No Failed Marriages

Since this site advertises both "personal and individual executive" coaching, let's get personal for a moment. I just heard about another famous Hollywood divorce after 20+ years of marriage. You have to ask yourself, "What the heck is going on here?" Twenty years? And if that marriage breaks up after all those years, what chance do I have? It is a reasonable question. Here is the irony: it is exactly for the fact that marriages are often successful in one area that divorces can occur. Strange, huh? Let me talk about one particularly positive outcome of marriage that can also lead to divorce: personal growth.

We enter marriage hoping we will live happily ever after. This is all good and well except that rarely do people realize the true power of the "cauldron" of relationship. Relationship, especially marriage, is such a powerful force in and of itself that it forces people to begin changing the fabric of who they were when they entered it.

Let me use the soup analogy. Let's say a carrot and a potato are the couple entering a marriage. The pot of boiling water is the marriage cauldron. The potato and carrot jump in and initially things are warm all over. What is happening though is that over time they begin to soften and infuse each other from their experiences within the marriage. Carrot and potato start becoming less distinct within themselves and start to become carrotpotato. Flavors mix and experiences are the added spice making what were two distinct beings and flavors into more of a blended soup. Add kids to the soup (peas or onions---your choice) and carrot and potato become even more infused with "flavor" changing the distinct nature of every participant involved. You see the analogy. What was once two separate items added to boiling water (marriage) is now a blended, flavorful soup, but all entities quite different from the original drop into the pot. The process can be so slow though that it is easy to miss the blending process and one day carrot and potato wake up to realize they are not who they were when they started. This is where the serious conflict usually starts. Carrot says to potato, "You are not who I once knew, you are totally different now." Personal growth has occurred and conflict can ensue.

It is my contention that when this change/growth within participants occurs it is precisely because the marriage WORKED. It was successful. It deepened you. It succeeded in bringing you to your next evolution and growth place and stands as testimony to the sheer power of marriage. I have so many clients start their session off by telling me about their past "failed" marriages that I want to stop them and say, "wait a minute, are you saying the only test of the value of a marriage is that it lasted until you died?" "Is there any other value in marriage other than its longevity?" How about spiritual or psychological maturation? How about bringing children to life and the lessons that brings? How about simply becoming more of who you are in life? All of these things are valuable, from my perspective, far beyond how long your marriage lasted. There are no failed marriages in my perception because they all contribute in some way to our learning about life, ourselves and relationship and are therefore invaluable to our soul's growth. All of that psychological, spiritual learning and growth trumps longevity in my book. "We grew apart" is the common line because we never know who we are going to be as we walk the relationship road with someone we love.


So what about divorce? There are many possible reasons, but divorce can simply result from a couple choosing not to re-contract with their newly evolved selves. Divorce is not relational failure, it is simply a change of the relational contract because rarely do divorces end the relationship totally, much to many couples' dismay. You may choose to live apart from each other, but you are still in relationship and still influencing each other's lives and decisions way after the legal and physical separation. Those of you who have had bitter divorces know what I am talking about. The spouse is STILL a part of your psychology even when you haven't seen them for years let alone sharing child custody each week.

By my definition, a marriage could only have failed if the people in it never learned one thing because of it, and I have yet to find that marriage. So I would have to say to that 20+ year Hollywood marriage that is re-contracting by divorce: I know this separation will be painful for a while, and at some point later in the future you will see the gift this relationship has given to you. The marriage was successful, and now you begin your new relationship with each other and the rest of the world.

Relationships are the most difficult Yoga of all.

(For further discussion of this topic please see Fundamental Five in my book)