Why Women Choose Emotionally Unavailable Men

I have seen this phenomenon all of my life especially with friends of mine, and I am writing this as an extension of the last blog entry, "Why Didn't You Say Something?" So why do women often choose emotionally unavailable men? I will give you the answer up front:  to practice the act of loving in an emotionally "safe" relationship. What does this mean? Let me explain using the example of musical pop stars that girls have professed their undying love toward throughout the years. There have been pop idols dating back to male heart throbs in the 50's including Frank Sinatra, Elvis, and then moving to the sixties with the Beatles, Stones etc... You have seen the stadiums full of screaming girls fainting and crying at the mere sight of their idols. I use this example because it seems to be unique to females that they literally go hysterical at these concerts professing their "love" for the idol on stage. I have not seen a stadium of boys going crazy over the latest female star, though I am sure there are some boys out there that do. I believe that the hysterical phenomenon we are watching at concerts is an emotional outpouring of "love" related to the desire to experience a relationship with someone. If they didn't want to strongly express their love, they would not scream hysterically during the concert. So in some way, by screaming their professed love to an idol allows for them to:

1) Intensely feel the feeling of loving/idolizing someone in their life
2) Intensely express that feeling verbally in an overt, intense manner, and
3) Do so safely because it will not be returned in any real, tangible way.

Think of it as "practicing loving" by young girls full of urges to be in relationship with their perfect man. It is simply a very real exercise in expressing love safely with no expectations or return of that love and no resultant vulnerability. Here is my point:  while women are naturally more relationally oriented than men, that orientation does not protect them from the raw, emotional vulnerability of relationships or Love or make them any less fearful of it. So the easiest way to feed the urge for Love and relationship while dealing with the genuine fear of it is to choose an emotionally unavailable person (like young girls do with a pop star) and throw as much love as one can on him or her, knowing that there will be no threat of the love being emotionally returned. So what does this teenage idol example have to do with women choosing emotionally unavailable men later in life? It is a way for these women to experience and express the feelings of Love without truly dealing with the fear/vulnerability of having that love returned because the man maintains emotional distance like the stage that separates them from their idol. Were they to choose someone who would genuinely love them back, they would feel too vulnerable and probably pull back emotionally themselves. The worst you could say about these women is that they love the act of loving, but are scared of actually receiving it. If this were not true, they would not repeatedly pick out the same unemotional types of men repeatedly throughout their lives. So for those women out there who regularly choose emotionally unavailable men, just know that once you build a braver heart for yourself, you will find the interesting but cold guys you used to choose much less interesting...and maybe even have the courage to choose one that can love you back.