The Mystery of Apology

When was the last time someone apologized to you? And I don't mean one of those modern apologies that goes like, "If something I said happened by random chance to offend you...", I mean one that felt vulnerable and genuine. I don't remember the last time I got one. It is interesting because I seem to be someone that needs to apologize a lot. Whether it is an off hand comment or an unintended slight, I find myself quick to apologize to anyone I can when it is needed. But that is the point isn't it---that is the snag in the whole thing---"when it is needed." Nobody thinks it is needed anymore. I understand that in this day and age of "sue over anything" it is not recommended to apologize to anyone because that is seen as some admission of guilt. Doctors are especially careful of this even though studies now show that doctors who apologize for their mistakes are much less likely to be sued. I talk to managers all the time that say something too strong or loud to a worker (see my last blog entry for my own managerial outburst), but they are extremely reluctant to apologize because it will "make me look weak." So losing control of your emotions makes you look strong? I understand the cultural ethos of the male dominant society that says males who yell are stronger than soft spoken males, but does that yelling truly command respect from fellow workers? I don't think so.

A mysterious thing happens to people when they get a true apology. They become uncomfortable. I think the reason I see this so clearly when others do not is because I am doing it so frequently in my own life. There is a palpable discomfort people have that usually causes them to say in an almost reflexive way, "no...no really it is fine." To which I have to reply with my own "no" followed by, "no really I mean it, I am sorry." Now why is this? Why do they almost cut me off when I am apologizing to say it is alright and not to worry about it? I believe it is because the genuine act of apology carries a true power that is felt by those involved. The act of vulnerability by one brings forth a sympathetic vulnerability of another. This is felt so strongly that there is a reflexive attempt to stop the process mid sentence and move on so as not to feel its full force. The Mystery of apology to me is both the healing power of being vulnerable to another human being and the vulnerability it reciprocates from the other. It is not, as feared by many, some kind of loss of power by one, but rather an evening of power for both. Both parties are empowered by the act of vulnerability by one. That may be why I no longer fear the act itself because something strengthens within the relationship because of it.

Apologize sometime with true vulnerability and watch the other person try to cut you off from finishing by telling you, "No, it was nothing...no need for that." If they try to cut you off it was heartfelt, if they are mad at you afterward, it was probably one of those modern, protected kinds of apology.