As a counselor over the years, I have heard countless, heartbreaking stories of my clients who were unwittingly tricked or cheated by someone they totally trusted in their life, or were treated in a way they never expected, in short, being played as a fool. I have struggled over the years to find something consoling to say to them, and until recently had nothing comforting for them except to say that "this too shall pass," which, while true, is not the most consoling tidbit to say the least.
Recently I saw a James Bond movie, "Live and Let Die," for the twenty-third time, and saw a scene that involved a Tarot card deck and the "Fool" card. It hit me that throughout ancient mythology the Fool was a revered character. I also remembered that the Fool is a notable character in every indigenous tradition and every culture that exists. What is it with this iconic role? Why was it so respected as evidenced by its mythic and ubiquitous role throughout history in every existing culture? I wondered, "What if this role is so prevalent, not just because we all experience it sometime in life, but because there is some larger spiritual reason for it's existence? What if the playing the Fool in life was far from foolish and actually a higher calling?
To understand this line of thinking, one only needs to look at the role of the Fool in every story that it appears. It usually involves an unknowing "innocent" (usually being set up over a period of time) who is deceived or duped into having something taken from them. Usually the "innocent" is totally trusting or unsuspecting that this person could do anything bad to them, in essence giving this person the rare gift of total trust. This is where the divinity of the character appears. The Fool gives this person involved the gift of utter trust, and by doing so bestows a sacredness to the relationship. How many people in your life have you known who gave someone total trust? Not many I'm sure. The Fool does this without any reservation. If you have ever received this honor, you may know how such a gift feels inside. It is rare and special.
The "Betrayer", then, is held within a sacred relationship right up to the point that he commits the act of betrayal. It is through this gift of trust that the Fool plays his cosmically divine role: The Fool actually gives the person a chance NOT to commit the act of betrayal and remain in the privileged role of "trusted friend", a high and rare honor in life. If the person does NOT commit the act, knowing full well that he could get away with it, he avoids a weaker urge within himself and therefore grows in character and spirit. He overcomes a weaker impulse that we all experience in life, and flies with his better angels. The Fool, therefore, is the rare archetypal character that allows us, in an instant, this glorious opportunity---a redemption of sorts.
Whether it is a cashier who gives us too much change, or the trusting partner who gives us access to the private bank account, or the relative who signs over to us all financial rights, these are all examples of the Fool acting in total trust and allowing us an opportunity to fight our lesser impulses and rise to a higher standard of purpose in our life. Only the Fool gives us this opportunity in such a definitive way. So by giving back the extra change to the cashier, or NOT acting in an irresponsible or greedy way allows us an immediate character "check" and an opportunity to grow in one's own esteem.
It is interesting to note in one's life, can you remember a time when you had the opportunity to do something you knew was wrong and resisted it? Can you remember the struggle involved in your mind including the rationalizations like: "They won't even notice that much gone", or "I deserve it for all I've done", or "Who will it hurt"? This is the sacred vessel into which the Fool puts us and let's us decide for ourselves in that moment: "Who am I going to be here?"
I don't know how consoling this explanation will be for my clients in the future. One thing is certain though, playing the Fool is not as trivial or foolish as it may initially appear because playing the role of "the tester of Souls" is no small matter. It can only be played by those with the capacity for complete Trust in the first place. How rare and sacred such a person seems to be these days.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Playing the Fool in Life
Nobody can feel better than the man who is completely taken in.
To be intelligent may be a boon, but to be completely trusting,
gullible to the point of idiocy, to surrender without reservation,
is one of the supreme joys of life.
Henry Miller
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Emotional Moving Day
Ten years ago I had an executive client with a particularly difficult CEO for a boss. The CEO was famous for shouting at meetings so loudly that the surrounding offices could clearly hear him through the walls. On top of this, he was usually shouting about topics or issues about which he knew nothing. His CFO stopped correcting him about the factual mistakes he would be screaming about because there was no point anymore as the CEO would not remember having screamed about them after the meeting. On one occasion, after a meeting where my client was screamed at over some arcane reporting form, he asked the CFO, who was sitting there the whole time, why he had not defended him. The CFO answered, "Oh we haven't used that form for three years. Why bother pointing it out, he will just be embarrassed and besides, he won't even remember he said it by tomorrow."
After a five year tumultuous relationship, the CEO was fired one day for "inappropriate use of company funds." My client was thrilled to be finally rid of the crazy CEO and was elated for two whole days. What happened next surprised him. On the third day after the CEO was fired, he experienced a wave of anger that seemed totally disconnected to anything in his life at the time. Memories started flooding his head replaying the numerous crazy meetings he had with the CEO. Memory after memory came and went and he even found himself cursing the CEO as if he were in the room. These memories and anger feelings continued off and on for several days and then just stopped. My client was concerned that he might be going crazy himself and talked to me. I explained that it was a form of post-traumatic stress release. He had been forced to stoically bear these angry rants by his boss because the power differential would not allow him to fight back, and only after the boss was fired could he release the tension he felt at the time. He was literally "boxing away" his anger at the boss until such time that he could feel safe in releasing it. That time came when the boss was no longer his boss. After a couple of days of yelling at his past traumatic memories, he had released his pent-up anger and felt normal again.
Similarly, a client called me the other day who was going through a divorce and was disturbed that she was having crying fits after the divorce was finalized. "Why am I just crying all the time when I am glad to be out of the marriage?" I recounted the client's story and explained that it was literally all the tension of every fight and frustration she had experienced in the last ten years in her marriage. "Your psyche realizes it is now safe to release these emotions, since y0u are finally away from your husband," I told her.
We often bear the pain of interactions in relationships without realizing how much much pain we have actually gone through. We simply take the pain and put it in a box somewhere inside our self. Power differentials, the difference of perceived or accepted power between two or more people, are often the cause of this. We cannot yell back at our bosses because they might fire us---power differential---so we bury the pain/anger. We cannot yell/fight back with our spouses for fear of some retaliation---power differential---so we bury the emotion. Sometimes we cannot fight back because we realize that we are the more powerful in the situation and it might cause harm to the offending person, so we box the emotion just the same. I know of 240 lb. men who have been sent to the hospital by their 120 lb. wives because they did not feel they could fight back as their wife hit them with things. It does not matter who has the true power in the situation, whoever is not able to fully express themselves will have to eventually release the suppressed emotion from the box. It might be five days or five years later, but it will eventually have to be released.
The good news in all of this is that we really do not even have to know what it is that we are releasing when it happens, only that the release is healthy and necessary. Insights connected to the release are helpful and interesting at times in the process, but ultimately less important than the sheer release itself. If the emotion is coming out unexpectedly, just let it come out and the insight might come later. Have faith that you are not going crazy just simply unboxing old emotions---think of it as your emotional "moving day." Who knows, maybe you can move some of those extra boxes out forever.
After a five year tumultuous relationship, the CEO was fired one day for "inappropriate use of company funds." My client was thrilled to be finally rid of the crazy CEO and was elated for two whole days. What happened next surprised him. On the third day after the CEO was fired, he experienced a wave of anger that seemed totally disconnected to anything in his life at the time. Memories started flooding his head replaying the numerous crazy meetings he had with the CEO. Memory after memory came and went and he even found himself cursing the CEO as if he were in the room. These memories and anger feelings continued off and on for several days and then just stopped. My client was concerned that he might be going crazy himself and talked to me. I explained that it was a form of post-traumatic stress release. He had been forced to stoically bear these angry rants by his boss because the power differential would not allow him to fight back, and only after the boss was fired could he release the tension he felt at the time. He was literally "boxing away" his anger at the boss until such time that he could feel safe in releasing it. That time came when the boss was no longer his boss. After a couple of days of yelling at his past traumatic memories, he had released his pent-up anger and felt normal again.
Similarly, a client called me the other day who was going through a divorce and was disturbed that she was having crying fits after the divorce was finalized. "Why am I just crying all the time when I am glad to be out of the marriage?" I recounted the client's story and explained that it was literally all the tension of every fight and frustration she had experienced in the last ten years in her marriage. "Your psyche realizes it is now safe to release these emotions, since y0u are finally away from your husband," I told her.
We often bear the pain of interactions in relationships without realizing how much much pain we have actually gone through. We simply take the pain and put it in a box somewhere inside our self. Power differentials, the difference of perceived or accepted power between two or more people, are often the cause of this. We cannot yell back at our bosses because they might fire us---power differential---so we bury the pain/anger. We cannot yell/fight back with our spouses for fear of some retaliation---power differential---so we bury the emotion. Sometimes we cannot fight back because we realize that we are the more powerful in the situation and it might cause harm to the offending person, so we box the emotion just the same. I know of 240 lb. men who have been sent to the hospital by their 120 lb. wives because they did not feel they could fight back as their wife hit them with things. It does not matter who has the true power in the situation, whoever is not able to fully express themselves will have to eventually release the suppressed emotion from the box. It might be five days or five years later, but it will eventually have to be released.
The good news in all of this is that we really do not even have to know what it is that we are releasing when it happens, only that the release is healthy and necessary. Insights connected to the release are helpful and interesting at times in the process, but ultimately less important than the sheer release itself. If the emotion is coming out unexpectedly, just let it come out and the insight might come later. Have faith that you are not going crazy just simply unboxing old emotions---think of it as your emotional "moving day." Who knows, maybe you can move some of those extra boxes out forever.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
When Personal and Work Life Merge
I have discussed in previous blogs the issue of the business world and the personal world merging in the workplace. I said that through the 1970's, there were several expectations at work that were referred to at that time as being a "professional." One was that you keep your personal life and problems at home, and when you are at work, you work with no personal distractions. Another was that everyone who was above your pay grade was referred to as Mr. or Ms. _______ and not by their first names at the workplace. This kept a more formal atmosphere at work and delineated job titles. People at the same job level were informal with each other, but no one ever referred to their bosses by their first name. Dress codes were enforced, there were no casual days and any requests for time off were put in writing, not requested in the break room or hallway.
Wow, have things changed in 2010. One manager I know has put it this way, "Starting professionals these days believe that work is interfering with their personal texting, cellphone calls and computer surfing. When I ask them to work on projects, they actually shrug as if irritated by me. They act like my teenagers at home when I ask them to do a chore."
What has happened to the workplace?
My belief is that once we lowered the standards of physical/verbal decorum in the workplace, making it look and feel the same as it is at home, the employee's psyche registers that similarity as a sufficient equivalence, and starts to act, feel and express themselves the same in the workplace as they would at home. The problem with this is that now the employee's psyche begins to see the boss as Mom/Dad, co-workers as their siblings, and believes that any personal issues or feelings are both appropriate to express here and should be your problem as well. With no psychological separation between workplace and home employees feel entitled to act any way they want and vent any emotion as they want. Because this attitude has been around for a while I get a lot of clients who regularly ask me, "Why do I have to treat them any differently if they are having relationship problems or something, and why do I have to deal with their home problems at work anyway? Just do your job for God's sake, I'm your boss not your Mother!"
One client recently discussed how an employee found out that her husband was having an affair and now felt entitled to leave early every day, come in late and let deadlines slide because, "I'm going through a tough time, you know." My client felt unable to put her foot down because of the new belief that we have to be hypersensitive to everyone's needs and therefore cannot ask them to do their job if they are going through a rough time. There is a big difference between letting someone take the rest of the day off on a particularly difficult day and maybe a few personal days following, and expecting shortened work days for weeks on end.
I am not going to offer solutions to this issue at this time, but I would love to hear from other managers and hear their stories relating to this problem. It is a very real issue that is getting out of hand in the modern workplace, and it all started with making the workplace physically and psychologically more informal.
Wow, have things changed in 2010. One manager I know has put it this way, "Starting professionals these days believe that work is interfering with their personal texting, cellphone calls and computer surfing. When I ask them to work on projects, they actually shrug as if irritated by me. They act like my teenagers at home when I ask them to do a chore."
What has happened to the workplace?
My belief is that once we lowered the standards of physical/verbal decorum in the workplace, making it look and feel the same as it is at home, the employee's psyche registers that similarity as a sufficient equivalence, and starts to act, feel and express themselves the same in the workplace as they would at home. The problem with this is that now the employee's psyche begins to see the boss as Mom/Dad, co-workers as their siblings, and believes that any personal issues or feelings are both appropriate to express here and should be your problem as well. With no psychological separation between workplace and home employees feel entitled to act any way they want and vent any emotion as they want. Because this attitude has been around for a while I get a lot of clients who regularly ask me, "Why do I have to treat them any differently if they are having relationship problems or something, and why do I have to deal with their home problems at work anyway? Just do your job for God's sake, I'm your boss not your Mother!"
One client recently discussed how an employee found out that her husband was having an affair and now felt entitled to leave early every day, come in late and let deadlines slide because, "I'm going through a tough time, you know." My client felt unable to put her foot down because of the new belief that we have to be hypersensitive to everyone's needs and therefore cannot ask them to do their job if they are going through a rough time. There is a big difference between letting someone take the rest of the day off on a particularly difficult day and maybe a few personal days following, and expecting shortened work days for weeks on end.
I am not going to offer solutions to this issue at this time, but I would love to hear from other managers and hear their stories relating to this problem. It is a very real issue that is getting out of hand in the modern workplace, and it all started with making the workplace physically and psychologically more informal.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Enough Is Enough?
"Enough is enough" is an expression known more for its "I am outta here" reference than anything else. But the truth is, it is a part of an important question that many people do not ask themselves...uh...enough. When is enough enough?
When I got my first professional job at the age of 23 I was given $16,000 a year. At the time, I told my mother that this meant I was finally being paid enough to never have to worry about money ever again. Yep, I actually said that. And I believed it. She chuckled and told me in the most gentle, but knowing tone, "Honey, it's never going to be enough".
"What an idiot," I thought.
Innocence is bliss.
Now that I have lost my innocence, I am left with the question, "What is enough?"
As a professional, I am poignantly asked by wives who have less than ideal marriages, "Am I stupid for staying with this man?" I am asked the same question by men, but not as often for a variety of reasons. And my statement to them is always the "golden question" in my mind: "Well, you have to ask yourself, 'what is enough?'" This is an important question, and interestingly, the answer changes through our life phases. In the our early phases we all expected to be millionaires, or marry one, and stay beautiful for the rest of our lives. We all expected to be celebrities in our communities and respected by all. We were all going to marry the most beautiful wife or husband---with a full head of hair and the perfect body, get the perfect job, gain much professional acclaim, and don't forget the perfect, loving, and beautiful children...and live happily ever after.
Not.
Then, hopefully, we all had to ask ourselves an important question: "What is enough?" For those of you younger than thirty-nine, relax, the crushing blow of that question is not relevant to you. I ask the troubled wives/husbands I see, "What if what you believed was your God-given right in the past is no longer necessary?" Things like: my right to a husband/wife with a perfect body, or my right to be or marry a millionaire, or the perfect job, or my right to perfect and never ending sex, or wonderfully behaved, hard working children, or maybe even my simple right to an affectionate, demonstrably loving partner. What if, grand as those wishes were in the past, I've truly found in my seemingly imperfect life---enough?
I think when we were young and had these images of what we wanted out of life, we had no reason not to expect them to come true. Why shouldn't they come true, that is what we wanted after all. It is only later that many of us find that many of those images we had of our future might not pan out at all or they just change over time. They change because of the unexpected events in our lives. They change because others didn't act like we expected, and they change because life deals us some unexpected cards. Sometimes the images changed because we actually attained and lived them and they were not as great as we thought they would be. Sometimes they change because we unexpectedly found something better, something we never even thought would be life changing in the first place, like children.
So what if, after a period of time (usually after thirty-five or so), we look around at what we have in our lives, our family, our partners/spouses, our children, our jobs and say "maybe this is enough." What if this seemingly imperfect life is all I need...it's not actually settling for too little...maybe somewhat less that I originally wanted or envisioned, but finding that what I do have right now is truly enough for who I have become in life.
There is a quote from the movie, "Still Bill". It tells the story of Bill Withers who took himself out of "the game" right as he became world famous for his songs like "Lean on Me" and "Ain't No Sunshine." He said, "It's okay to head out for Wonderful, but on your way to Wonderful you're going to have to pass through all right. And when you get to all right, take a look around and get used to it 'cause that may be as far as you are going to go."
Sometimes all right is enough.
When I got my first professional job at the age of 23 I was given $16,000 a year. At the time, I told my mother that this meant I was finally being paid enough to never have to worry about money ever again. Yep, I actually said that. And I believed it. She chuckled and told me in the most gentle, but knowing tone, "Honey, it's never going to be enough".
"What an idiot," I thought.
Innocence is bliss.
Now that I have lost my innocence, I am left with the question, "What is enough?"
As a professional, I am poignantly asked by wives who have less than ideal marriages, "Am I stupid for staying with this man?" I am asked the same question by men, but not as often for a variety of reasons. And my statement to them is always the "golden question" in my mind: "Well, you have to ask yourself, 'what is enough?'" This is an important question, and interestingly, the answer changes through our life phases. In the our early phases we all expected to be millionaires, or marry one, and stay beautiful for the rest of our lives. We all expected to be celebrities in our communities and respected by all. We were all going to marry the most beautiful wife or husband---with a full head of hair and the perfect body, get the perfect job, gain much professional acclaim, and don't forget the perfect, loving, and beautiful children...and live happily ever after.
Not.
Then, hopefully, we all had to ask ourselves an important question: "What is enough?" For those of you younger than thirty-nine, relax, the crushing blow of that question is not relevant to you. I ask the troubled wives/husbands I see, "What if what you believed was your God-given right in the past is no longer necessary?" Things like: my right to a husband/wife with a perfect body, or my right to be or marry a millionaire, or the perfect job, or my right to perfect and never ending sex, or wonderfully behaved, hard working children, or maybe even my simple right to an affectionate, demonstrably loving partner. What if, grand as those wishes were in the past, I've truly found in my seemingly imperfect life---enough?
I think when we were young and had these images of what we wanted out of life, we had no reason not to expect them to come true. Why shouldn't they come true, that is what we wanted after all. It is only later that many of us find that many of those images we had of our future might not pan out at all or they just change over time. They change because of the unexpected events in our lives. They change because others didn't act like we expected, and they change because life deals us some unexpected cards. Sometimes the images changed because we actually attained and lived them and they were not as great as we thought they would be. Sometimes they change because we unexpectedly found something better, something we never even thought would be life changing in the first place, like children.
So what if, after a period of time (usually after thirty-five or so), we look around at what we have in our lives, our family, our partners/spouses, our children, our jobs and say "maybe this is enough." What if this seemingly imperfect life is all I need...it's not actually settling for too little...maybe somewhat less that I originally wanted or envisioned, but finding that what I do have right now is truly enough for who I have become in life.
There is a quote from the movie, "Still Bill". It tells the story of Bill Withers who took himself out of "the game" right as he became world famous for his songs like "Lean on Me" and "Ain't No Sunshine." He said, "It's okay to head out for Wonderful, but on your way to Wonderful you're going to have to pass through all right. And when you get to all right, take a look around and get used to it 'cause that may be as far as you are going to go."
Sometimes all right is enough.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
What Is Heart Development?
My Last Blog entry has prompted several inquiries into what I meant by heart development as a method of developing courage and humility. I can sum up the last blog by saying I did not think the field of Psychology would be truly advanced by any new theories of neuroses. I may be wrong here due to a lack of vision or imagination, but I believe that the only genuinely important advancements would have be in the area of personal change and would need to involve methods of changing one's conscious behaviors. As in the field of medicine, diagnosis without cure is useless. It might be interesting to understand the workings of a particular neurosis or pathology, but without an applicable solution, it would still be useless. I suggested that heart development/awakening (achieving a "Braveheart") was the most straightforward way to prepare an individual to have the courage and humility to take on the difficult task of deep personal change so I want to explain the concept of heart development in a practical way.
Most of my Executive Coaching sessions are very problem focused: Here is my problem, how do I fix it? The next level of work is: "is this going to happen again if I do not change something about myself?" If the answer is "yes" then the next level of work appears. This is usually as far as work goes for people looking for Executive Coaching. Clients seeking Personal Coaching, looking at personal and relationship issues, are usually more open to exploring the deeper issues around one's life and the root causes of them. Heart development is the conscious work on building a strong foundation in oneself that allows courageous mastery of emotion in one's life. It is the mastery of emotion that determines the flexibility, presence, and quality of relationship we experience with everything/everyone in our life. The quality of the level of your emotional mastery determines the quality of your life. Emotional Mastery is attained through Heart development/awakening.
So what would this look like? The good news is that I will not be writing some book in the future entitled, "Seven Easy Steps to a Brave Heart," though that is what everyone does these days to get rich. This work is uniquely individual and everyone works at different levels with different areas of their life to begin doing this work. Developing/awakening one's heart is extremely personal and vulnerable and deserves more care and attention than some "easy steps" because it is NOT easy. That is why I said it takes a brave heart to develop a brave heart. So what would this work look like behaviorally? I have to admit, explaining this is much harder than you would think because we have such few models out there to show us what it looks like. At the feeling level, it would be the moment in one's life when the emotion running through you is not frightening at all and you feel a simultaneous sense of both absolute confidence and vulnerability. It is a feeling of both fullness and emptiness, a sense in that moment of both wonder and knowing. The closest most people get to this is when they feel a rush of adrenaline, but that is the power feeling without the simultaneous vulnerability. Again describing this often turns discussion to poetry, but that is why it is so elusive: the more practically you describe it the more mundane it appears and the more descriptively you describe it the more paradoxical it seems.
Here is a quick behavioral way to test where you are or are not in heart development and emotional mastery:
1) How often do you verbalize your heart-felt, genuine love to your wife/husband/partner? To your children? To your friends? How often are you physically affectionate with your loved ones and family?
2) How often do you express vulnerability to your loved ones such as expressions of Fear, Worry, Weakness? How often do you apologize when you are wrong? How often can you identify making a mistake before being told?
3) How often can you express your positive feelings to loved ones and friends or express your difficult feelings with people without blame or judgement?
4) How often can you show tears to people? Do you feel comfortable crying in front of your loved ones or family? How about strangers or in movie theatres?
5) How often are you honest with people in a caring way?
6) How often are you genuinely interested in what others are telling you about their lives?
7) How often are you genuinely joyous over other people's good fortune in their lives? How often do you give positive compliments to people or give positive acclaim about their achievements?
8) How often do you make it important to make others feel safe (socially or physically) in your presence?
9) How often are you able to give genuine forgiveness to those who have hurt you or your loved ones?
People who have greatly developed their hearts, those few Bravehearts out there, do all of these things regularly and often. It is not a complete list of course, but it is a easy guide to what heart development would look like in someone else's behavior. I chose these examples because they relate to everyone and they demand the most courage and humility to accomplish. As you can see, emotional mastery involves the use of one's personal emotions and the awareness of other's emotional needs to build and strengthen all relationships. Emotional mastery, then, is not, as is commonly thought, the use of the intellect to overcome emotion, it is the use of emotions themselves to empower oneself and others. That can only be accomplished by individual work on heart development.
Most of my Executive Coaching sessions are very problem focused: Here is my problem, how do I fix it? The next level of work is: "is this going to happen again if I do not change something about myself?" If the answer is "yes" then the next level of work appears. This is usually as far as work goes for people looking for Executive Coaching. Clients seeking Personal Coaching, looking at personal and relationship issues, are usually more open to exploring the deeper issues around one's life and the root causes of them. Heart development is the conscious work on building a strong foundation in oneself that allows courageous mastery of emotion in one's life. It is the mastery of emotion that determines the flexibility, presence, and quality of relationship we experience with everything/everyone in our life. The quality of the level of your emotional mastery determines the quality of your life. Emotional Mastery is attained through Heart development/awakening.
So what would this look like? The good news is that I will not be writing some book in the future entitled, "Seven Easy Steps to a Brave Heart," though that is what everyone does these days to get rich. This work is uniquely individual and everyone works at different levels with different areas of their life to begin doing this work. Developing/awakening one's heart is extremely personal and vulnerable and deserves more care and attention than some "easy steps" because it is NOT easy. That is why I said it takes a brave heart to develop a brave heart. So what would this work look like behaviorally? I have to admit, explaining this is much harder than you would think because we have such few models out there to show us what it looks like. At the feeling level, it would be the moment in one's life when the emotion running through you is not frightening at all and you feel a simultaneous sense of both absolute confidence and vulnerability. It is a feeling of both fullness and emptiness, a sense in that moment of both wonder and knowing. The closest most people get to this is when they feel a rush of adrenaline, but that is the power feeling without the simultaneous vulnerability. Again describing this often turns discussion to poetry, but that is why it is so elusive: the more practically you describe it the more mundane it appears and the more descriptively you describe it the more paradoxical it seems.
Here is a quick behavioral way to test where you are or are not in heart development and emotional mastery:
1) How often do you verbalize your heart-felt, genuine love to your wife/husband/partner? To your children? To your friends? How often are you physically affectionate with your loved ones and family?
2) How often do you express vulnerability to your loved ones such as expressions of Fear, Worry, Weakness? How often do you apologize when you are wrong? How often can you identify making a mistake before being told?
3) How often can you express your positive feelings to loved ones and friends or express your difficult feelings with people without blame or judgement?
4) How often can you show tears to people? Do you feel comfortable crying in front of your loved ones or family? How about strangers or in movie theatres?
5) How often are you honest with people in a caring way?
6) How often are you genuinely interested in what others are telling you about their lives?
7) How often are you genuinely joyous over other people's good fortune in their lives? How often do you give positive compliments to people or give positive acclaim about their achievements?
8) How often do you make it important to make others feel safe (socially or physically) in your presence?
9) How often are you able to give genuine forgiveness to those who have hurt you or your loved ones?
People who have greatly developed their hearts, those few Bravehearts out there, do all of these things regularly and often. It is not a complete list of course, but it is a easy guide to what heart development would look like in someone else's behavior. I chose these examples because they relate to everyone and they demand the most courage and humility to accomplish. As you can see, emotional mastery involves the use of one's personal emotions and the awareness of other's emotional needs to build and strengthen all relationships. Emotional mastery, then, is not, as is commonly thought, the use of the intellect to overcome emotion, it is the use of emotions themselves to empower oneself and others. That can only be accomplished by individual work on heart development.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Growth And Change: Any Advancements?
Someone recently asked me what the "next big thing" in the advancement of Psychotherapy or Personal Change will be. It was an interesting question because in all of the sciences the forward thinkers are constantly thinking of the "next big advancement" so they can invest in their foreseeable future. The first thing that immediately came to mind for the field of Psychology was the mapping of the brain. Once we can map the brain (in progress as we speak) in a way that whatever we think can be recorded on a screen, allowing us to literally "read" people's mind when we ask them questions, we will have a huge advancement in psychological knowledge because we will finally know what people truthfully think, do, and believe in their lives. But that would only allow us to know what "is" in people and would not advance people's ability to change their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
If we are to truly advance the field of Psychology, it would seem that it would have to involve something that would help people change the things in their lives that cause them and others problems. Psychological theories about behavior are fine for academia, but they do not ultimately help a person change their dysfunctional behaviors and thinking. As I see it, the two main keys to making changes in one's life are Courage and Humility. Courage is needed to allow a new vision of one's self and life and make the psycho/behavioral changes necessary to attain it (change is one of the most fearful things imaginable---ask any manager who has had to implement a company change.) Humility is needed to first allow that something we are doing is wrong and needs change (many people fight for their lives to keep their way the RIGHT way) and then to allow someone to help facilitate the change (receiving from others is actually more difficult for most people than giving.) It would follow then from this reasoning that anything that would effortlessly boost Courage and Humility would be the next big advancement in the field of Psychotherapy.
Of course the converse corollary would also be true so that anything that could effortlessly decrease Fear and Pride would have a similar effect. Any advance that could boost one pair (Courage and Humility) and/or decrease another (Fear and Pride) and personal and collective change could be much, much easier. Got any ideas? Yea, neither do I.
So we are left with the conundrum of the ages, how do we boost Courage and Humility and lessen Fear and Pride? The obvious answer is heart development/awakening, building a genuine individual "Braveheart" for oneself. With a "Braveheart" all things are possible, but you have to deal with a paradox to accomplish it: You have to have a Braveheart to attempt the building of a Braveheart. The work is initially too vulnerable and frightening without one which is why strong-heartedness is so rarely seen these days. If only there were some advancement that could make the whole process easier.
But maybe that is the point. There is no advancement that is going to make personal change/growth easier because attaining a "Braveheart" is such a rare and powerful feat that only the strongest get the prize. And only through the vulnerable and humiliating efforts made to accomplish it can we attain it. Change is not meant to be easy, and bravery is not attained through weakness. That is what makes a "Braveheart" so rare and valuable.
If we are to truly advance the field of Psychology, it would seem that it would have to involve something that would help people change the things in their lives that cause them and others problems. Psychological theories about behavior are fine for academia, but they do not ultimately help a person change their dysfunctional behaviors and thinking. As I see it, the two main keys to making changes in one's life are Courage and Humility. Courage is needed to allow a new vision of one's self and life and make the psycho/behavioral changes necessary to attain it (change is one of the most fearful things imaginable---ask any manager who has had to implement a company change.) Humility is needed to first allow that something we are doing is wrong and needs change (many people fight for their lives to keep their way the RIGHT way) and then to allow someone to help facilitate the change (receiving from others is actually more difficult for most people than giving.) It would follow then from this reasoning that anything that would effortlessly boost Courage and Humility would be the next big advancement in the field of Psychotherapy.
Of course the converse corollary would also be true so that anything that could effortlessly decrease Fear and Pride would have a similar effect. Any advance that could boost one pair (Courage and Humility) and/or decrease another (Fear and Pride) and personal and collective change could be much, much easier. Got any ideas? Yea, neither do I.
So we are left with the conundrum of the ages, how do we boost Courage and Humility and lessen Fear and Pride? The obvious answer is heart development/awakening, building a genuine individual "Braveheart" for oneself. With a "Braveheart" all things are possible, but you have to deal with a paradox to accomplish it: You have to have a Braveheart to attempt the building of a Braveheart. The work is initially too vulnerable and frightening without one which is why strong-heartedness is so rarely seen these days. If only there were some advancement that could make the whole process easier.
But maybe that is the point. There is no advancement that is going to make personal change/growth easier because attaining a "Braveheart" is such a rare and powerful feat that only the strongest get the prize. And only through the vulnerable and humiliating efforts made to accomplish it can we attain it. Change is not meant to be easy, and bravery is not attained through weakness. That is what makes a "Braveheart" so rare and valuable.
Monday, June 21, 2010
"One Thing And You're Kilt For Life"
As the joke goes (or how I heard it) a guy is asked by his wife, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" The fairly oblivious husband responds, ""Nope your big butt makes your pants look big." The wife, fuming as she slams the door leaving the room says, "That is it, I want a divorce!" The oblivious husband sighs and mutters, "One thing and you're kilt for life." I am sure there are other variations of the joke, but it is the last line that I am focusing on here.
I am seeing a disturbing pattern in this increasingly politically correct and hyper-sensitive world in which we live. In the name of political correctness, I am seeing people's increasing comfort with totally writing someone off for one misplaced or inappropriate comment. I am talking now about friends, or people with which there is some history and relationship. I totally understand how first impressions are very powerful and making a huge gaffe in the first meeting can sour future interest in starting a relationship, but I am talking about established relationships here. I am noticing an increased hyper-sensitivity by people who were "shocked" or "offended" by a friend or associate's statement and a willingness to say through act or deed, "I don't like them anymore."
Now I am not talking about a comment that reflects a long pattern or history of similar comments by someone. That would be just the last straw of a long line of comments reflecting the same attitude. I am talking about some fresh comment or offending behavior that in the offended party's mind was "just too much" or "crossed the line." I say all this because I too have been the party that said the wrong thing at times throughout my life and have unfortunately lost people because of it. "What horrible thing did you say, Kevin," is the thought that you may have I am sure, but for the most part I was never told by that person what those things were, or given a chance to respond or defend my statements-- I was just banished. No, they were not some racist/ethnic slurs or anything of that inflammatory proportion, but the comments just offended someone, and that was it, potential or established friendship ruined. I've even had others defend me in situations by saying, "Oh, that's so and so and they are always reacting to stuff like that." I am thinking in those situations: "why couldn't we talk about it----conflict resolution style?" People do not want to talk in way too many cases I am seeing these days.
One comment recently was when I saw the sister of a friend react anxiously about a mess someone made and said, "Wow, that is just like your sister would react." End of possible relationship with the newly-met sister. I had overstepped some unknown boundary and it was the topic of much conversation the next day about how "rude" I was. I only found out several months later from someone else that she had that reaction to my observation. There are other examples of course, but you get the idea.
Now, I admit, I am very forthcoming of spontaneous insights and seemingly innocent observations, but I am shocked by people's increasing willingness to "write someone off" simply because they were uncomfortable with someone's offhanded comment. I see the same thing in corporations when someone asks a "forbidden" question or points out a commonly known, but taboo/undiscussable fact. The offending party is increasingly ostracised or fired. What has become of us as a culture? Are we becoming so psychologically fragile as a whole that a simple statement can get us fired/dumped/ostracised by communities?
In my book (you know the title already.....don't you?), I talk about a similar effect I've found in groups. I call it the "tyranny of the child." This is where group discussion/attention is held captive by someone who is offended by something that was said, and that person then proceeds to take the group hostage, claiming all attention to their personal drama surrounding their personal offense until they have receive a satisfactory amount of attention/apology/nurturing to allow the group to move forward. I distinguish this from a person appropriately sharing impact of another person's statement by pointing out that sharing impact from someone's statement does not demand the group as a whole to stop and "fix" the emotional "harm." "I am hurt so you need to fix me," is very different from, "I had this reaction to your statement." One is "needy child attention-getting", the other is "adult" sharing.
My point in all this is that is seems to be more and more acceptable these days to be able to write someone off because of one social faux pas or a perceived slight or insult. Is this helpful in any way? Are we becoming so politically correct or socially fragile that any comment that offends us warrants justifiable abandonment? Have you ever been banished for something stupid or spontaneous that you said at a gathering?
I am encouraging something more adult in these situations if you experience some "offense" socially. Investigate the motivations behind the statement. Find out what was happening for that person before you banish/fire them. Have none of us made a stupid comment before? Is there any room for social error anymore? I once jokingly referred to myself as a "girly man" using Schwarzenegger's line and was angrily confronted by a group member who told me that her brother was Gay and I owed her and him an apology for my "sexual slur." He was not there at the time, but she knew it would have been as offensive to him as it was to her, and she wanted her pound of flesh now. I apologized, but she remained angry.
Am I crazy or was that an obvious overreaction? Are you seeing the same trend?
It seems increasingly these days that one thing and you ARE kilt for life.
I am seeing a disturbing pattern in this increasingly politically correct and hyper-sensitive world in which we live. In the name of political correctness, I am seeing people's increasing comfort with totally writing someone off for one misplaced or inappropriate comment. I am talking now about friends, or people with which there is some history and relationship. I totally understand how first impressions are very powerful and making a huge gaffe in the first meeting can sour future interest in starting a relationship, but I am talking about established relationships here. I am noticing an increased hyper-sensitivity by people who were "shocked" or "offended" by a friend or associate's statement and a willingness to say through act or deed, "I don't like them anymore."
Now I am not talking about a comment that reflects a long pattern or history of similar comments by someone. That would be just the last straw of a long line of comments reflecting the same attitude. I am talking about some fresh comment or offending behavior that in the offended party's mind was "just too much" or "crossed the line." I say all this because I too have been the party that said the wrong thing at times throughout my life and have unfortunately lost people because of it. "What horrible thing did you say, Kevin," is the thought that you may have I am sure, but for the most part I was never told by that person what those things were, or given a chance to respond or defend my statements-- I was just banished. No, they were not some racist/ethnic slurs or anything of that inflammatory proportion, but the comments just offended someone, and that was it, potential or established friendship ruined. I've even had others defend me in situations by saying, "Oh, that's so and so and they are always reacting to stuff like that." I am thinking in those situations: "why couldn't we talk about it----conflict resolution style?" People do not want to talk in way too many cases I am seeing these days.
One comment recently was when I saw the sister of a friend react anxiously about a mess someone made and said, "Wow, that is just like your sister would react." End of possible relationship with the newly-met sister. I had overstepped some unknown boundary and it was the topic of much conversation the next day about how "rude" I was. I only found out several months later from someone else that she had that reaction to my observation. There are other examples of course, but you get the idea.
Now, I admit, I am very forthcoming of spontaneous insights and seemingly innocent observations, but I am shocked by people's increasing willingness to "write someone off" simply because they were uncomfortable with someone's offhanded comment. I see the same thing in corporations when someone asks a "forbidden" question or points out a commonly known, but taboo/undiscussable fact. The offending party is increasingly ostracised or fired. What has become of us as a culture? Are we becoming so psychologically fragile as a whole that a simple statement can get us fired/dumped/ostracised by communities?
In my book (you know the title already.....don't you?), I talk about a similar effect I've found in groups. I call it the "tyranny of the child." This is where group discussion/attention is held captive by someone who is offended by something that was said, and that person then proceeds to take the group hostage, claiming all attention to their personal drama surrounding their personal offense until they have receive a satisfactory amount of attention/apology/nurturing to allow the group to move forward. I distinguish this from a person appropriately sharing impact of another person's statement by pointing out that sharing impact from someone's statement does not demand the group as a whole to stop and "fix" the emotional "harm." "I am hurt so you need to fix me," is very different from, "I had this reaction to your statement." One is "needy child attention-getting", the other is "adult" sharing.
My point in all this is that is seems to be more and more acceptable these days to be able to write someone off because of one social faux pas or a perceived slight or insult. Is this helpful in any way? Are we becoming so politically correct or socially fragile that any comment that offends us warrants justifiable abandonment? Have you ever been banished for something stupid or spontaneous that you said at a gathering?
I am encouraging something more adult in these situations if you experience some "offense" socially. Investigate the motivations behind the statement. Find out what was happening for that person before you banish/fire them. Have none of us made a stupid comment before? Is there any room for social error anymore? I once jokingly referred to myself as a "girly man" using Schwarzenegger's line and was angrily confronted by a group member who told me that her brother was Gay and I owed her and him an apology for my "sexual slur." He was not there at the time, but she knew it would have been as offensive to him as it was to her, and she wanted her pound of flesh now. I apologized, but she remained angry.
Am I crazy or was that an obvious overreaction? Are you seeing the same trend?
It seems increasingly these days that one thing and you ARE kilt for life.
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