course knew she was not totally responsible for the problems (which is true), but she was WILLING to take total responsibility to leave no stone unturned in solving it. She was so motivated to change, she took 100% blame without any defense. She did not care about sparing her own ego, she only cared about changing her part and was so motivated to do so, she did not bother with her husband's part in it all---that was his business. She knew what she needed to do for herself.

Now let me say right now, this was not the same as another situation where a low self esteem partner feels they are always to blame for a relationship's problems, that is just a case of low self esteem. This was a case where a high esteemed person decided to put the ego aside for a while and tackle EVERYTHING. That kind of courage is rare. She knew her husband had his part, but didn't want to dwell on that so that everything could be reviewed with equal intensity. This focus of attention allowed everything to be scrutinized without the ego getting in the way.

So for my friend's wife to totally change as a person, it would take an equally extreme, but opposite approach, than the one she was taking. Naturally she was not going to do that in her bitterly defended state, but that is the extreme psychological willingness it would take for her to totally change. Of course, it did not happen and the marriage dissolved.

As we all know, most of us are somewhere in between on this question of responsibility. Most of us are willing to admit at least some portion of responsibility for our relationship problems, but I learned something important from my friend. For me to get to the most rigorously honest and scouring truth about myself, I have to be willing to take 100% responsibility for any problem. This willingness says that I care more about finding a solution than sparing my ego. It says in essence, "Since I alone take total responsibility for this problem, I can by that willingness not only leave no aspect unturned and reviewed, but also make myself the agent of change. I can only change in myself, what I can own in myself.

How many people are willing to commit to that effort? We always soothe our ego, by saying, "Well at least 50% is their fault so I don't have to look at everything." Sometimes it is in the places we never thought to look that we find the gold within ourselves. For however much I am willing to take responsibility is how much I can change in my life and in my relationships. My friend modeled that for me. Of course it is not all her fault. That is a given. But her willingness to take it ALL on meant she invested in total rigorous self-analysis over self-pride.

She was rewarded by her bravery of course. Her marriage was not only saved, but it flourished to levels she had never experienced in a relationship before. So much so that a woman years later approached her at a party and asked: "How long have you and your husband been together?"
"Fourteen years," she replied.
"I hope I can find a relationship with as much love in it as you two have after fourteen years."

So how many of us are willing to take that same leap of courage and take 100% responsibility for a problem without assigning blame to anybody else? How long could you even maintain such a stance? Could you hold that viewpoint for at least a week, a day, an hour, how about at all? What would such an unflinching review uncover that would not have been seen without that level of fearlessness? It is said about approaching a crisis, "Forget the blame, solve the problem." She already took the blame off the table and committed to the solution.

How many of us are that fearless?

Charlie Sheen And The Compassion Factory

"I have tiger blood." "I have Adonis DNA." "The normal mind cannot understand me." "I am a freakin' rock star from Mars." "I always have a plan that I execute perfectly." "I am a winner among fools." These are just a few of the jewels from Charlie Sheen's twenty-four hour, television interview binge attempting to prove that he is definitely "special," but sober.

In my book, Fundamental 2 states, "No one wants you to succeed too well or fail too badly," and oddly enough, Charlie Sheen's behavior last night may have strangely fallen into both categories. My heart went out to him. Watching him exhibit behavior last night that could reflect the manic pole of the bipolar spectrum was heart wrenching for anyone who understood what they were seeing. It was the picture of a man out of control and incapable of clear thought or introspection. If you missed it, I am sure it will be re-played for the next ten years as a warning to all that this too could happen to a loved one of yours, and here is what it looks like in the late stages of its misery.

My own father was bi-polar, and my brother died smack in the middle of a cocaine fueled binge---dead before he hit the ground---so I know the pain such behavior can caused loved ones as they watch it play itself out. One interviewer asked him what he felt about those around him who were worried about his self-destructive drug and prostitute fueled binges and violent behavior. He kept saying, "They don't know me." Well, maybe not, but the behavior is boringly diagnostic of a multi-layered problem that actually is also boringly treatable. Emphasis on the word "boring" because to get treatment means he has to come down from gloriously exciting Mars and join the rest of us on this sometimes boring planet we call Earth. Last night, Charlie looked extremely disinterested in such a demotion.

I pray that I am wrong here, but I felt I was looking at the last chapter of someone's life. A needless and boringly predictable ending to another bright light on this often dully lit planet. My brother was another of those bright lights, but no amount of outreached hands could catch him because he, like Charlie, was flying too bright, too fast. My heart and prayers go out to his family for they are all in pain right now. It is one thing to watch this play out privately as I did, but it's another thing altogether to watch it blasted on national television-----your Family Crest repeatedly blown out of a t-shirt cannon into an anonymous, clamoring audience.

Charlie's father, Martin Sheen, made famous by his role as the president in the "West Wing," was asked what was the next step after years of trying to help his son fight the demons he too fought in his own life. His reply: "Learn to love, that much more."

A daunting task for all of us.

No One Who Is Real Is Boring

I forget who wrote this, but a famous socialite who threw the A+ parties at the time would always write at the end of her immaculately printed invitations this line: "And remember, no one who is real is boring." I just love that. It is a wonderful reminder of the responsibility we should aspire to when we attend a friend's party or walk through our lives---don't be boring. It also reminds us of the fact that if we do not spend a lot of energy putting on false fronts and just be open to whoever and whatever we meet, we will avoid being boring. Easier said than done for most people of all ages because most of us struggle with what it means to be "real." If only we had a model for what that would look like.

I have found one.

There is a T.V. show called "An Idiot Abroad." In it, Ricky Gervais sends a man he describes as a total idiot around the world to see several great sites of the world. The Great Pyramids, the Taj Mahal, and The Great Wall are just a few he has shown to the man named Karl Pilkington, who is the supposed idiot of the show. I was reluctant to watch it because he had done an earlier show featuring Karl in conversations and Ricky would just laugh and insult him through out the show which was too painful for me to watch. I approached this new show with reluctant suspicion.

After watching several episodes, my take of the show was simply: I love Karl Pilkington. Karl is a 30ish, British man with an admittedly oddly shaped bald head, which makes him look slightly, well...odd, but I just absolutely adore this man and how he thinks and expresses himself. He is the farthest thing from an idiot, and he is definitely NOT boring. He is the model for "real." He simply experiences what is before him with absolute honesty and openness and has no pretense available to him much to his numerous host's dismay at times. As a dinner guest in the tent of a family in the desert, he was shown some of the raw animal parts being served for the meal. When offered a raw sheep eyeball and told not to insult his host he turned to the cameraman and whispered, "Well the problem is I gag really easily, and if I put that in my mouth and gagged, won't that be really worse for them to see me do that than if I just don't eat it, eh?" "That would kind of be worse don't you think because there is no way I can eat that thing." His approach and reaction to everything he sees is brilliantly real, honest, and direct. When he is forced to ride with Hare Krishnas in a bus who get out and dance whenever the bus stops in traffic he reluctantly joins and dances, but says to the camera man, "I know they think this brings happiness to others, all this dancing about, but what if I had my sick mum in an ambulance behind all this trying to get to the hospital...not so happy then, would you be? Isn't that right?"

He is the perfect model for what being "real" means: absolutely uncensored, well meaning, but sometimes stepping on toes as he reacts honestly. I also realized an interesting and rare trait: he never says anything that does not carry an emotion with it. He says nothing that is emotionally neutral. Everything he says carries a vibrancy of emotion whether it is anger, disgust, happiness, fear, embarrassment, whatever, everything he says feels alive. He is certainly never boring.

So why is this trait, this thing we call "real" so rare? Because to be real we have to be vulnerable to whatever comes our way and that is frightening (see Fundamental 1 in my book). Who wants to be vulnerable when we can (at least) appear powerful? We talk of our successes not our failures. We express our happiness in our relationships, not the thorns that are presently catching our shirts. We do not express our fears, and sometimes we can't even say we like a certain song for fear of ridicule by someone musically "smarter" than us. So we emotionally hunch over in our lives and express whatever we can with the hopes that we will appear all together and happy. It sometimes comes off as boring though.

I'm thinking about hosting an "idiot's" party soon. Wanna come? Can you not be boring? Think about that first.

"I'd Rather Be With Anyone Than Alone"

Let's face it, boiled down to it's basics, counseling people is mostly about helping people deal with their pain and unhappiness. Relationships are a common arena where many people experience pain and unhappiness. Let me talk about one belief, rarely discussed, that causes much pain in relationships. It's a belief that both causes people to enter the wrong kind of relationship, and to stay in a negative one for too long.

The one statement/belief that greatly contributes to prolonged unhappiness in many relationships, dating and marital, is: "I'd rather be with anyone than alone." This feeling is one of the most common statements I hear from people ages 15-60 regarding relationships in general. So how does this statement cause pain? To begin with, it implies that people would rather be in a relationship of any kind, unhappy or not, than be alone---that being alone is worse than being in a negative, unfulfilling relationship. This statement says, "I'll bear whatever negativity there is in my relationship, no matter how extreme, than be without one." I have found this to be a major contributor to the prolonged pain people endure in relationships.

There is always conflict in relationships over time, that is a given. But what we do with that conflict is the real crux to whether the relationship flourishes or decays. The next step in dealing with a conflict involves the couple's willingness to discuss and work on the issue, but even that is affected by this statement because if I am terrified of losing the relationship and being alone, I probably will be reluctant to even address the problem for fear that discussing it might cause a blow up and a break-up. It might be safer to ignore and just bear the problem. If I'd rather be with anyone than alone then I will probably ignore everything I am unhappy with in the relationship so as not to cause waves. This causes any love in the relationship to decay and resentments to build up. So this belief causes people to both initially ignore conflict, avoid problem solving, and ultimately resist leaving a relationship that is beyond resolution. Both actions prolong pain in relationship.

I rarely counsel teenagers, but recently I had a seventeen year old boy talking about the suffering his girlfriend at college puts him through. It was horrible to hear. She said every insulting and degrading thing she could to him whenever she felt he was not being a "good enough" boyfriend. She truly was unreasonable in her complaints of his talking to anyone else but her or wanting to do activities with his friends, but he simply took it and felt worse and worse over time. He only came to see me because his parents insisted I try to "talk some sense into him" and get him to leave this shrew of a girlfriend. When I asked why he stayed he said she was the first girl who showed interest in him, and he'd rather...well, you know. The other side of the coin is his girlfriend who would rather verbally abuse this guy three times a week and be in a constant state of frustration than find someone more suitable to her needs. She would rather beat a slow horse to death than risk looking for a faster one. Rather than ignore the conflict as many do, she went to the other extreme and frantically tried to emotionally "beat" the change into him. Both were unhappy, and both were too scared to move on. She talked about marrying him in a year. He said he saw no solution to her unreasonable demands and complaints, but would probably marry her.

This issue also affects whom we choose as a partner in the first place. It sets up an expectation that I have got to have someone/anyone around me at all times lest I feel the horrors of being alone. That means a dysfunctional person is better than no one. We can see this when people surround themselves with empty "frenemies" who take advantage of the relationship every chance they get, but are not helpful or supportive in any way. This belief also causes extremely negative relationships to continue for too long. What is it about being alone that makes so many of us choose continued unhappiness over it?

Everyone is terrified. I'll leave the discussion here for now...

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I have had several people this week come to me to ask, "what's up with that?" This question is a new phenomenon caused by the release of my book. You see, when you write a book called "Why Normal People Do Some Crazy Things," everyone expects answers about the crazy things they experience in their day. It is also a test along the lines of, "Okay Mr. Big Shot Smart Guy, explain this..." I actually enjoy it because it tests the range of my "Fundamentals." So this week was interesting because I got a couple of similar stories that involved friends who gave another friend something nice and got blasted shortly afterward by that same friend with something negative about the gift. One story was: friend number one needed money badly so friend number two gave her a portion of her dog walking job and let her keep the money. Friend number two called her back a couple of days later and blasted her about the inconvenience she had caused her because the dog walking job forced her to miss an event she wanted to attend. "I'll never dog walk for you again," she said hissing angrily. Wow! Friend number one gave her the job to help her out and that is the response she gets? This friend (actually a "frienemy") has done similar things like this in the past and this was the last straw for friend number one.

Second story: Friend number one gives another friend a barely worn $1,000 suit he had just grown out of . They were of similar build and as it was custom made to begin with, it needed only slight alterations to make it a perfect fit. Friend number two upon trying it on loved the suit but angrily protested the alterations: "Don't you realize the most expensive part of a suit is the alterations? Forget it!" Whatever that means, it didn't even make sense. He was just livid at the suggestion that he would have to spend maybe $80 to own a like-new custom $1,000 suit.

Wow again. What is going on here? The answer to this is simple and something generous people deal with often. When someone is generous by nature they are always looking to do things for other people. These are the rare people in our society, very low percentage in relation to the population at large. Generous people by nature are also recognized by those around them as just that, generous in spirit. This causes a resentment factor in people not generous in nature---people having low esteem. Low esteem people are rarely generous because they are usually angry at how the world/people/job/life screws them all the time. They never feel they have enough in the first place so they never feel they have enough to give something to others. The low esteem folks now are angry at the generous people because in their heart they know they are not like them and cannot be generous themselves so they have to try to denigrate what the generous people are giving or doing for others in order to lessen the "goodness" of the act. It is as if they are saying, "Since I do not do things for others like you do, I will belittle your act of kindness in any way I can." They may take the offered gift, but they will belittle it in some way. That way, you see, the act doesn't "count," therefore "you are no better than I am" (who doesn't give at all).

I once bought several friends a dinner at a nice restaurant and afterward several gave glowing praise and thanks. One friend was initially silent and later interrupted the praise with, "I don't know why you all make such a big deal about the dinner, he just bought it for us to show off." There was stunned silence. I could not believe he had said it at all, let alone so sneeringly angry in tone. That was my first taste of this issue as I had never noticed it before.

Years later I experienced this kind of reaction more and more, both from this friend and others. I realized it was the adult equivalent of a school child destroying something someone else had received praise for. We often see siblings do this when a parent praises one over the other. The low esteem person has to destroy or belittle the object of praise.

So for those of you out there trying to simply be kind to another, remember, no good deed goes unpunished (if a low esteem person can get their hands or words on it), and just keep doing your good works. We don't do it for praise or thanks anyway...well maybe we do sometimes...but just keep on doing it, and let the acts speak for themselves.

(Whispering) Also, you can put in your back pocket the knowledge that generosity is a sign of high esteem. Happy giving.

Surviving Holiday Family Gatherings: An Anthropologist's View

Yes Folks, it's Holiday Season! At this point half of the readers are groaning and the other half are smiling (usually the one's with small children). It is in this glorious season that many of us have the great privilege of spending time with all of our family members, many of whom we only see once or twice a year. What a Joy!

Or not...

Let the craziness begin! It is at this time that friends share their wonderfully crazy stories of what they can expect to happen during their visitations with family. If someone else is sharing the "crazy Al" story then it is inevitably funny. If you are the one telling the "crazy Al" story, it is not funny at all. Funny how that is, huh? What do we do with these cringing experiences that inevitably occur in our family visits during the holidays? How do we survive our "crazy Al's" during the holiday season?

Here is what I advise people who are genuinely dreading their newest edition of "America's Funniest Holiday Gatherings": I tell them to approach the visit as if you are an anthropologist visiting an unknown tribe to report on their native customs during their holiday season. I advise them to approach the gathering with the objective, non judgmental eye of strict observation. Ask the important questions about what you are actually observing without getting distracted by the actual events. Be totally involved, but unattached to whatever transpires. Ask yourself: Who is the tribal chief? Is this a true leader or just a figure head? Who is really running the events? How do they interact with one another? Who is the conflict producer and how does this serve the tribe? Who is the tension reducer (the tribal clown) and how do they accomplish it? What are the different roles people play and how do they serve the tribe? All of these questions are important to the trained anthropologist to better understand tribal dynamics within any system they study. Take the interest in the questions seriously.

Once one approaches their holiday gatherings this way, they have accomplished two wonderful things: They have a technique to be able to analyze family dynamics without getting caught up in the whirlwind of activity that gatherings inevitably produce, and they can take in information never before seen by adopting an "observing witness" role rather than a "reactive participant" role. They are fully engaged in the activities, but unattached to outcomes of the activities. They simply observe the events and let them play out from a place, not of horror, but of curiosity. The event simply unfolds: "How curious their behavior is!"

Of course, this takes practice as any student of anthropology will tell you. Reactivity to difficult events playing out before your very eyes is hard to keep in check at first attempt, but every good student realizes that the only way to gain understanding and empathy for the way a tribe interacts is to maintain an objective witness role and observe without judgment. Then, and only then, can one attain a true understanding of how the system supports, nurtures (or not), but pushes toward growth, every one of its members. It may not be a pretty process, but it somehow works toward the evolution of all tribe members in some way.

Happy Holidays, Anthropological Students!

Small Talk as Spiritual Service

Growing up, and especially in my teenage years, I absolutely hated "small talk". I thought it represented the worst of small minds. Whenever I was in a public place and somebody said to a stranger, "Boy the weather sure is Hot/Cold today," I would just roll my eyes in disgust. "What idiots," I would say to myself, "Why would anyone need to say that to a stranger?" And yet everyone would do it in some form or other each time I was in a public gathering for any length of time. Someone inevitably would just have to say something about the weather, our sports team's chances in the playoffs, or any other number of superficial topics that truly meant nothing, it seemed, of importance.

Boy was I wrong!

Shift to fifteen years later. I am walking in from an incredibly hot summer day into a lunch line at Subway and out of my mouth came the unexpected, "Whew," I gasped, "It is hot as an oven out there!" I couldn't believe I said it. I wanted to die right then and there. I had just made my first stupid, weather comment in public, and it just blurted out unexpectedly. Before I could duck my head in shame, two people in front of me in line turned to me with huge smiles. "Isn't it though," one of them said, "I just about had a heart attack walking in from my car." Another person next to him said, "It hasn't been this hot since twenty years ago when I was in the service." A third person chimed in, all smiles, "I'm just glad I have a job with air conditioning, it's the only time I don't mind going to work, saves me A/C money at home." A fourth person jumped in, "Yea, and my air conditioning just busted." Everyone in the line spontaneously chimed in unison, "Awwwwwww," and added some version of "that's horrible." I stood back watching this unfold, my mouth agape. People continued excitedly telling their hottest summer stories to the person next to them, and this continued until everyone got their order and left.

Watching that interaction changed everything for me. I blurt out one superficial comment about weather and look what sprang up: social connection. Strangers spoke to each other as if they were old friends. All this from one stupid, weather comment. That's when I got it. Small talk isn't about exchanging stupid comments to strangers, it's about finding a topic total strangers have in common (weather, local events) and using it to connect socially.

Small talk is the tool that enables people to instantaneously connect with a total stranger. And if one believes that one purpose we are on this planet is to build relationships with those around us throughout our lives, then one could make the argument that engaging in small talk---bringing total strangers together, connecting even for one short minute---is truly service work of a spiritual nature. My stupid weather comment allowed nine strangers, who would probably have never spoken to each other otherwise, to connect for a brief moment in time as friends. No longer were they estranged from each other during those moments. Just a group of people with something in common that allowed them to connect with each other.

So now, when I am in line somewhere, I cannot wait to say, "Man, is the weather crazy out there or what" just to watch the smiling eyes light up around me and the comments of agreement lead to shared stories. Relationship building with total strangers all because I was willing to rethink an action that I once dismissed as stupid.

And the weird thing is, not only am I good at it these days, I now LOVE to small talk. Who'd have thunk it? Stupid me.